There's so much and not much at the same time.

I've been dealing with your shit for so long that I think I've actually given up. Do what the fuck would want and my greatest achievement is not letting you pull me down, really. I'm done with caring for you so much that it brings me down.

I'm going back to obscurity. I know I'll hate it, but I can't fight it too hard because I haven't actually had time to myself in a couple of years now. I hate myself, but I do miss just doing nothing,

I need rest, I've been needing it for at least the last year. This new lifestyle I live is exhausting, and no one can deny it. I absolutely love what it's given me, but I need to somehow find moderation.

I need to keep going on. That's the most important thing.

I make terrible decisions and I have terrible judgement, but I can always survive if I put my mind to it. I need to remember that.

And I need to learn moderation. Someday.

I'm trying to help you

I've been trying to stop you from getting sucked in for years, but you keep delving deeper.

I'm worried there's nothing now I can do to help you. Nothing I say makes a difference to you anymore You never listen. Soon enough I'll be even further away and even less relatable to you. I just don't want you to go to a dark and unhealthy place, because it's not who you really are. It's what everything around you has made you.

Why do you think you need these things? Why do you think they'll make you happier? The grass is always greener. And even if you got those things you'll still find a greener field up ahead. This is how the system works.

I just really really hoped you wouldn't buy into it so wholly. It's a river of misery, and the only way not to get carried away by greed and consumerism and 'not being good enough' is to stay out of the stream. But you dipped your toes in years ago and you've been slowly climbing in since.

Please, just don't drown.

I am stronger than this.

I've been feeling so strange lately. I don't really know where I'm at right now anyway, I didn't think I was in trouble until I came back.

I knew there was definitely an issue, but I really think this time has given me the strength to tackle it...

But I'm also hating myself and feeling shit about everything right now to do with me. I  just fuck shit up. That's myself included. I don't think things through; and that's fine, as long as I cam deal with the fall out, but I can't right now. I am too weak.

I'm trying my hardest to be my strongest self; the one that is always helpful and doesn't give a shit about anything. But it's wearing thin for me here.

I know I can do this back there, but I don't want to wish my time here away, I want to enjoy myself and make the most of my time off. But I do also want to get right out of here so I can be back where I have the support I need for anything that can hit me.

I'm not feeling the most useful right now, and I'm just fucking useless. But I miss people being with me whilst I fuck up.

You guys are the best people I've ever known. I don't know how I've come to need/rely on/love you guys so much. But I already am finding it hard without you. Thank you, for absolutely everything.

I think I needed some time alone without realising it.

I've spent so much of my life busy and out and about and with other people that I think I momentarily forgot how to be with myself. I've spent such a majority of my time lately with people who I get on with and care about me; I got lonely fast.

This bit of time is good, it reminds me of who I am and doesn't let me get sucked into all the bullshit. I know what I want and I know what makes me happy. Funnily enough, it's this. I've been on a steady path of losing that since this summer. But I can remember it. Be stronger again.

I like my own company. I like time by myself. I like to enjoy things on my own. I don't need company every second of the day. It tires me.

Now hopefully I can cut out this bullshit making everything far more complicated than it needs to be. I am me. I am exceptionally happy right now. I have a whole group of amazing people in both places I live that not only enjoy my company but seem to genuinely care for me. I appreciate that so much. It's something at one point in my life I really never thought I'd have. This is all I have ever wanted.

That other crap just happened because I got sucked into what other people were doing and wanted and what made them happy. I do not need to overcomplicate anything.

I am self fucking dependent if I need to be. I can take care of myself. I do not NEED them but I can appreciate them with everything I have whilst they're here. I need to remember that.

I also need to remember what this feels like to get me through whatever happens after this is over.

People can fuck you up without you knowing it.

So recently I encountered someone from my past that I can't say I remember positively. But it's been about 6 years now, and I've put everything that happened behind me. Or so I thought.

For some reason he kept wanting to bring up the past and what had happened, I think to make himself feel better. He kept saying how sorry he was and how he wishes he'd handled the situation better. Maybe he just wanted me to say it was okay and that I was better for it, but I didn't. I agreed with him; it was shitty. But I had put it far behind me and moved on with my life. I didn't want to revisit old shit, it was done. What good did it do bringing old wounds back?

The more he pushed and kept talking about it the more the old feelings came back. I was getting angrier and angrier at him for what had happened. I felt like I was 16 all over again, hurt by the actions of this petty boy. In the end he finally dropped it, and conversation moved on. Or, more accurately, I just went and talked to someone else.

