fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck

I really need you to be here right now

I'm sorry

But I really do.

I need you with me

Ugh WHY?!

Why do I suddenly miss you so much?!

I think I was happier when I didn't give a shit. I don't like this, this is what I was afraid of.

Stop it. Now.

I don't even know what to put

I don't exactly have something to say, I just feel like I need to write

Anything, just words whatever

Tonight was a bit of a failure. I only came out because no one wants to go out tomorrow night. Which is shit since all my good nights seem to be Fridays. I kind of wanted to go see him again tbh. Idk if I'm starting to like this guy or what but I just want some more times :/

And I didn't want to spend much. All those Fridays I didn't spend more than entrance, idek how I managed it. And tonight I knew that wasn't going to happen because I've run out of people to ask... That's how sad I am.

And I just realised I'm actually wearing the hoodie.

Everyone else getting completely fucked was funny, but kind of lonely. It's better when you have someone to talk to and watch people with. By the end of the night it was just like looking after children. And we all know I'm not good with children!

To be fair it's not like I did much. I just kind of sat there and watched and shouted something every now and then. Pretty useless, really. But then again that's me all over isn't it? Not like I've managed to do much right since I got here.

Freshers was alright but how many of those people do I actually still see? Already failing at my course and missing lectures, seem to have pushed away people already, clearly didn't meet enough people to actually make any kind of impression, and I'm pretty superfluous in general, aren't I? Not like I exactly add anything to this place. Apart from rolling, obviously. I'm only useful for preparing other peoples' times.

At first it was nice that you called on me and I could help you; like I actually added something to your life. But now it kind of feels like you're using me for it - you don't really give a fuck if it's me doing it or someone else - just as long as you get it. Maybe that's an over judgement.

I'm overly sceptical anyway, maybe that's the problem.

But I don't think anyone will actually miss me next year. No one misses me now, for goodness sake. What's even the point in trying? What if I'm also that person that people whisper about when they're not around about how hard it is to tolerate them.

Jeez, what if my recent 'exploits' have been talked about? I mean, they clearly have considering comments but I wonder what they say. What they're thinking. What if I'm as bad as her when I'm drunk? The comments I make about it, I'd hate it if people made them about me... I'd like to think I've not been that bad...

But then again I've had people in mind. I've kind of known the target in a way... I've actually succeeded the goal, thanks to that I guess. But then again my goal was probably a bad idea. Seems I've managed to lose the interest - probably because I gave in to the chase. It's no fun if it's not easy, is it?

Or maybe my goals were just too low. I knew I'd succeed because most would; not like it's uncommon from them. Or so I've heard.

Maybe that's it, I just haven't grasped how to deal with it. I failed at being detached, clearly. Or maybe I shouldn't have picked people I'd actually kind of like to be friends with still and kind of ruined it...

Ugh so many feelings of inadequacy. No one seems to be helping. Everyone's better, more interesting, more talented, (taller) and just better in every way. Everyone has that thing about them that makes people like them.

And I never picked mine up. I must have been sleeping whilst everyone else was actually developing a personality; a way to not be so expendable.

I thought I wasn't at one point. That point where I felt included, wanted, needed. In a way I'd quite like your clingy jibber jabber, cause at least then I had some kind of purpose. A point where someone cared where I was...

But then I moved, they moved, the situation changed completely. And now you've all got other people and I'm just here cutting my ties instead of creating them.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

This is why I wanted to go home when they did. So I had those people back who, even if they didn't still, used to want me around. Mainly one person, to be fair, and I don't even know why he's so important. We only really bonded over the last few weeks, although we'd had points before that. And he's pretty fickle, to be fair, but for some reason his opinion really made a difference to me. Even if it started as me liking his best mate :P

This is just the shit wafting around in my head. I guess it's always there, that's how I know I'm feeling normal. Those months of insane happiness was how it felt when those feelings were gone and it was amazing. But it's spoilt me; I need to get back used to how life should be, how I'm supposed to feel. Happiness is never supposed to last.

Fuck knows why that sparked a haiku but:
This the feeling,
This is carefree happiness,
Doesn't ever last.
Pretty proud of that one :)

But yes. I need to get back used to how I use to be. I thought I knew happiness then; when I learnt to block out the other bits. That's what life is supposed to be! No one should be left without their darker side they have to put away, that's not how it works. It messes up the balance!

Fuck, imagine my mood swings next week.

really don't know what's up with you

Or why I even care. What's up with me?!

Idk if it's just me wanting someone on tap that I know I can have, or the whole hard to get aspect, or I'm just being clingy. All I know is that it happened because of my stupid hormones so I got a little overexcited...

But this is frustrating! Text me back goddamn it! It's not that hard! I'd feel just a little less rejected!

I don't even understand where you're at. You come to me and tell me you want me, but then 0 communication after. Although idk if I mind so much, considering your situation. Don't want to push it too far...

And you're yoyoing between personalities. One minute you're all there and ready to go, and the next you're trying to be as distant as possible. I don't exactly remember Friday, and I don't plan on bringing it up until after next Thursday or when we're both drunk, but if it genuinely was all me then I'm sorry. Everything seemed alright until that happened...

It kind of feels like it was that which messed everything up, in both situations.

I guess I'm just not used to how this works; I kind of assumed it wasn't a hit it a quit it kind of situation considering it didn't exactly go that far... But I was clearly wrong.

I need to assume you're both off on your own business and forget about you both and move on. Before I get more roped in.

Ugh. Dicks. Seriously how to even deal.

I don't know why I don't feel guilty.

In the slightest.

I mean, technically what I've done is something I always thought I was above; something I thought I had the decency to avoid.

But then again I always thought you had more decency than to do what you've been doing.

I guess I feel the closure in my mind; we're over. We have been for weeks. In my mind, we ended that weekend I came back, and absolutely everyone told me I needed to end it. That was the closing point.

Not to mention my hormones have been going insane, thanks to you. If anything I guess I can say it's partly your fault, since these raging hormones are your doing. Can't help it if I can't find anyone else, right?

But no, I definitely don't feel guilty. I regret nothing, also. I actually really enjoyed it. Kind of awkwardly, I'm trying to find ways for it to happen again...

I'm sorry I've done this to you I guess. But I can't help but feel like you've brought it on yourself. You couldn't let me go; so I wandered as far as I could. It's not like I'm willing to be unhappy just to placate you; I never have and definitely don't work that way now.

So man up. Either cut the shit - which is highly unlikely - or just let me get what needs to happen over with.

It's the best solution to make sure few people get hurt.

I just got butterflies thinking about you for the first time in a REALLY LONG time.

It was thinking about the old you though. I really miss him. Why can't you still be him?!

Then again, maybe it's just my hormones. I'm feeling so lonely right now, I need some affection. In more ways than one.

It was good though, whilst it lasted. But I really don't ever see it going back to that. At all.

I guess I'm just missing what once was.

And I know technically it's not over, but I think both of us know it essentially is. There's no way we can make it work the way it did; we're over that stage. And you keep being a dick.

Every so often the old you comes through, the one I liked all that time ago, but he's so quickly replaced with this moany, whiny version of you I really can't stand...

The last thing I need right now

Is you trying to tell me all about your little weird mood. You're only perpetuating it yourself and you know it.

You're wallowing.

And you can't stop going on about it.

Please stop going on. Seriously.

Grow a pair and man up.

Why is everyone so fucking talented

And I'm stuck here fucking stupid and possibly in a lot of trouble.

Ugh this wasn't what life was like even 2 weeks ago I don't understand

I just feel inadequate all the time nowadays and there's no one and nothing that seems to be able to change it.

I want to go back to the summer when I had so many people around me that I cared about and vice versa; the point where my happiness was surprisingly impenetrable. Why does it have to fade now?!

I seriously don't know if I can deal with any more of this; not right now.

I'll start isolating myself again...

that thing you read that makes you feel like you're sinking

I didn't realise this was how close you two had gotten.
I really didn't.

