People are fickle.

They change their minds easily. They're not stable bases for anything.

I need to stop relying on only you for my happiness. Yeah, sure, right now it's all peachy keen, but what happens when it's not any more? We both know this isn't going to last forever and I don't want to lose everyone else over this.

But I don't want to have to start from scratch with you. I know we've lost a lot of time and closeness over the past year or so, but we were so close. We talked about everything. Why has that gone? Sure, we have pleasantries, but I can feel you're not really there. Not any more. And whilst I don't miss certain aspects of you, I miss our friendship. I miss you willing to be there for me. I miss you not holding back. Maybe it's selfish of me, maybe I should be happy you've moved on, but I don't want to. I'm a selfish person and I want you back.

Don't go back

It's so tempting. It would be so easy to just go back to that. It's such a promising idea.

The pull is indescribable. I need to fight this. The feeling will pass, I'm in a much better place now.

Hold strong. Please.

I feel slightly on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I don't even know why, maybe I'm just that hungry. Maybe today reminded me of the past. Maybe I'm feeling lonely. Maybe I miss being good at certain things. Maybe I've started to finally hate the person I've become.

I don't even know. But I seriously just want to curl up in a ball and ignore everything and just sleep away the rest of the week so I can wake up refreshed. I wish I could wake up and experience at least one day of myself a year ago just to feel the difference. The relationships I had, the friendships I lost. Even investigate the ones I have closer now but barely had then. I just want to relive a point where I wasn't this person; this wasn't my life.

I guess I'm becoming disillusioned. It's not a good thing, especially not with the happiness I've been feeling right now. I need to find some way to get back into who I am and how my life is going again.

Or maybe this feeling of being inadequate is just a retaliation to not being as talented in certain things or proficient as I used to be. Practice makes perfect and when the lack of practice causes a deterioration of forgetting of discipline, it has to be weathered to get good again.

4 times in the past 24 hours.

Just saying.

It's probably not a good thing but ayy well :)

I have marks on my neck

And there's no mistaking what they are or where they came from.

Whoops.

Yesterday was the first time I've thought I've needed my space from you.

But it passed pretty quickly to be fair... I think it was just a little overwhelming thinking of the whole week we'll be spending together bar tonight.

But now, the thought is a nice one. It's nice living at mine instead of yours for once. And having a free house to do as we please.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be a whole lot better still.

Bloody shark week.

It's hard to describe exactly HOW annoying it is. I was okay with deciding on rationing on my own terms but now I'm just so fed up I don't WANT to hold back when I finally don't have to...

It'll be nice when it's done. It'll be very nice indeed :)