But since that night it's gotten me thinking. What happened between the two of us was ridiculous, barely a thing at all. He kept referring to it as a 'relationship' which, quite frankly, is completely ridiculous. He would walk me home and we would chat for hours. I do that with my best friends. But he insisted that night that was what we had. And that's what started my mind thinking; is he the reason I'm fucked up in that department?

I was young and inexperienced. I had no experience at all with boys and charm and certainly had never gotten attention from guys in that way before. It was novel and it felt good, so I fell for it. Maybe at the time I did think it was a relationship. But then all the shit happened and I ended up hurt. And mad at myself for being naive and gullible. Old friends had already given me trust issues when it came to getting close to people, I was usually so well guarded. But no, I had let this guy in and I had ended up unhappy.

And so it began. My foray into 'relationships' and partners and all of it. A few months later I found myself in my first proper relationship, with a guy that certainly wasn't intelligent enough to try and screw me over. And for 8 months I really was happy. But it took me at least 4 of those months to let him or anyone else use that word. Relationship. Even using it now in an abstract context makes me feel uncomfortable.

I can't say that ended well either, but somehow for the complete opposite reason. This time it was him that got in too deep. There was a lot of other shit that went with that, but that's a different story. The fact is that this was my second attempt at being with a guy and this time had not ended well either.

It wasn't long until I found myself in an arrangement with another guy. This time, casual. That was definitely the only way I felt comfortable anymore. After the situation previously, I certainly didn't want that connection. The word 'relationship' was taboo the entire time we were together, even when it turned from friends with benefits to what everyone else would use that word for. The term makes me want to jump up and run away and never speak to the other person again. That didn't end well either.

So now here I am. After all that I stayed away from any of that for almost 2 years. Certainly not looking for anything, and with nothing really falling into my lap in that respect (figuratively and literally). I certainly don't want a relationship, I'm still completely repulsed by the word.

And here's the thing I've been thinking. Was it his fault that I can't handle closeness with someone romantically? I know that I don't ever tend to let people I'm with in that way. I make sure I'm always the one with the control. The one who cares less is always the one with the control. So I make sure that's who I am. With my first relationship it was because I made sure to convince myself it was going to end at a certain date, so after that I could pull myself away. I was the one there that was least involved by the time it was over. Even at the beginning, he was the one to push for it to become a 'thing'. And the second, I made sure everything was on my terms. Again, he was the one asking for us to become 'exclusive'. Everything, including our friendship, fell apart because he said he always felt like he was more into than I was. In the few casual scenarios I've had since, I've made sure not to let on how much I may or may not like the guy. Make it all about the temporary gratification. I have very little patience with them, and it tends to be very easy for me to just drop them from my life if necessary. I certainly don't rely on them for anything.

I was recently told by a guy that liked me that he was fed up of everything being on my terms. He was sick of me seeming like I didn't care and him seeming "like a nuisance". This is a pattern I've been carrying out since 6 years ago. I always considered maybe it was because I just really didn't care that much. I was picky with guys and very good at moving on. I was getting with guys that just didn't understand me, so there was no connection. But I wonder now if this is just a defence mechanism. An automatic response to make sure that I don't get hurt again. Don't leave myself vulnerable. Always be in control. Be distant.

I know it's getting worse. I'm far more guarded now than I ever was before.

And it's only romantically that I'm like that. With friendships I'm clingy as fuck. I definitely have none of the power there. I definitely leave myself open to - and more often end up - getting hurt.

Maybe it's also the reason I don't let myself have feelings for people, either. As soon as I feel like I'm getting attached to someone I try and project it onto someone else that I don't think about that way. Get rid of the feelings, quick, before they manifest. Stay protected.

But back to the point. I've been spending a lot of time by myself this past week, so I've been perhaps overthinking this all a little. But whether he is wholly responsible - which seems unlikely - or just that first switch that got flicked, I think it's safe to say he fucked me up somehow. And I didn't even realise it was him.

Oh dear.

I definitely got myself in far too deep this summer. I find myself staring at pictures of him, even if he's just in the corner of them. I have no idea how he feels about it - whether now I'm gone he's going to move on to someone else or actually stick with what he's in. It was so nice being together so much this summer but it really seems like it did more harm than good. For me, at least. Especially since once we didn't have to see each other so much we didn't.

He did come out for my last night even when he said he might not. I have a tiny feeling he made himself available on purpose, based on past experience. But then again maybe not.

Ugh it's so ridiculous that he's still on my mind after I got with other people and now have moved away. I think I just need to actually move on. Time will help, too.

(Just got to try and find myself someone now I'm here! Not sure how since I'm pretty sure just meeting in a club isn't the perfect set up and I won't be working here, but I'm sure something will come up. Need to go out more to meet people, obviously.)