I'm trying to summon back anything

Any remainder of the feeling I used to have for you, so strongly too...

I know it can't all have just... disappeared. Surely not.

And when she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I couldn't just accept what she was saying. Even when she suggested what I've already suspected, it didn't fall right on me.

I really don't know what to do here. This state is incredibly dangerous; left by itself I could become completely detached.

I don't even know who/what to blame for this. It could be him, it could just be me. It could be the passing of a certain amount of time since I decided I couldn't backtrack on my decision making me properly come to terms with it and its imminence...

I'm freaking out

And I'm not quite sure why.

I don't know if it's because of the tiny bit that passed between me and him tonight

But I think it's more because of the last thing he said,

"I don't know what you see in him."

And you know what? Me neither. Genuinely and honestly I don't have a fucking clue. What the hell do you have that I'd want? He's not lying when he says you're wasting yourself. Why on earth are we still anything?

I'm sorry if that one statement marks the end of what I thought was brilliant, I really am. Because I don't know what drew me to you at all but all of a sudden it seems gone. Completely.

Maybe it's because you're not here, I don't know, but I just suddenly feel nothing at all. I always knew we didn't have a future so why did I even fucking bother? I know I live by the whole live in the moment thing, but what have you given me that's contributed to my life apart from give me the affection I've always lacked?

Is it really all about you giving me attention? Is that really the basis of everything between us? Because I'm not going to lie, I can't answer his question with anything except that.

It actually hurts me to think it because I think there was a point where I was genuinely what everyone would call 'in love' with you, and I don't want it to all break down because of a little comment he's said...

But he has a point. He says I could do better. He has a point when he says if me and him had actually worked out all those months ago that we wouldn't be sat at home drinking cider every fucking night. It's boring, and I'm tired of you right now.

Maybe I'm tired or I'm just overthinking, I don't know

Is there something wrong with me?

I get worse moods than my friend who's diagnosed bipolar and off medication.

Should I be worried or...

What's even the point in all of this anyway?

What we've been doing for the past 4 months. Yes, we're happy and yes, we don't regret any of it. But what are we actually achieving?

I always thought it wouldn't matter what I was doing or for how long, as long as it made me happy. Happiness is the greatest achievement in life.

But we've been happy for so long at this point and I'm starting to feel like simply pursuing this happiness means everything else goes nowhere.

I don't want to say that you're bringing me back, but I've stopped bothering with so much since we started being happy together. It's the same lifestyle for you, but I know there's so much I'm no longer doing because I don't have time any more or you've just overshadowed.

I constantly feel inadequate around people I used to be able to be the same as. I keep feeling ignorant. Like I've left the loop of my life to be with you.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to go back or stop being happy with you, but I also don't want to lose that person I was and aspired to be. I want to be able to feel like I know at least something about anything again; feel cultured and educated. I want to feel like I actually have interests that aren't you and the few things we have in common.

But that person came from hours and days and weeks of being by myself with nothing but time to explore what there is to find. Now, all my spare time is spent with you. Watching silly game shows and laughing at unfunny jokes.

People don't really take me seriously any more. I don't feel like I can be even nearly as good of a conversationalist. I need to discover more to know and love and debate about, because that's a side of me I've always loved to cultivate and have cultivated. Right now it's shrivelling; suffering from it's lack of attention. I want to keep abreast of so much and find even more, but you're always here.

Maybe it's also a little scary that I don't want you to not be here, despite everything I feel like I'm losing from myself as a consequence. But I think I really need to put my foot down. As amazing as this happiness is, it's not worth losing parts of myself to enjoy the short-lived joy that comes with it...

Paha.

I used to be such a romantic, now that stuff just makes me laugh.

My boyfriend just suggested we have a bubble bath together and I couldn't stop laughing...

But seriously, how awkward would that be?!

People are fickle.

They change their minds easily. They're not stable bases for anything.

I need to stop relying on only you for my happiness. Yeah, sure, right now it's all peachy keen, but what happens when it's not any more? We both know this isn't going to last forever and I don't want to lose everyone else over this.

But I don't want to have to start from scratch with you. I know we've lost a lot of time and closeness over the past year or so, but we were so close. We talked about everything. Why has that gone? Sure, we have pleasantries, but I can feel you're not really there. Not any more. And whilst I don't miss certain aspects of you, I miss our friendship. I miss you willing to be there for me. I miss you not holding back. Maybe it's selfish of me, maybe I should be happy you've moved on, but I don't want to. I'm a selfish person and I want you back.

Don't go back

It's so tempting. It would be so easy to just go back to that. It's such a promising idea.

The pull is indescribable. I need to fight this. The feeling will pass, I'm in a much better place now.

Hold strong. Please.

I feel slightly on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I don't even know why, maybe I'm just that hungry. Maybe today reminded me of the past. Maybe I'm feeling lonely. Maybe I miss being good at certain things. Maybe I've started to finally hate the person I've become.

I don't even know. But I seriously just want to curl up in a ball and ignore everything and just sleep away the rest of the week so I can wake up refreshed. I wish I could wake up and experience at least one day of myself a year ago just to feel the difference. The relationships I had, the friendships I lost. Even investigate the ones I have closer now but barely had then. I just want to relive a point where I wasn't this person; this wasn't my life.

I guess I'm becoming disillusioned. It's not a good thing, especially not with the happiness I've been feeling right now. I need to find some way to get back into who I am and how my life is going again.

Or maybe this feeling of being inadequate is just a retaliation to not being as talented in certain things or proficient as I used to be. Practice makes perfect and when the lack of practice causes a deterioration of forgetting of discipline, it has to be weathered to get good again.

4 times in the past 24 hours.

Just saying.

It's probably not a good thing but ayy well :)

I have marks on my neck

And there's no mistaking what they are or where they came from.

Whoops.

Yesterday was the first time I've thought I've needed my space from you.

But it passed pretty quickly to be fair... I think it was just a little overwhelming thinking of the whole week we'll be spending together bar tonight.

But now, the thought is a nice one. It's nice living at mine instead of yours for once. And having a free house to do as we please.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be a whole lot better still.

Bloody shark week.

It's hard to describe exactly HOW annoying it is. I was okay with deciding on rationing on my own terms but now I'm just so fed up I don't WANT to hold back when I finally don't have to...

It'll be nice when it's done. It'll be very nice indeed :)

THIS is why it was a bad idea!!!

I know that it can cause this, so that's what I'm putting it down to. At the time I did think it was too simple...

It probably shouldn't have happened tbh. I don't think I'm actually ready. Not to do it right, anyway. I need to do some research and get educated before we start doing it properly...

And we won't be doing it any time soon, sorry dude. I should never have let it get that far because now to you it's just nbd...

And this is my way of paying for all of it. It's painful :(

WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME?!

I'm fed up of you being perpetually mad at me.

It feels like all we ever do nowadays is argue. You seem to constantly disapprove of my life and my choices and everything I do just seems to make it worse.

It's actually at a point now where I don't feel like there's anything I can do to make it better, so I'm just leaving it alone and letting it spiral.

That's what I do; when things get too overwhelming, I just leave them to fix themselves. Although they usually end up just getting worse, I just learn to live with it.

Right now I might be able to live without you. I definitely don't want to, but if it's easier than trying to work out whatever the hell is going wrong here, I'll probably do it.

Why can't you just accept how I am and stop getting annoyed about it? I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.

After these bloody exams maybe it will all get better.

I can't believe it.

I genuinely can't believe it. I really really thought you'd changed. Learnt your lesson. Moved on from stupid mistakes you've made more than once. You'd think your entire friendship group cutting off all ties with you would be enough to stop you trying this shit again!

But no. Not at all. You're exactly the same. In fact, worse. And I, like the idiot I am, fell for it. And feel bad for hurting your feelings! Just like last time. I'm a fool, I should have slapped you straight away. What's wrong with me?!

