THIS is why it was a bad idea!!!

I know that it can cause this, so that's what I'm putting it down to. At the time I did think it was too simple...

It probably shouldn't have happened tbh. I don't think I'm actually ready. Not to do it right, anyway. I need to do some research and get educated before we start doing it properly...

And we won't be doing it any time soon, sorry dude. I should never have let it get that far because now to you it's just nbd...

And this is my way of paying for all of it. It's painful :(

WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME?!

I'm fed up of you being perpetually mad at me.

It feels like all we ever do nowadays is argue. You seem to constantly disapprove of my life and my choices and everything I do just seems to make it worse.

It's actually at a point now where I don't feel like there's anything I can do to make it better, so I'm just leaving it alone and letting it spiral.

That's what I do; when things get too overwhelming, I just leave them to fix themselves. Although they usually end up just getting worse, I just learn to live with it.

Right now I might be able to live without you. I definitely don't want to, but if it's easier than trying to work out whatever the hell is going wrong here, I'll probably do it.

Why can't you just accept how I am and stop getting annoyed about it? I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.

After these bloody exams maybe it will all get better.

I can't believe it.

I genuinely can't believe it. I really really thought you'd changed. Learnt your lesson. Moved on from stupid mistakes you've made more than once. You'd think your entire friendship group cutting off all ties with you would be enough to stop you trying this shit again!

But no. Not at all. You're exactly the same. In fact, worse. And I, like the idiot I am, fell for it. And feel bad for hurting your feelings! Just like last time. I'm a fool, I should have slapped you straight away. What's wrong with me?!

No. It's not right. Not at all. You need to understand these things are not okay. Even if you think it's a great idea and there's no downsides. You have no idea what's going on inside my head. Don't assume you can see the whole picture and you can reason this kind of thing into being something a decent person would do.

Fuck you. I'm not going to let this eat me up again. The first time it messed me up for a year. I was in a bad state really. But I've dealt with it. And that'll make it easier to deal with it again. More than anything I'm just angry at myself for trusting you again; everyone told me not to. But no, I thought 'he'll be different now'. How wrong I was.

I really want to tell someone, to get it off my chest... But I know it will only turn it into a big deal and cause problems; something I really don't want. It'll make me seem weak and stupid for putting myself in that position with you again. I can deal. I can detach. No way are you going to be the reason we have problems. No fucking way.

I'm going to slowly retreat from you. Maybe slowly enough you won't even notice; although that's unlikely. And considering the amount we talk nowadays, a slow retreat would take ages. I really don't know if I can be anywhere near you any time soon. I might freak out or get angry or start shaking again. But this is it. We're done. Twice is far too many times when it comes to something like this. And you're clearly incapable of change.

I'll probably be convinced you're not so bad again. Decide friendship means more than this. 'It's another mistake, misread signs; no big deal.' But it really is a big deal. This shit is not excusable by any amount of misguided loyalty I've built up.

You said yourself it'd be a pretty fucked up thing to do. And it is. No one who knows can understand how I've managed to move on from it at all. And now neither am I. Trusting you and yourself around me is like a bee repeatedly flying into a window. It's frustrating and getting nowhere and I'm going to keep getting hurt.

I know for sure I'm not even tempted

Yesterday proved it. It's not even a sense of loyalty, I'm genuinely not tempted at all.

Maybe it's because we've gotten stronger, maybe it's because there's still not that deeper connection with that, and maybe even because I've realised I don't find it as easy to spend time with him than you

Either way, I know. And everything is so much simpler now. But it makes me miss you like crazy. Just saying.

I need to stop this

When I'm with him I think of you...

I need to stop this weird progression of a relationship and focus on us. I really think you're right when you talk about us possibly lasting... But it's difficult when he's here and you're not.

Don't worry, I wouldn't. Not whilst I have full control of my functions.

But I really miss you right now...

I really don't know what to do with that information.

Me, really? I mean, I knew there was something... But I never thought it was properly there. I thought I was just another name on the list of hopefuls.

Not one of the top of the unreachables list.

