I don't know if I trust you.

Of course I'm going to be paranoid. This has all happened pretty quickly.

I tried so hard not to get attached but somehow my subconscious went ahead and did it anyway.

Why?!

It seems so legitimate on the surface but especially with the distance it's hard to know what to trust. And there's still that voice in the back of my head telling me it's all a trick to make me look like an idiot.

And if it is for real, then what? I told myself I wouldn't go back to that situation again, it's just too difficult and too painful. It's not fair. And apparently me telling you as such has put a nail in the coffin anyway.

But then again it would be a shame to let it all go when it's only just started. There's so much potential.

And then I go right back round to thinking it's a trick.

It probably won't last long anyway. I should just get on with my life and wait for this to stop being an issue as per usual.

There's so much and not much at the same time.

I've been dealing with your shit for so long that I think I've actually given up. Do what the fuck would want and my greatest achievement is not letting you pull me down, really. I'm done with caring for you so much that it brings me down.

I'm going back to obscurity. I know I'll hate it, but I can't fight it too hard because I haven't actually had time to myself in a couple of years now. I hate myself, but I do miss just doing nothing,

I need rest, I've been needing it for at least the last year. This new lifestyle I live is exhausting, and no one can deny it. I absolutely love what it's given me, but I need to somehow find moderation.

I need to keep going on. That's the most important thing.

I make terrible decisions and I have terrible judgement, but I can always survive if I put my mind to it. I need to remember that.

And I need to learn moderation. Someday.