No. It's not right. Not at all. You need to understand these things are not okay. Even if you think it's a great idea and there's no downsides. You have no idea what's going on inside my head. Don't assume you can see the whole picture and you can reason this kind of thing into being something a decent person would do.

Fuck you. I'm not going to let this eat me up again. The first time it messed me up for a year. I was in a bad state really. But I've dealt with it. And that'll make it easier to deal with it again. More than anything I'm just angry at myself for trusting you again; everyone told me not to. But no, I thought 'he'll be different now'. How wrong I was.

I really want to tell someone, to get it off my chest... But I know it will only turn it into a big deal and cause problems; something I really don't want. It'll make me seem weak and stupid for putting myself in that position with you again. I can deal. I can detach. No way are you going to be the reason we have problems. No fucking way.

I'm going to slowly retreat from you. Maybe slowly enough you won't even notice; although that's unlikely. And considering the amount we talk nowadays, a slow retreat would take ages. I really don't know if I can be anywhere near you any time soon. I might freak out or get angry or start shaking again. But this is it. We're done. Twice is far too many times when it comes to something like this. And you're clearly incapable of change.

I'll probably be convinced you're not so bad again. Decide friendship means more than this. 'It's another mistake, misread signs; no big deal.' But it really is a big deal. This shit is not excusable by any amount of misguided loyalty I've built up.

You said yourself it'd be a pretty fucked up thing to do. And it is. No one who knows can understand how I've managed to move on from it at all. And now neither am I. Trusting you and yourself around me is like a bee repeatedly flying into a window. It's frustrating and getting nowhere and I'm going to keep getting hurt.

I know for sure I'm not even tempted

Yesterday proved it. It's not even a sense of loyalty, I'm genuinely not tempted at all.

Maybe it's because we've gotten stronger, maybe it's because there's still not that deeper connection with that, and maybe even because I've realised I don't find it as easy to spend time with him than you

Either way, I know. And everything is so much simpler now. But it makes me miss you like crazy. Just saying.

I need to stop this

When I'm with him I think of you...

I need to stop this weird progression of a relationship and focus on us. I really think you're right when you talk about us possibly lasting... But it's difficult when he's here and you're not.

Don't worry, I wouldn't. Not whilst I have full control of my functions.

But I really miss you right now...

I really don't know what to do with that information.

Me, really? I mean, I knew there was something... But I never thought it was properly there. I thought I was just another name on the list of hopefuls.

Not one of the top of the unreachables list.

It's so weird to think that you genuinely like me. Like, properly. Not just another someone you want to get on. I  half-admired your dedication before, not going to lie, but I didn't actually think it was that much of a big deal.

It's still a surprise. I can't imagine you actually properly liking anyone, let alone me. Maybe they all have it wrong, maybe they're all over exaggerating. But it seems unlikely so many people would.

It's definitely nice to hear. Especially when I have my soft spot for you. It makes me wonder how long it's been that way for you. Imagine if we'd coincided? To be fair I don't think it would have ended well for me, but still. Experience.

But I wouldn't do it to him. And so you're just going to have to be another door timing never allowed me to open. Unfortunately.

Maybe I do have an issue.

Maybe I do need to sort out my life.

I understand it's a mess and a confusion, believe me. I'm befuddled by it more than anyone else. And you know how I just let life pass me by as it may.

And maybe I do need to start doing something about it. But not the way you're telling me to go about it.

Communication is key, remember? Talking. That's all it takes. Hopefully.

Spending the night spooning with some guy who's not your boyfriend...

...After spending the past 36 hours straight together.

Said guy being the guy I consider to be the most attractive I know...

... the same guy I've been texting a ridiculous amount over the past month...

... the same guy I have an unusual past with...

... the same guy that used to be my best friend...

...

... No wonder I'm having dreams about you cheating.

I genuinely don't think I've ever been happy with my life for this long before.

I'm genuinely content with it.

I might be homeless, but I'm enjoying the way I'm living. There's no sense of duty in it. I enjoy spending time with the people I see; I don't have to deal with those I don't. Everyone I care about seems to also care about me. I feel like I have a good support network of people I can turn to.

Life's good.

And yes, okay, I've completely neglected studying. But I'll do some tomorrow. Jeez.

I can't do this.

I'm here by courtesy, not choice. I'm here because no one will shut up at me about trying some kind of longer term solution to this. What no one seems to understand is that this is even worse.

I did not come here to be verbally abused by you. I don't care how great it makes you feel, I'm not your punching bag. You don't ever really listen to me. Ever. You never have. You like the view from your high horse too much. I'm sick to death of it.

And believe me, I'm not planning on coming back.

Knitting.

It really helps, amazingly.

It gives me something to fiddle with, and takes my mind off stuff.

And it even hurts a tiny bit.

I really hope it's not me.

I don't want my own bad actions to cause you to have relapsed too.

I don't want to have triggered you back to this :(

I'm sorry.

I haven't relapsed in nearly 2 weeks now.

I'm so proud of myself in a way. I know you would be.

But I do still want to; maybe that'll never go away. And I could easily start again, but I really do miss being able to be carefree with certain aspects of my life. And I could always start again somewhere else, but it only ever seems right in the one place.

But for now, I'm going to keep myself reigned in. This is good for me; isn't it?

You're not even attractive

Like, at all.

I don't get it.

We're not in a relationship.

The concept of that still chills me a little. Although less than before. But that's only to be expected.

I don't know exactly what the difference is apart from the label and other people knowing, but I'm much happier with it this way.

I know I was told to stay away from any relationshippy stuff to stop this becoming more that way, but I think I've kind of ignored that advice and jumped in pretty quickly, to be honest.

And for once it really doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach at the concept that maybe one day we'll be able to make it simple and give it a label.

But right now? We're unnamed and just going with the flow of this.

There is one, I guess, very good thing that's coming out of this so far.

I haven't indulged in my nasty habit since it happened.

I'm fairly sure it's mainly because you seem to have been always here, and when you leave I'm just so damn exhausted that I don't really feel like being awake long enough. But it could also be, I guess, that this is finally something that's making me happy enough to not feel reliant on it.

Who knows.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this

It's really strange how things have ended up, isn't it?

Just a couple of posts ago I was ranting about how neither of us really wanted this dynamic - well, especially you - and how I just needed to release my frustration on someone else. And now look.

It's hard to even believe this has happened. I mean, me and you? It always seemed like an impossibility. A concept that would never need to be thought of. And it's all happened so fast. This time last week there had only been a tiny shift in our friendship, but that wasn't indicative at all of this. I mean, my actions on Tuesday clearly revealed my own things going on, but I genuinely would never have guessed where you were at. I guess those charged moments weren't in my imagination after all...

I can't help but feel a little doubt here though. And I'll probably end up talking about it at some point soon. This just seems to have worked out too smoothly. I have this tiny niggling feeling that you kind of just wanted to fill your dry spell. After all, it is you that keeps mentioning that I started it. And even though at the time I was absolutely convinced you were beating around the same bush at the time, I can't help but worry I got the wrong idea. I guess you could argue that maybe it was a good thing, because if what you told me is true then we were both kind of convinced there was no possibility of anything further and it was really just a case of someone making the first move. I'm starting to think mine should have been asking you. Then it can't all come back and bite me. And I'd be sure you weren't just saying it because I was there and easily available, clearly. But then again, you did say you were willing to wait for me. And that's not really something you'd say if I was just easily available, right? But then again, who else is there around? A little is better than a lot, right?  But maybe I'm just being cynical and comparing you to last time too much. I know you're not the same person and I know you don't have the same reputation in this kind of thing... Ugh I need to straighten this out for my own sanity. I don't want to end up in a similar situation to last time. My solution will probably be asking you, not going to lie, but maybe that's not a bad thing. I'll wait until we're both drunk though. And hope I remember your answer. And hope you don't lie to me.

I don't think I'd be going into this so much though, if my instincts weren't telling me you were telling the truth. Maybe my mind is clouded or my judgement is biased because I want to believe the best in you but I feel like my instincts have been quite good in the past. And this feels so comfortable. I think it helps that we've been so close before this. We've had, what, at least 4 months of a fairly close friendship before any of this? So maybe that's why this feels so smooth, so easy, so natural.