It's so weird to think that you genuinely like me. Like, properly. Not just another someone you want to get on. I  half-admired your dedication before, not going to lie, but I didn't actually think it was that much of a big deal.

It's still a surprise. I can't imagine you actually properly liking anyone, let alone me. Maybe they all have it wrong, maybe they're all over exaggerating. But it seems unlikely so many people would.

It's definitely nice to hear. Especially when I have my soft spot for you. It makes me wonder how long it's been that way for you. Imagine if we'd coincided? To be fair I don't think it would have ended well for me, but still. Experience.

But I wouldn't do it to him. And so you're just going to have to be another door timing never allowed me to open. Unfortunately.

Maybe I do have an issue.

Maybe I do need to sort out my life.

I understand it's a mess and a confusion, believe me. I'm befuddled by it more than anyone else. And you know how I just let life pass me by as it may.

And maybe I do need to start doing something about it. But not the way you're telling me to go about it.

Communication is key, remember? Talking. That's all it takes. Hopefully.

Spending the night spooning with some guy who's not your boyfriend...

...After spending the past 36 hours straight together.

Said guy being the guy I consider to be the most attractive I know...

... the same guy I've been texting a ridiculous amount over the past month...

... the same guy I have an unusual past with...

... the same guy that used to be my best friend...

...

... No wonder I'm having dreams about you cheating.

I genuinely don't think I've ever been happy with my life for this long before.

I'm genuinely content with it.

I might be homeless, but I'm enjoying the way I'm living. There's no sense of duty in it. I enjoy spending time with the people I see; I don't have to deal with those I don't. Everyone I care about seems to also care about me. I feel like I have a good support network of people I can turn to.

Life's good.

And yes, okay, I've completely neglected studying. But I'll do some tomorrow. Jeez.

I can't do this.

I'm here by courtesy, not choice. I'm here because no one will shut up at me about trying some kind of longer term solution to this. What no one seems to understand is that this is even worse.

I did not come here to be verbally abused by you. I don't care how great it makes you feel, I'm not your punching bag. You don't ever really listen to me. Ever. You never have. You like the view from your high horse too much. I'm sick to death of it.

And believe me, I'm not planning on coming back.

Knitting.

It really helps, amazingly.

It gives me something to fiddle with, and takes my mind off stuff.

And it even hurts a tiny bit.

I really hope it's not me.

I don't want my own bad actions to cause you to have relapsed too.

I don't want to have triggered you back to this :(

I'm sorry.

I haven't relapsed in nearly 2 weeks now.

I'm so proud of myself in a way. I know you would be.

But I do still want to; maybe that'll never go away. And I could easily start again, but I really do miss being able to be carefree with certain aspects of my life. And I could always start again somewhere else, but it only ever seems right in the one place.

But for now, I'm going to keep myself reigned in. This is good for me; isn't it?

You're not even attractive

Like, at all.

I don't get it.

We're not in a relationship.

The concept of that still chills me a little. Although less than before. But that's only to be expected.

I don't know exactly what the difference is apart from the label and other people knowing, but I'm much happier with it this way.

I know I was told to stay away from any relationshippy stuff to stop this becoming more that way, but I think I've kind of ignored that advice and jumped in pretty quickly, to be honest.

And for once it really doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach at the concept that maybe one day we'll be able to make it simple and give it a label.

But right now? We're unnamed and just going with the flow of this.

There is one, I guess, very good thing that's coming out of this so far.

I haven't indulged in my nasty habit since it happened.

I'm fairly sure it's mainly because you seem to have been always here, and when you leave I'm just so damn exhausted that I don't really feel like being awake long enough. But it could also be, I guess, that this is finally something that's making me happy enough to not feel reliant on it.

Who knows.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this

It's really strange how things have ended up, isn't it?

Just a couple of posts ago I was ranting about how neither of us really wanted this dynamic - well, especially you - and how I just needed to release my frustration on someone else. And now look.