I know what I shouldn't be doing.

The problem here is that I know exactly what I should do in this situation, I'm just consciously choosing not to do it. I'm deciding, with full knowledge of the consequences, to make the wrong decision. To do the wrong thing.

I am usually so good with self control, but this time I'm just doing the easy thing. I'm doing the thing that makes me feel less lonely and more comfortable, even though I realise it will probably leave me more alone in the end.

I think a large part of it may be because this is the first thing like this to happen in a very long time. Years. So yes, I am getting carried away as if it is the first time. I know I'm going to end up hurt, like every other time. Except this time is worse because I will end up with other people hurt too.

Why can't I just stop myself? Why can't I do the right thing, as I have forced myself to do in the past, and move on with my life? It's self-sabotage in one of the worst ways.

Why is no one stopping me?!

I hate myself

And I don't know why I expected anything different from anyone else. I am worth nothing to everyone universally and I don't know why I didn't understand that until now.

I need to stop forming attachments so easily.

I also need to stop finding people annoying as easily.

I've somehow managed to land myself a decent sized friendship group from my first day here, yet two of them I can't stand and one of them I can put up with a little too much.

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just be light and easy, not get so close to people I've only known a week and also not let them get under my skin?!

Figures it'd be the English guy that would piss me off the most though. Hah.

Hopefully when lectures start I'll manage a new group of people. And hopefully I'll keep reasonably close to those I'd like to. Without encouraging my mind's imagination.

I also need to try and actually get enthusiastic about sports. Eurgh.

I guess I've moved forward again.

I haven't found myself attractive at all over the past 9 months in the slightest. Probably over.

It's been a point of my life where I do what I want, when I want to. There is no way I have to tell anyone or ask for allowance for any of that!

But since I've started feeling differently (maybe 2 weeks or so) about everything, I guess that was included.
All I know is that I've looked at myself for the past two days and it makes me glad I don't have a mirror in our room. I've looked terrible.

For there is so much to achieve

I am only now realising that everything is accessible to everyone. That any single person can decide "yes I will do this." That all people are responsible only to their own will.

I have held myself prisoner to my beliefs and others' for years; surely it is time to let them reign free?!

I will not apologise. I will not allow inconvenience to rule my being; I will not accept any form of disencouragement for anything someone has the spirit to involve themselves in; to whatever you want must you fly and to whatever draws you must you give.

Are you seriously kidding me.

A week ago you wanted nothing more to do with me and me you. We were arranging to meet up merely for me to be able to shout at you for behaving like an insensitive prick - or at least that's how I saw it - and I wasn't even sure if I was ready for that yet.
And now you're acting like everything's okay. Like we can behave the way we used to. Like the past three months didn't happen.

Like fuck you're going to be able to walk all over me again. It's tempting to let you, but I just need to remember how you've behaved. You should know I can't trust you any more. And this behaviour is just messing with my head.

Yes, I'd like it if we could go back to before. But there's no way in hell that's going to happen any more. And you saw to that. So seriously don't go looking for it again. I've moved on from that and my nostalgia will not let me fall into that trap again.

You treated me like nothing. And now that's all we are.
I need to remember that.

The only reason I feel like a failure is because of you

I genuinely wouldn't have cared about results. I really didn't give a shit.

But I've seen them now and I realise how much of a disappointment I am

I'm fucking shit, Waste of time piece of crap.

I'm so sorry, I tried. I really did.

The whole thing left me drained,

And I wasn't good enough.

I am fucking loving life

Seriously, I may have been drinking, and be listening to beautiful music but I seriously have loved this year so far. And whilst I am completely ready for a new adventure I seriously want to make it clear how much I have loved tonight I guess.
Alex, you are amazing, Thank you so much for convincing me out tonight.
No matter what my dad says I'm applying for Nova Scotia and whether I regret it or not he can't try and control me with his "they're intolerant" bullshit. If it's true, I'll swallow my words but how can a UK university associate themselves with a place as racist as my dad is suggesting?! If it is the case then there is serious  reform to be done. If not I will hopefully be on my way to experience a different lifestyle.
I can see myself genuinely having  a good time there.

The loneliness is starting to hit.

I loved last semester. Like really, really loved it. I'd felt closer to everyone here than I had since I'd met them and I was having all these amazing times and experiences constantly. It was amazing. I'm not sure how much happier I could have been. I'd made more friends and formed myself this close knit friendship circle I could actually rely on.

But everything has completely changed. And I saw it coming, I really did. That's why I was so reluctant to let it happen and I mentioned it so many times. I knew this would happen, despite all the reassurances otherwise.