It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's me and you. You! The same person I've been trying to fight any kind of feelings for for quite a while, whilst viciously denying anything to everyone else and equally trying to dissuade any of your own ideas at the same time. The same person I swore I'd never want to get into anything like this with.

I think the ease of this frightens me a little. Before, it was actually a little nerve-racking. Now? It's simple. I actually want it. Maybe it's because of this damn sexual frustration and my teenage hormones, maybe it's because this is something I've actually been wanting to do for a while, maybe it's simply because I've had more practice, maybe it's because I have less doubts about you, and maybe it's because I've had more time to get to know you and be comfortable around you and can do this on my terms. Maybe it's a combination of all of them.

I also worry that this is going to actually turn serious at some point. It's kind of likely, given the way even this crept up on us from a little friendship a few months ago. Neither of us could have imagined we'd end up at this point. So maybe neither of us will imagine anything further, but it might happen. You're so much more experienced than me and I worry that I'm already doing things wrong, or differently to how you've come to like them. I know you took some getting used to for me... And the rest of it. It terrifies me. I hope you understand that our first leap is nowhere near as slow as the rest are going to be. Just the thought of any of that makes me want to end this whole thing now.


I'm starting to see you in a different light to before, though. Maybe it's because we've spent a ridiculous amount of time together lately. 3 days' drinking together and a full day today? And another in a couple of days? Maybe once I go back to college and we have a bit of a break from each other I'll start to see you with those rose-tinted glasses again a little more...


I guess I shouldn't be stressing about how any of this seems 'too easy to be true', but of course I am. It's what I do. So long as I remain suspicious, I'm less likely to get hurt, right?

This has been an incoherent jumble of probably repetitive thoughts on this whole situation. And a lot of the word 'maybe'.

This is weird.

It's weird how normal this feels.

When you said nothing needed to change, I didn't realise how right you actually were. This really feels normal. Like the natural progression. It's like there's only one thing we're doing differently to before and, let's be honest, I don't think even that was far off the way we were going. It's just so... I don't even know.

ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod...

I did something very stupid. VERY stupid.

Everyone was talking about sexual frustration so it was in my mind and I wanted to get it out but not with newface so...

UGH THIS IS VERY BAD I WOULD LIKE IT TO GO AWAY PLEASE.

I relapsed.

I don't know if I can technically call it that if I'm not really trying to stop, though.
I know you all want me to, but I don't.
I like the way it is and I like the mark it leaves behind.

And it was a really shitty day up to a point.

Well shit.

That was an, err, interesting dream. I think I've spent so long barely sleeping, my subconscious was just so happy to get a look in it didn't even try to be subtle.
I know these things are on my mind, but I'm fairly sure I've been trying to avoid them.

I mean, for one the idiotface part. I'm actually really proud of myself for that one. I was strong and I kept my own dignity. I think this one comes from that time I saw him without expecting it. It actually shocked me so much. But maybe it means I'm finally ready to leave it behind me. I eschewed him and whatnot, no wavering. I didn't run screaming either, so maybe this really is every part of my mind standing up to the whole thing and telling it to fuck off like I did him.
Or maybe it was just because newface was there, making me feel more comfortable and able to say no. But more on that in a minute.

Having two friends there who genuinely were caring about me was a nice feeling. And it really is the truth, they want to be there for me through this whole business. But I also know that it was background noise to stupid newface who's taking all my positive attention. It makes me feel petty and fickle, it really does. I have these two people here who want to help me and be there for me and all of that, and I'm just tuning it out when this shiny new kid on the block comes round. I need to accept that they're selflessly caring about how I am and I need to appreciate it more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it a lot, but it seems to be taking a back seat when it shouldn't. I've known them longer than newface and they definitely care about me more. I need to deal with this.

And then for newface. I have to say I'm not surprised, at all. I've been feeling the urge to do that since at least Saturday and it's been preying on my mind. God knows why though. I think it's at the point again where he's become this generic voice without a name. Not even voice, because lord knows his would definitely give him an identity... He's this person somewhere that's been here for me since he found out and has opened up to me a little, or at least it feels like it. He could just be saying things, of course. But either way he's making me feel like he's genuinely caring for me and about me and that's bound to lower my guard a little. But then again, the want was still there when he was right in front of me so maybe that's not what it is.
I don't think it's so much of him in particular. I think I just want some affection from someone and he's just the closest one to that point right now. But I need to stop projecting this. Quite frankly, I need to get this out of my system before it makes what's happening right now worse or more substantial. Of course, it would help if there were other options.
I think his reaction is also what I'd expect. He doesn't see me that way. Hell, I didn't until this started happening. Those stupid charged moments. Then again, I'm probably imagining the charge. Ugh.

The moral of the story?
Be glad I think I'm done with stupidface and punch him if I see him again.
Accept the help and love of the two people who are probably trying to help me the most.
Be careful with newface because neither of us want another dynamic to this. Find someone to replace him in this god-damn dream, even if they're faceless/nameless.

Sometimes I feel like this is a hospital visit.

Like you come to visit me every day in my bed and treat me like an invalid.

I really don't need special treatment because of this.

I mean, I'd like it if you wanted to talk to me so much because you just did, but I can help but wonder if this is pity talk.

I don't want or need your pity so if that's what it is, I'd like you to stop and treat me how you used to again.

I'm not supposed to be telling you this.

This is what this is here for. To stop me from blurting this shit out to you. You, of all people!
I don't even really know where we stand!

This is exactly what she's telling me to be careful of. Getting too close. Opening myself up to you is only going to make that happen. Don't make me do it. Especially not like this.

I need to pull myself together and stop this because it's only going to damage our friendship.

One a day.

My new aim. Get something out every day that I've wanted to say.

Today? I have two. They're kind of interlinked.

On a serious note, I haven't regressed since Saturday. Maybe it's because the last one was so big and obvious, or maybe it's because it's actually helping. The urges have been more fleeting, less long lasting. I don't know why exactly it is, but I have a terrible feeling I know. And it shouldn't be.
Well, it's not that bad. But it does not bode well for me. I need to be careful and whatnot.

But I can't base 'recovery' on you being here for me. Because right now it feels wonderful, not only that you care but how close it feels like we're getting. But if/when you lose interest again, I might go right back to where I was. No, I'll be worse.
Ugh I really don't want to be reliant on you. But I don't know why you're having such an influence on this when two people I'm fairly sure are far less likely to leave me didn't seem to quite be making a difference. Well, clearly not hence Saturday.

And you're being so out of character these past few days. In a good way, for me. But I'm not quite sure where this is leading. I wish I had a view into your head. You're so inward with what you're thinking, it's hard to know... I've been getting a few snippets these past few days and it's really nice, but what do I take from them? And how long will they last?

But for now, you're helping. And whilst I don't really want to stop, I know I should. So I should appreciate what you're doing for me whilst it's for the best, and deal with the consequences when they happen.

Wow, I haven't posted here for a while.

I think it was a little hard to come on here, given that at present it reads the failing of a relationship that kind of messed me up a little.
It's also hard to follow that kind of pathetic rambling with anything that feels real or serious.

But these personal posts are good for me. I like to read through them.
And right now I think I need to do some soul searching and writing down my thoughts is probably the easiest way to do that.

So here goes nothing. Part 2.

Here's hoping it's not a trainwreck like the last chapter.

I hate you.

Physically. The thought of you actually makes me angry. The sight of you makes me want to scream.

I don't know why I ever believed you were half decent. God knows enough people told me otherwise.

I should have shouted at you more. But it just felt like there was nothing left to say. Nothing worth my time saying. You're not worth my time any more.

I'm not mourning the end of 'us'. Not at all. I certainly lost any feelings I had for you a long time ago. I think I knew we weren't going to work out anyway. It's ironic that the thing you said were thinking about me was exactly what was going through my mind about you. Hell, I even wrote it on here. I should tell you that. The reason I hate you is because of who you are and how you've handled this entire situation.

