I'm trying to help you

I've been trying to stop you from getting sucked in for years, but you keep delving deeper.

I'm worried there's nothing now I can do to help you. Nothing I say makes a difference to you anymore You never listen. Soon enough I'll be even further away and even less relatable to you. I just don't want you to go to a dark and unhealthy place, because it's not who you really are. It's what everything around you has made you.

Why do you think you need these things? Why do you think they'll make you happier? The grass is always greener. And even if you got those things you'll still find a greener field up ahead. This is how the system works.

I just really really hoped you wouldn't buy into it so wholly. It's a river of misery, and the only way not to get carried away by greed and consumerism and 'not being good enough' is to stay out of the stream. But you dipped your toes in years ago and you've been slowly climbing in since.

Please, just don't drown.

I am stronger than this.

I've been feeling so strange lately. I don't really know where I'm at right now anyway, I didn't think I was in trouble until I came back.

I knew there was definitely an issue, but I really think this time has given me the strength to tackle it...

But I'm also hating myself and feeling shit about everything right now to do with me. I  just fuck shit up. That's myself included. I don't think things through; and that's fine, as long as I cam deal with the fall out, but I can't right now. I am too weak.

I'm trying my hardest to be my strongest self; the one that is always helpful and doesn't give a shit about anything. But it's wearing thin for me here.

I know I can do this back there, but I don't want to wish my time here away, I want to enjoy myself and make the most of my time off. But I do also want to get right out of here so I can be back where I have the support I need for anything that can hit me.

I'm not feeling the most useful right now, and I'm just fucking useless. But I miss people being with me whilst I fuck up.

You guys are the best people I've ever known. I don't know how I've come to need/rely on/love you guys so much. But I already am finding it hard without you. Thank you, for absolutely everything.

I think I needed some time alone without realising it.

I've spent so much of my life busy and out and about and with other people that I think I momentarily forgot how to be with myself. I've spent such a majority of my time lately with people who I get on with and care about me; I got lonely fast.

This bit of time is good, it reminds me of who I am and doesn't let me get sucked into all the bullshit. I know what I want and I know what makes me happy. Funnily enough, it's this. I've been on a steady path of losing that since this summer. But I can remember it. Be stronger again.

I like my own company. I like time by myself. I like to enjoy things on my own. I don't need company every second of the day. It tires me.

Now hopefully I can cut out this bullshit making everything far more complicated than it needs to be. I am me. I am exceptionally happy right now. I have a whole group of amazing people in both places I live that not only enjoy my company but seem to genuinely care for me. I appreciate that so much. It's something at one point in my life I really never thought I'd have. This is all I have ever wanted.

That other crap just happened because I got sucked into what other people were doing and wanted and what made them happy. I do not need to overcomplicate anything.

I am self fucking dependent if I need to be. I can take care of myself. I do not NEED them but I can appreciate them with everything I have whilst they're here. I need to remember that.

I also need to remember what this feels like to get me through whatever happens after this is over.

People can fuck you up without you knowing it.

So recently I encountered someone from my past that I can't say I remember positively. But it's been about 6 years now, and I've put everything that happened behind me. Or so I thought.

For some reason he kept wanting to bring up the past and what had happened, I think to make himself feel better. He kept saying how sorry he was and how he wishes he'd handled the situation better. Maybe he just wanted me to say it was okay and that I was better for it, but I didn't. I agreed with him; it was shitty. But I had put it far behind me and moved on with my life. I didn't want to revisit old shit, it was done. What good did it do bringing old wounds back?

The more he pushed and kept talking about it the more the old feelings came back. I was getting angrier and angrier at him for what had happened. I felt like I was 16 all over again, hurt by the actions of this petty boy. In the end he finally dropped it, and conversation moved on. Or, more accurately, I just went and talked to someone else.

But since that night it's gotten me thinking. What happened between the two of us was ridiculous, barely a thing at all. He kept referring to it as a 'relationship' which, quite frankly, is completely ridiculous. He would walk me home and we would chat for hours. I do that with my best friends. But he insisted that night that was what we had. And that's what started my mind thinking; is he the reason I'm fucked up in that department?

I was young and inexperienced. I had no experience at all with boys and charm and certainly had never gotten attention from guys in that way before. It was novel and it felt good, so I fell for it. Maybe at the time I did think it was a relationship. But then all the shit happened and I ended up hurt. And mad at myself for being naive and gullible. Old friends had already given me trust issues when it came to getting close to people, I was usually so well guarded. But no, I had let this guy in and I had ended up unhappy.

And so it began. My foray into 'relationships' and partners and all of it. A few months later I found myself in my first proper relationship, with a guy that certainly wasn't intelligent enough to try and screw me over. And for 8 months I really was happy. But it took me at least 4 of those months to let him or anyone else use that word. Relationship. Even using it now in an abstract context makes me feel uncomfortable.

I can't say that ended well either, but somehow for the complete opposite reason. This time it was him that got in too deep. There was a lot of other shit that went with that, but that's a different story. The fact is that this was my second attempt at being with a guy and this time had not ended well either.

It wasn't long until I found myself in an arrangement with another guy. This time, casual. That was definitely the only way I felt comfortable anymore. After the situation previously, I certainly didn't want that connection. The word 'relationship' was taboo the entire time we were together, even when it turned from friends with benefits to what everyone else would use that word for. The term makes me want to jump up and run away and never speak to the other person again. That didn't end well either.

So now here I am. After all that I stayed away from any of that for almost 2 years. Certainly not looking for anything, and with nothing really falling into my lap in that respect (figuratively and literally). I certainly don't want a relationship, I'm still completely repulsed by the word.

And here's the thing I've been thinking. Was it his fault that I can't handle closeness with someone romantically? I know that I don't ever tend to let people I'm with in that way. I make sure I'm always the one with the control. The one who cares less is always the one with the control. So I make sure that's who I am. With my first relationship it was because I made sure to convince myself it was going to end at a certain date, so after that I could pull myself away. I was the one there that was least involved by the time it was over. Even at the beginning, he was the one to push for it to become a 'thing'. And the second, I made sure everything was on my terms. Again, he was the one asking for us to become 'exclusive'. Everything, including our friendship, fell apart because he said he always felt like he was more into than I was. In the few casual scenarios I've had since, I've made sure not to let on how much I may or may not like the guy. Make it all about the temporary gratification. I have very little patience with them, and it tends to be very easy for me to just drop them from my life if necessary. I certainly don't rely on them for anything.

I was recently told by a guy that liked me that he was fed up of everything being on my terms. He was sick of me seeming like I didn't care and him seeming "like a nuisance". This is a pattern I've been carrying out since 6 years ago. I always considered maybe it was because I just really didn't care that much. I was picky with guys and very good at moving on. I was getting with guys that just didn't understand me, so there was no connection. But I wonder now if this is just a defence mechanism. An automatic response to make sure that I don't get hurt again. Don't leave myself vulnerable. Always be in control. Be distant.

I know it's getting worse. I'm far more guarded now than I ever was before.

And it's only romantically that I'm like that. With friendships I'm clingy as fuck. I definitely have none of the power there. I definitely leave myself open to - and more often end up - getting hurt.

Maybe it's also the reason I don't let myself have feelings for people, either. As soon as I feel like I'm getting attached to someone I try and project it onto someone else that I don't think about that way. Get rid of the feelings, quick, before they manifest. Stay protected.

But back to the point. I've been spending a lot of time by myself this past week, so I've been perhaps overthinking this all a little. But whether he is wholly responsible - which seems unlikely - or just that first switch that got flicked, I think it's safe to say he fucked me up somehow. And I didn't even realise it was him.