I have experienced grief twice this week

 And neither of them have I felt worthy of it.

In fact, I never have.

I lost someone I used to call a good friend. I still remember listening to Arcade Fire (as I finally found out years later, the song Creature Comforts) on vinyl when I finally started feeling like I was building a home and a community back in Chorlton. Spending time with Jo and Flat cap Dan and Harpo in that flat and feeling really cultured and grown up drinking wine and talking about literature.

That was probably about 8 years ago. I always loved the person and the world that Jo brought me into and made me feel a part of. He welcomed everyone, but I felt especially special when we talked (but he had a wonderful way of making a lot of people feel that way, as it turns out - one of his best character traits).

I feel bad that I hadn't been there when he was struggling, especially when his meds made him so glassy eyed. I just assumed, as we tend to, that we would see the other side and look back. 

The Chorlton adventure for his birthday is one of my favourite memories, and in part because he didn't reveal it to us until then end and then said how loved he felt.

The second grief I feel I am just a spectator. I am a part of it as support, and yet I am more thrown in the middle of it. It was so lovely and reassuring to know the feeling and stories I have of Steve are the ones that so many others have. He was immediately caring and fun and wonderful. I felt to seen by him in a lovely way, and it sounds like he was able to make so many other people feel such a similar support and security.

But two sudden deaths in one week will take its toll. I can feel some kind of productivity with Jo - trying to help a tribute night with Henry, or just putting some flowers out, or talking about him to keep his essence in our minds. The other I am here as someone that has that bit more ability to help those I love - and the dealing with a lovely person I knew not being around will come later.

I don't think I've ever worked out grief. When my grandparents have died I felt a fraud because it was my parents that were hurting more, their siblings, and their friends. When it was Natasha or Sean I hadn't really spoken to them as much, but I'd passively kept in touch via social media. I don't know if I'm doing grief wrong (even though the cliche tells me that's okay - hard to believe it). 

I feel very numb. And I don't really know much else. Actually, I'm not sure if it's numb or if I'm feeling so much I can't understand any of it. I am not sure what the right way to deal is, but I don't know how to figure that out, let alone get there. 

Fucking hell.