You were hard to finally get to face me. I'm glad we had that conversation. Finally. It feels like I can properly put you behind me now. I'm glad I was able to make you aware of my biggest problem with the way the situation panned out. I'm glad you had some remorse for it. And I'm glad I got you to admit somewhat how much of a complete idiot you have been; despite how much I had to drag it out of you, away from your numerous excuses and bullshit.

The main reason I hate you so much is because I just can't stand the thought that you get away with treating people like this so much. Because it's not just me. And you say you've changed, but you know as well as everyone else that you haven't. It's another one of your lies to cover yourself up.

One day it's going to come back to you. And I really hope I get a ringside seat to watch.


I hope you die alone in a very deep hole.

The worst part about this fucked up situation is that I actually still miss you.

I can say all I want, but even though you've been a complete prick to me and don't even think I'm worthy of a conversation, when I think about us being together it still makes me happy. Some of our conversations still make me feel good. 

And that makes me feel like shit, because after all that you left me so quickly. Right now, seeing you is so hard because I'm torn between the side of me that genuinely wants to spit at you at the sight of your face, and the other side of me that remembers how good it was when we were 'us'.

Why the hell did you have to fuck with my head like this?

I don't think there's anything left in me.

Not to care about you. It's all gone. Leaked out of the cracks you made.

I'm not going to pretend it wasn't a little painful when you didn't deny moving on so fast, but it was exactly what I thought. And if nothing else, this entire thing has proved that I'm quite often right in my hunches about you, right?

Seeing you didn't make me feel anything again. Just got annoyed by your face. It's a good sign in terms of me moving on. I'm just angry at you for acting like a prick about this whole thing.

Tomorrow will show, I guess. We'll find out exactly how much bullshit you're prepared to spew. No way am I making it easy for you.

I'm trying to pretend you didn't hurt me.

I know I'm lying to myself. To everyone around me. And I'm not fooling anyone.
You've really hurt me. I keep seeing you around and it genuinely affects me. You don't even care that I exist. I'm not even worth a conversation, am I? You replied and then you stopped. And you wondered why I was surprised?!
But I don't want to be that girl. The one who can get hurt because of a stupid failed relationship. I'm stronger than that. I have bigger issues to worry about. If more serious things don't affect me, why can this?
I know a main part of why you hurt me was the way this whole thing panned out. This ended exactly the same way I said it would. Right at the beginning. And you all told me I was being stupid and paranoid and cynical about the world. How could I experience life if I didn't give you a chance? Pshh. They didn't realise I had you figured out. But nonetheless you all wore me down until I let you in. And it ended the exact way I expected.
I hope you're happy the way you are. I hope you at least got some enjoyment out of this whole thing. A little closure, that's all I wanted, but you're clearly not up for that. One conversation. I have so much to say to you but clearly you're too coward to hear it. I don't expect anything to change, just to get these things off my chest so I can move on.
For someone who doesn't like it when people don't like you, you sure have a lot of enemies. And I'm not surprised. You can't treat people the way you do and then pull out the vulnerable card when it seems like it's going to go wrong. I don't care what your stupid issue was, you owed me the respect of a conversation. But no.
I'm going to get this conversation out of you, even if it means cornering you in a stairwell. No way are you going to carry on like this.

I found my notebook from 2 years ago.

I remember it not being a good time for me, but I didn't realise exactly how bad it was. Some of the things I wrote in there are shocking. It's both upsetting and relieving to know I went through that time. But I came out the other side.

The worst part is I'm starting to relate to it all again. Please don't let me sink back to that place.

i only came on here because you asked me to

I don't like to come online in this state but i wanted to make sure you knoew i was okay like you asked so I ccame on and omg typling is so gucking difficult who knew
i kept wanting to kiss you today what is that aviut i don't even like you that way,
please forget tonihy i'm ovberly fuvked and this isn;'t appropriate,
shit,. i want a cigarette.

Why does nothing satisfy you?

I don't understand what your problem is. Of course, that might just be because you'd never talk to me to tell me your problem.

I know what you want out of the mess that is/was this situation is her friendship back. Not mine. You couldn't care less about my friendship. You had your fill of that one. If nothing else, your unwillingness to accept any kind of reconciliation shows that. But hers, well hers is something you miss. You talked to her about everything and she understood. I don't blame you for wanting it back, she's an amazing person. But what is it exactly you want from me? I can't force her to forgive you for everything. You've hurt her badly, and I can't do anything about that.

I haven't wronged you in any way and you know it. So why do you insist on criticising everything I do or say? Why can't you either leave me alone or move on from this? What have I done at all that's deserved your hostility? I'm tired of this stupid argument you seem to feel the need to try and create. I leave you alone and you can't be doing with that. I've tried to show you there is nothing to argue about but clearly that's not enough for you either. Is there any possible way to win with you or do you just expect me to accept that you're never happy?

Help can come from the most unexpected places sometimes.

Thank you. So much.

I really didn't think talking about everything would help so much. Heaven knows I hate doing it. But it really did. And you listened to me, and you tried to help. In fact, I think you gave me some not bad advice.

I feel better already. Much better.

After what happened before, I really didn't think our friendship would follow through. But it clearly has. You've genuinely been there for me and I value that a lot. Next time, I hope I can help you.

I don't get you.

Your mood swings are just confusing me.

One minute you're all go, the next you're blanking me, the next you want to take everything slowly, and now you really care?

It didn't sound like you meant to back off because you wanted to make it last. It sounded like you wanted an easy way out. Were you just trying to get the sympathy and support of 'the best mate'?

I'm still assuming the same. If I don't expect you to be telling the truth, I can't get hurt if you're not.
If you are? Well we'll come to that if necessary.

Right now it sounds like you need to work on sorting yourself out before you come and pull me into it anyway.

Nothing like your best friend going missing to distract you from yourself.

She left Sunday morning, texted her dad that she was with me on Sunday evening and she's still not home.
I've not heard from her since Saturday night.
I don't have a clue where she is.

Her phone's off.
I really hope she gets in touch soon. Just to know she's alright would be enough.

Your 'We need to talk' isn't so scary when I've spent the week preparing.

You can't honestly believe I expected this week to be ignored like a blip. We both knew whilst it was happening that it showed a pretty big problem going on here. If you hadn't said something, I would have. Eventually.

It's a good thing I spent this week getting my detachment back. Because otherwise your little revelation probably would have ended up putting me in a pretty deep rut. But it's good, because I went through my rut on my own. No one around to wonder why, or even notice all that much. And I went through it pre-emptively, meaning it hurts a lot less.

And it's a good thing you realised you wanted out sooner rather than later. Well, even sooner probably would have been nicer for me, but it's all good. This week was actually just what I needed, clearly, to protect myself from whatever you're next planning to hit me with.

It means I actually get out of this relatively okay.

And I can have the victory of being right about the whole thing. Again.

I just wish you hadn't told me now. My focus is all gone from where I buried it in my work. Damn you.

BLEURGH.

d[pjweoia09hnilhjWNRFAS09JOI;LK

That's all I can say about how I feel right now.

I thought I was feeling better this morning, but I guess not.

Musical Therapy. That's what I need.

Listening to a ridiculous amount of music will always help me feel better about something.

That and burying myself in work. I can do that too; if I ever find the motivation. Then again my work is one of the things bringing me down, so maybe that wouldn't help at all.

Films aren't working this time though. It's a shame.

Please piss off.

Like seriously. Go away. Now, please.

Stop existing.

I wish Facebook would stop telling me you're online.

It's not like it's allowing me to forget the fact you're practically blanking me. I don't WANT to be stressing about it as much as I am; please stop shoving it in my face.

I'm fairly sure I'm not being paranoid here. I allowed for that, but this is ridiculous. This is more than that time you stopped talking to me; and that was obviously purposeful. In fact, I think we talked more then.