It's hard to even believe this has happened. I mean, me and you? It always seemed like an impossibility. A concept that would never need to be thought of. And it's all happened so fast. This time last week there had only been a tiny shift in our friendship, but that wasn't indicative at all of this. I mean, my actions on Tuesday clearly revealed my own things going on, but I genuinely would never have guessed where you were at. I guess those charged moments weren't in my imagination after all...

I can't help but feel a little doubt here though. And I'll probably end up talking about it at some point soon. This just seems to have worked out too smoothly. I have this tiny niggling feeling that you kind of just wanted to fill your dry spell. After all, it is you that keeps mentioning that I started it. And even though at the time I was absolutely convinced you were beating around the same bush at the time, I can't help but worry I got the wrong idea. I guess you could argue that maybe it was a good thing, because if what you told me is true then we were both kind of convinced there was no possibility of anything further and it was really just a case of someone making the first move. I'm starting to think mine should have been asking you. Then it can't all come back and bite me. And I'd be sure you weren't just saying it because I was there and easily available, clearly. But then again, you did say you were willing to wait for me. And that's not really something you'd say if I was just easily available, right? But then again, who else is there around? A little is better than a lot, right?  But maybe I'm just being cynical and comparing you to last time too much. I know you're not the same person and I know you don't have the same reputation in this kind of thing... Ugh I need to straighten this out for my own sanity. I don't want to end up in a similar situation to last time. My solution will probably be asking you, not going to lie, but maybe that's not a bad thing. I'll wait until we're both drunk though. And hope I remember your answer. And hope you don't lie to me.

I don't think I'd be going into this so much though, if my instincts weren't telling me you were telling the truth. Maybe my mind is clouded or my judgement is biased because I want to believe the best in you but I feel like my instincts have been quite good in the past. And this feels so comfortable. I think it helps that we've been so close before this. We've had, what, at least 4 months of a fairly close friendship before any of this? So maybe that's why this feels so smooth, so easy, so natural.

It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's me and you. You! The same person I've been trying to fight any kind of feelings for for quite a while, whilst viciously denying anything to everyone else and equally trying to dissuade any of your own ideas at the same time. The same person I swore I'd never want to get into anything like this with.

I think the ease of this frightens me a little. Before, it was actually a little nerve-racking. Now? It's simple. I actually want it. Maybe it's because of this damn sexual frustration and my teenage hormones, maybe it's because this is something I've actually been wanting to do for a while, maybe it's simply because I've had more practice, maybe it's because I have less doubts about you, and maybe it's because I've had more time to get to know you and be comfortable around you and can do this on my terms. Maybe it's a combination of all of them.

I also worry that this is going to actually turn serious at some point. It's kind of likely, given the way even this crept up on us from a little friendship a few months ago. Neither of us could have imagined we'd end up at this point. So maybe neither of us will imagine anything further, but it might happen. You're so much more experienced than me and I worry that I'm already doing things wrong, or differently to how you've come to like them. I know you took some getting used to for me... And the rest of it. It terrifies me. I hope you understand that our first leap is nowhere near as slow as the rest are going to be. Just the thought of any of that makes me want to end this whole thing now.


I'm starting to see you in a different light to before, though. Maybe it's because we've spent a ridiculous amount of time together lately. 3 days' drinking together and a full day today? And another in a couple of days? Maybe once I go back to college and we have a bit of a break from each other I'll start to see you with those rose-tinted glasses again a little more...


I guess I shouldn't be stressing about how any of this seems 'too easy to be true', but of course I am. It's what I do. So long as I remain suspicious, I'm less likely to get hurt, right?

This has been an incoherent jumble of probably repetitive thoughts on this whole situation. And a lot of the word 'maybe'.

This is weird.

It's weird how normal this feels.

When you said nothing needed to change, I didn't realise how right you actually were. This really feels normal. Like the natural progression. It's like there's only one thing we're doing differently to before and, let's be honest, I don't think even that was far off the way we were going. It's just so... I don't even know.

ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod...

I did something very stupid. VERY stupid.

Everyone was talking about sexual frustration so it was in my mind and I wanted to get it out but not with newface so...

UGH THIS IS VERY BAD I WOULD LIKE IT TO GO AWAY PLEASE.