You've clearly not been too busy, since you found enough time to go out last night anyway. And you're not even responding to messages which get sent directly to you - ergo this is purposeful.

What is even going on here? Was this the idea all along? Reel me in and then laugh as you threw me back? What? Or maybe you just got bored. Already. If so, I have to say I'm impressed.

But I'm not going to be pushed around like this. I have every right to be annoyed, and I will be. You should know I'm not going to take this sort of treatment lying down. I'm not just a convenience for you; around when it's suitable. To think I actually believed you when you said this was important to you...

Pshh maybe things were going too well; I'm not allowed any sort of happiness for long.

I'm fed up of everyone assuming I'm going to do well.

I'm genuinely worried about this exam. I'm really finding it difficult. And I'm not saying it so people will compliment me, I honestly don't think I'm going to do well.
I'm not just being defeatist, I genuinely want to do whatever I can to change that fact, but right now I'm really not sure it's going to end well at all...
So please can you all STOP assuming I'm worrying about nothing, because I'm NOT.

He texts me something happy every day.

He learns my favourite songs on guitar because he knows I love it
He memorises everything I tell him about myself
He goes out of his way to see me when he gets let out

And I'm supposed to hurt him for you. I don't know how I'm expected to do that.

I don't think this is going to last.

I think the real reason I don't want to tell him is because I really don't know if it's worth it.
I can make excuses about not knowing the right way and his feelings, but I think the genuine reason is because I don't honestly think this is long term enough to merit it.
What happens if I tell him this week, and we end the week after?

I know you're stressing about where I'm going to uni next year, but I genuinely don't feel like we can last that long. You don't have that kind of track record. And as similar as we are in some respects, we're completely different people. I get tedious over long periods of time. You're going to want to move on. Hell, I'M probably going to want to move on.

I guess I still don't trust you enough to believe you when you say this is something you're actually thinking about seriously. It's hard to do when I don't see you in days and it kind of feels like you're not making any kind of effort. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I'm hormonal. But I can't deny that sometimes it really does feel like we're only together when it's convenient. And that's not really the kind of relationship that's going to last.

What's the point in breaking the kid's spirit for something not even nearly as strong?

I hope you realise you broke me.

I was happy and detached from life before. I liked my breezy outlook on everything. I was calm, collected; not much bothered me. I wouldn't lie, no matter what. I was completely face-value.

Now I'm starting to feel again; get angry, frustrated, embarrassed. Lying is tempting its way back into my life. I feel like I can be hurt again. I'm not enjoying what is; I'm looking forwards all the time. I'm threatening to become myself a few years ago. There is a reason I changed.

I'm not saying I don't love this new phase, but I do miss the old, simple me. She was a version of myself I could finally be somewhat happy with.

So it actually did go right?

Really? Is this my life?

Something must be about to go wrong... Surely?

I think I have to face it.

If I don't like him yet, I'm probably not going to.

...

At least, I think I don't like him. I don't get butterflies when I think of him or spending time with him. I thought that was the fundamental defining thing about liking someone. Or maybe it's just exaggeration. Maybe the truth is that butterflies aren't actually real, or they're not common at least.

Maybe I really am just thinking this whole thing through with my head and not really letting myself feel anything, but I can't deny all the reasons that this is a bad idea. I don't want to tell him though. I now know for a fact we will not see each other so much if I do. And even if I don't want anything to happen with him, I really do enjoy spending time with him.

And he actually snakes his arms around my waist exactly the way I love.

Ellie says I should make you wait.

I always think to ask Ellie when these things happen. I don't even know why. I think it's because she has a bluntly honest policy which is exactly what I want when I'm asking for advice. Also for the detachment factor.

I told her a brief run-down of 'the story'. I didn't mention the three week hiccough though. She says I should make you wait a while. Make sure you really know what I'm about before letting anything happen. In a way I think you already know a lot of the things she said you should be finding out about me, but I'm going to take her advice. After all, it's kind of exactly what I've been saying this whole time.

She also told me not to be scared. That's not so easily done. I'm actually genuinely terrified about this. Because there's only so long we can skirt around this. Sooner or later, you're going to get fed up or it's going to happen. I think I want the second but I really am genuinely terrified of it. And I don't know how I'm going to get more comfortable with the idea. 

Drink, anyone?

I still don't exactly feel like you were telling the truth.

Maybe I'm being over-sensitive and overly paranoid, but you can't blame me if I find it just a little difficult to trust you again. Even if what you're telling me is true, I almost feel like you only mean it when I'm around.
"Oh there she is, she's quite nice isn't she?"
I know it's only been a couple of days, but it just feels as if it's half-hearted when we're talking online, you don't seem exactly interested to talk to me. It's kind of the same way you were talking to me over the past 3 weeks. I thought you were doing less of the backing off now?
Perhaps it really is my paranoid and trust issues shining through; you've made yourself somewhat of a grey spot for me.
But given your past, and the past three weeks, I feel a little like I'm just a convenience. This is why I was cautious then, and I think it's coming back to be another reason to be cautious now.
But then again, what would I know?

Okay, so now I'm confused.

Apparently it was a misunderstanding. It seems like such a convincing argument...
But what if you're lying?
"I'm so good at lying, people are less likely to believe me when I'm telling the truth"
Not really a reason for me to trust you, is it?

But at the same time, I really want to. She's not making it up when she says we'll probably be pretty good together. We probably would.
I'm still scared though. I don't know if I'm ready to go into anything just yet. But I don't think you'll wait around for long. There's only so many times you'll ask before you'll just give up.

I want to talk to you.

I need to get this off my chest. And I need to tell this to you. You need to hear it.

You might be one of those people who likes to know a lot of people. You like getting to know a load of people at the same time, you like being able to flit between groups of people. You like to keep your options open.
I can't do that. I'm just not bothered with idle chitchat and surely that's all you can do if you don't know people that well? I like to have a few people around me that know me well, than just be able to wave to a lot of people in the corridor. I like to get to know one person at a time, and know them really well. You don't work that way.
You must have caught me on a bad week or something, because I was doubting myself. But I was wrong. I am the way I am because I like it. It makes me happy. I choose not to talk to a lot of people. I choose not to stand in the smoking area all day making conversation with random people. I like the way I am and the way I am with friendship.
And you're the only one apart from Awkward Guy that has ever really found any kind of problem with the way I talk to people, so clearly my conversational skills are not that poorly lacking. Yeah, sure the things she said were true, but she admits it doesn't mean I'm hard to talk to.
But I digress.
My point is, we're different kinds of friends. We both knew this. I even mentioned it, in fact. I'm alright with that. Just because I don't like to go around not really knowing most people a tonne, but being able to hang out with a ridiculous amount, doesn't mean I can have friends like that. I don't mind being one of those people you see around and say hi to, but not really anyone special. The thing that's pissed me off is the way you went about this.
"Oh you'll get bored of me soon enough. This walking is far too much effort for you, you'll get fed up." That wasn't just me being modest or cynical or pessimistic or trying to fish for some kind of compliment. It was me telling you the truth. Because that's always how it happens. And I'm completely fine with it, I've dealt with that.
"Oh no way, I wouldn't. I'll show you, in a month we'll still be doing this. I like spending time with you and that's not going to change any time soon." Lies. Lies, lies lies. Maybe you didn't even realise it at the time, I don't know. But in the end you did exactly what I first expected from you. I suppose on the one hand it bugs me for starting to believe you. You were so adamant I was wrong, I guess I thought maybe you were an exception. For sure, no one had put in as much effort to talk to me as you did at that point.
The crazy thing is, it was the very next day that this started.
I wouldn't even be this bothered if you'd actually given me the courtesy to tell me you'd 'changed your mind'. I keep using that phrase because it sounds nicer in my head than 'gotten bored with me'. But you could have just given me some notice, and I could just move on with my day, deal with it. But you didn't. You acted completely normal and then didn't bother to wait for me, and haven't spoken to me since. Not even that, you lied to me about that day, pretending you had an excuse. You did not 'jet off', you were sat with a load of people for ages. And I saw you later on your bike just hanging out at the crossing. So don't give me that.
"Oh I don't see you around anymore!" More lies. Of course you do. I'm not acting in any way different to how I was the first week. And if you genuinely don't, it's because you're not looking. That first week, you must have been actively seeking me out, because you came up to me wherever we were in relation. You dropped conversation to come talk to me. And I know for sure you saw me today.
And it's not even like I've been demoted to average friend. I'm lower than that even. You won't come over any more at all, you don't talk... What's even going on?! Do I not at least deserve an explanation or a warning of some kind? No?
You know yourself. You should have known yourself well enough to know this would be what you'd do. Or maybe you were just lying to me long enough to work out if I was going to be an easy addition to your list. Maybe it really is as simple as the story I told to someone. It was literally you waiting for some kind of answer then moving on in search of the easiest yes you could find. If so, I'm glad. I really don't want to be friends with someone who is like that. I certainly wouldn't want to let myself get close to them.

ARGH. Out of that entire week did you not pick up the most fundamental thing about me? I'd rather you told me you got bored of me than this ridiculous behaviour. I wouldn't even be mad at you if you had. At all.

There's more I wanted to say, but it's slipped my mind and, quite frankly, I don't want to try and remember it right now.

You're such a hypocrite it's unbelievable.

What the hell do you think gives you the right to criticize me for something you do yourself?!
No one asked you to cyberstalk me. Leave me alone.
If you have a problem with what I do, then ignore me. And if you have something to say to me then say it right to me.
Funnily enough I haven't been talking to or about you all the time. Just because you think the world revolves around you doesn't mean it actually does.
In fact, if anything you have been getting annoyed with YOURSELF. Ugh for goodness sake it's not MY fault you are incapable of keeping a good friend.
I've stopped being bothered.

I can't even think of the words.

God knows I'm rubbish at talking about myself or how I'm feeling. This was supposed to be helping that.
But I'm feeling ridiculously awful and I can't explain it.

I thought it was just shark week; you know, hormones. But I think there's something else to it. But I don't want it to be what I'm thinking it might be. I'm stronger than that. Really.

I don't get worked up over this kind of thing. It was a week. a week. Yes, it was a brilliant week, but only 5 days. Not even that, 4. 4 DAYS.
What the hell is wrong with me? How did I manage to let you get this much into my head when I've known you for such a short time?
I want to hate you for that.

I'm not kidding when I say I'm trying to give up on you though. I really don't want to be this worked up over you. You're this kind of person and I think I always knew it. I thought seeing you would make me less fed up, but it didn't. And that's how I know that I'm genuinely bothered. And that I'm also doing a better job of leaving you behind me.

Plus you clearly lied to me. I really can't be doing with that. And even if what you told me wasn't a lie, the context was. You did not 'jet off' that day, and we both know it. You just wanted to be with other people. The least you could have done is told me you changed your mind. I would have been fine then. At least you would have been up front. Pssh.

I got 4 days of your time, and thanks for that.
I guess I'll just see you around.

I realise now that you're the new him.

I know it's making parallels in my own life that aren't strictly true, but I can see it so clearly right now.
It's like the cycle all over again, and knowing you, I'm going to end up hurt.
For three months we were each other's everything. And yes, I'm not even going to deny it; I was the best goddamn friend he's had! The people he's surrounded himself with are liars and cheaters and just genuine idiots, they don't respect him at all and in their way, it's changed him. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again. I miss the old him. But there's nothing I can do about it now. He likes who he is and he's somewhat happy with his friendships.
But I can't go around just knowing a few people, I'm one who needs a close friendship. I need to know I have someone to talk to when I'm feeling like crap, not some people who I can go sit with on a good day. You can. You do. It's how you work. And I'm fairly sure, just like him, in a month or so, you will be over this thing and you will move on. It's probably not worth your while not to anyway.
I spent the entire weekend trying to work out if you were worth letting my guard down, starting to trust.
I realise now that I don't feel like you are. I don't think anyone is. I guess I'm pretty cynical. You said yourself that I shouldn't base my trusts now on what happened in the past, but I can't help it. I don't know if I'll find anyone worth the trust anymore. And that's my own issue. But today really sort of brought it home for me.
Yes, okay it's a little overreaction for what happened, but any time anything like this happens again, no matter how small, I'm most likely going to respond like this. And I can't help it. So you should probably just walk away now before it gets any worse for either of us.
Oh, and I'm rethinking London. I guess we'll see on Wednesday.

I don't know whether trusting you is worth it.

There's so many reasons for me to trust you. You haven't given me any reason not to, anyway. Not that I know of. Though I guess I wouldn't...
And I know we have a great time together. I get on better with you than most people I know. And that's strange because I've only known you a week.
You seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with me. It's something new.

But then again, the speed with which you've fallen for me is a reminder of how quickly you could forget me. Doesn't it show how quickly you can move from person to person, feeling to feeling?
Not to forget your past. Your list is long. Very long. And mine is non-existent.
You have a reputation of moving on fast. I know you told me not to listen, but how can I not? And whatever your reasons are, I don't think this particular aspect is a lie. It's no secret that you don't do long term. It's also no secret that you like to be with someone. I refuse to be just another name on your list.
And maybe you say that you really like me. But you really liked all of the others at some point. For you, really liking something can be easy and temporary; for me it's hard and long-lasting. For a few years my motto has been 'never be more involved than the other person'. I don't think I am right now, but what if I become it? What if I end up becoming far too wrapped up in you?
If I let my guard down, there's a risk of it. A high chance; I know how I get.

After that first night, I already planned my speech for you if you tried again. I didn't want to be with anyone. I wasn't looking for that. Shouldn't I stick with my instincts?
But then again, I didn't know you as well then. I didn't enjoy your company so much. You weren't spending your own time to walk home with me, even though it made your journey so much longer. Something tells me that if I tell you I don't want anything, you'll stop and won't want to spend so much time with me. And I genuinely do enjoy spending time with you. But I'm fairly sure you'll be looking for someone else to be something more than friends with. How am I to know you're not acting like this with someone else, even right now?
Isn't there the potential, though? The potential for something really good, even if it's just for a month or two? Isn't it about time I experienced this? I've been told all my life that it's worth it, surely it must be?

I guess I just need more time to tell.

This new blogger dash is strange

It's telling me I have a ridiculous amount of pageviews for a blog no one knows about...

This is the most secure I've felt in a while.

I completely believe that dreams tell us so much about our subconscious and how we really feel. I really have worked through a lot of personal stuff by listening to my dreams.

I had one of the most hopeful dreams I've had in a while the other night. It was really nice and it's stuck with me. I mean, for the entire thing I was completely distressed and practically bawling and screaming, but the difference was that at the end, there were actually people who were worried about me.

I know there were a lot of other issues in it I need to deal with, but the end has really stuck with me. Usually in dreams I'm by myself, but in this one there were people - only about 4 or so but it was still amazing - who were actually worried for me and caring. I guess it shows how much better I've been feeling lately.

For the first time,

I think I'm actually starting to believe what you say.

I've realised

It's much easier to kid myself I'm being included when I don't try to get involved.

I should go tomorrow.

It'll give me some kind of inclusion. And maybe recognition?

You know, if the plans don't miraculously fail again.... *ahem.

Maybe I was being paranoid

Or maybe you just got over it eventually...

Being on the internet actually upsets me now.

It's amazing how the one place that used to be my respite, my sanctuary, is actually now the place that makes me feel worst right now.

Clearly my bed is the only place I can feel alright.

I just don't understand

How some people can be so unthoughtful, ungrateful and two-faced and yet still come out the other side better off. It's constantly there; everywhere is society. The manipulators win out. It's infuriating.

The worst part is when no one else sees their schemes and their stories. Oh yeah great, just worship her, why don't you. That's a great plan. Because she's really completely perfect. Yeah sure.

ARGHWEFWFIEWEIFNKLWEM:L

It's a good thing no one cares enough to check this.

I need somewhere to put stuff when I feel like ranting. Somewhere no one will check that I know who will get offended for some reason or other . I can't just write it out in a book, I lose any form of journal as soon as I start it. And I want to keep it so I can read it through and hopefully feel better.

I figure I may as well put this account to good use then.

More Musings

I feel like I need to start writing down what’s going on in my head. I’m very creative so maybe I need to pour this angst into something material.
So yes, I admit, I’ve been giving him special treatment. I’m not quite sure why. Actually, that’s a lie. I know why. Sort of. Whenever I meet new people, I try and find whatever way I can to connect with them, make them want to be my friend. I’ll find as many ways to contact them, conversation starters and what have you. I’m just not sure whether this is the same, or something more.

I can’t deny that the other night was a lot of fun... well, what I remember of it. Good experience and all. ‘I strike again’ sort of moment though. I don’t know how he feels about it. I don’t think he will tell me. He says he enjoyed himself too, but isn’t he supposed to say that? I was the fragile little drunk girl he’d agreed to look after. I’m amazed he stayed with me that long. If he really did enjoy it, I wonder if he’d ever do it again. Will he leave by to myself if there’s another time?

I do wonder whether they’re right when they say he wanted something to happen though. I’m not sure I know enough about him or his past to know if he was just after the skirt that was with him, or he genuinely wanted me. I’d like to think it was the latter, but my instinct tells me it’s the first. It makes sense. I vaguely recall him telling me something along the lines of him liking me in some way, and me being repetitive in my answering. I really wish I could remember what he was saying though. Plus, alcohol can drive a lot of untrue things to be said. There’s also a lot more I don’t even vaguely recall. There might be something weird in that one. They say they noticed him around me the whole night, and I’ll admit it seemed like he was hovering around me somewhat, but that seemed like coincidence more than anything. And yes he was sort of feeding me drink, but only because I asked for it. I don’t want to look too deeply into something imagined or forced together from fuzzy memories.

The best way for me to know how I feel is experience. I realise this now. I didn’t know how I felt before because I’d only had one side. I think we need to spend another evening like last time around each other, and see how it pans out. If I’m aware of what the circumstances are in my own head, then I might be able to pick up on stuff better. I need to talk to him in person too, and see if it’s just a clouded judgement by alcohol. Maybe I should have gone to his party, seen what happened there. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to get to him though. He didn’t seem that bothered about me being there, so I figured it wasn’t too important to him. I guess I won’t know if I was right... I do need to know where I stand myself though. It really might just be the excitement of a new friend, a new contact, rather than anything else. I need to find out how much of an extent this stretches to.

If it does turn out that he likes me, though, I still don’t know what I’d do. The stories I’ve heard about him... Granted they’re not actually large in numbers; only one or two, and likely exaggerated as well. But even so, I find myself believing them quite easily. I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with him. I don’t think it’d work. I remember in the aftermath of the other night considering the idea of friends who mess around, but then again, that’s the part I’m worst at. Plus I don’t think I’d be able to do anything with him whilst sober. It’d be weird. Add in the fact that I don’t think we’re even officially allowed to call each other ‘friends’ yet, and I’m fairly sure that plan is a no-go. Probably something he’s better suited to though.

I guess all I can do is wait really. Wait for the right event to come along, or the right people. And, you know, the right amount of alcohol. I have a feeling this needs to begin with large amounts of it.

Maybe I’m only creating this because my mind wants something new to occupy it, but I don’t think so. I’m worried I’m going to get too involved in it though. I know when I think about stuff enough, my mind distorts it. My memories could be changing him into a completely different person, simply because it’s choosing to see him that way. I don’t want this to end up not working out and me having to pull myself out of it if I get too deep. It’s easier to stay casual about it when there isn’t a long wait before me starting to figure out something is different and me being able to confirm it. Or maybe it’d be better if I hadn’t started to build this theory in my head; stayed oblivious to any possibility.

Ugh I don’t know. We’ll just have to see how it goes.

Clicking save is going to be so strange.

Wow.

Lack of postage here.

Try here instead, yeah?

I actually feel like screaming.

some people are so lazy it's ridiculous.

but you know what? why am i wasting this effort on it when it doesn't affect my life.

i can put it to better use.

gossip girl marathon tonight methinks.

Say hello to all the boys on the top of this table that you're under.

Okay so it didn't turn out exactly the way I hoped.

But you know what?

I'm good with it.

:D

Trust has been earnt and hopefully now I can finally be a part of something.

Snooping pays off.

Tragedy is in the air like it's contagious.

I know I shouldn't read it but I can't help it.

Now I feel awful.

Why do I do this to myself?!

Why aren't I over this already?

I guess I'm more angry at myself than anything else.

It's my own fault.

My own inadequacies.

I'll be okay, is that what you want me to say?

So much drama.

Guess who's dating?

It's like an excitement that's sinking in my stomach.

I guess I'm just not good enough for you then.

I don't know how I feel about it.

I wish you could talk to me about how things really are.

It's been too long since the last time.

The rest is a sort of isolation.

What a failure of an attempt.

Maybe it's time to let it all out.

But it's so hard.

The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from.

Okay so I'm on an epic mayday parade high.
I think I tend to be. Like, all the time.

I'm so glad I've met them!!! :D

LMFAO

LOL xD

Eurgh.

Wow, college really takes the energy out of me.

...

Though it doesn't really help that I stay up until ridiculous hours...
:P

I also discovered that I'm ridiculously awful at making new friends.
In any way.
Damn.

:/

On a lighter note...
Gossip Girl season 4 has begun!
:D

Oh dear god.

The runaways.
UK release date extended to the 10th September.
Are you KIDDING me?!

Taylor Momsen

Yeah...

I don't get it.

Okay, so she plays Jenny Humphrey in Gossip Girl.

She's a model.

She has a band - The Pretty Reckless.

An amazing friend recommended her to me as a 'person to watch' so I thought I'd give her a shot.

She's certainly watch-able enough on Gossip Girl.

I heard that she formed a band a while ago but after releasing a demo CD decided to fire the entire band for not being the right sound for her. Then she finally put together this lot and got a record deal as soon as she was ready.

Already I'm a little apprehensive.

So anyway, I watched her video for her band.

"Miss Nothing".

Oh dear god.

The girl is 17.

She's 6 months older than me. That's it. 6 months!

Now I'm not one to be prude but what the hell?!

She practically writhes about on the table.

WHAT?!

Okay yes, she looks amazing. Her look is fantastic.

But why?!

Just, why?!

What's the need?!

Apparently she got axed from Gossip Girl because of 'creative differences'.

Yeah. We know what THAT means.

Sorry, I just can't do it.

Blair

I swear Blair from Gossip Girl looks so much like Paperlilies AKA Bryony from youtube.

Check it out:

See it??

New Addiction?

So since I got back, I've banned myself from my previous guilty addictions.

Omgpop, the twilight books, cheesy rom-coms...

...And then I walked right into another one.

I tried out Gossip Girl. I was told it was good.

Didn't really get into the pilot episode but persevered anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't have.

I got hooked from about the 3rd episode. And now it's led me into a life of staying up to watch it until 6am because I just can't stop!

I'll say one thing. At least season 4 is coming out very soon.

I won't have to wait for ages.

:D

Results

So yesterday was the day.

THE DAY.

...

GCSE results day.

Facebook was buzzing with it.

Everyone's panicking status updates of "Good Luck Guys!" and "I just know I did awfully"

And then there's always the smart-arse who posts something like "I know I'm getting full marks HA to all you commoners!"

But hey that's GCSEs for you.

Brings out different sides in people...

P.S. I didn't do too badly myself. 9A*s and 2As.

:D

I am back!

Yes, that's right!
I'm not dead!
I'm back home!
(Though it was one hell of a journey...)

Ahh so much I have to do now!
:S