I've lost my housemates. They're all coupled up or wrapping themselves back into other things. I've lost the guys in my life. Everyone's pulling away and busy with their own lives.

Being single last semester was amazing and the best thing. I didn't know how much I could enjoy it. But it's no fun when you're the only one left. It's no fun when you have to think about another person for every one of your mates.

I can't believe you tried to use me to make her jealous.

I've already told you I'm not interested. I've also made it extremely clear whose side I'd be on if it came down to you and her.

She's not interested; you need to move on.

Yes, I act that way with other friends of mine but they are such different circumstances. I know for a fact that they are acting the way they are out of friendship; not to use me to turn me as a weapon or against other people close to me.

You're a good friend of mine and I have tried so hard to help you; but if you are genuinely going to act this way then I would genuinely rather deny any connection to you.

How fucking dare you act that way. It genuinely offends me. And I hope you understand me enough to realise why.

It's funny because of all these murder mysteries I've been watching

I keep thinking you're using me for an alibi or just someone that's interested in me to use me to get to someone else... I'm imagining you're a suspect.
I don't know if it's that part of me that doesn't understand how you can be interested in me at all or that part that wants you to be using me for something more.
It's interesting but I think I may be looking into it too much because I feel like I should...

I should have kept a diary this summer.

I can't shake the feeling I've just wasted my time the past 4 months. I can barely even remember what I did in the blur of drinking and sleeping.

I also can't shake the feeling that it's all your fault I feel like it was a waste. How have you managed to get into my head enough to make me feel like I've been inadequate just because that's how you see it?! I enjoyed pretty much every minute of it. Surely that's all that matters.

Yes, that's what matters. But maybe I could have done with a few more photos.

I think I must have a jealousy issue big time.

That's why every time I see or hear that someone else is having a great time without me it just makes me feel angry and upset. And no it's not everyone that it applies to, but the people I'm closest with for sure.

Perhaps it's because I'm so used to being around when they're having a good time that it just makes me feel left out? Perhaps I have some subconscious self-importance that means I must always be the cause of someone's happiness.

It's certainly the case that I am usually happier with certain people around (excepting of course certain scenarios), and maybe it's the old insecurity of being more invested than someone else in a friendship. That they don't even care if I'm around or not.

The worst is the thought that they're used to it and I'm just superfluous in their life. I think that's my greatest fear with everyone I know and care about a lot. It's been there for so long as well, I'm not sure if I could get rid of it...

But every time I see a picture of one of these people out having a good time, or they mention how brilliant they are and the time they've been having has been or they simply won't stop using the pronoun 'we' about them and someone else, I can't help but feel my stomach sink through the floor and want to curl up into a ball. It sort of devastates me.

I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive about this. I guess it goes to show my dependence on certain people despite my constant striving for independence. Doing a pretty shitty job, aren't I?

But I guess in time I may get desensitised to it. Used to it enough that it just rolls off my back and doesn't have this effect. Hopefully.

I try to convince myself and others that I'm not high-maintenance.

But it's really a lie; isn't it?

I remember being around the age of 9 or 10 and a cousin I'd never met before of my dad's walking me around my uncle's wedding telling me about the entire concept of high and low maintenance. At the time I was a whiny kid, so I don't really blame her for criticising me on that one, but after that it's been an important thing on my mind in terms of how I judge my own character.

I've tried to change myself a lot and I don't know exactly how much of it is ultimately for the better or just what I felt like at the time. A lot of the time I've failed. But I always know that the version of me I will always like the most is the one I perceive as low-maintenance. I even remember what period of my life it was, since it's been the one I've been trying to get back to for over a year at this point. That time, when I just didn't care about anything. I was emotionally numb and that was exactly the right thing for me at the time. I could just go through life without worrying about being hurt or any of it. And a consequence of that was being insular and self-sufficing. I didn't need anything really from anyone else because I could be content with whatever I had. I don't know how long for, but I imagine it will be my favourite version of myself for quite some time.

But since then I've been constantly struggling to maintain that part of me. It's definitely failed drastically. All I try and do is hold myself back but it's like a badly made dam; it's not going to hold back the current for very long. All too many times I feel myself expecting so much more from everyone around me; expecting an onslaught of attention that, let's be honest, I in no way deserve the likes of. It continues for a while and when I don't get what I want I become angry and grumbly and moany and try to take it out on both them and myself. Of course, what with my passive-aggressive way of dealing with things, it's rare the other person actually notices anything is awry so it just becomes a strange type of self-torture. It's not until I start questioning why I'm feeling so rubbish that I realise exactly what is going on. And I consequently hate myself more in response for not making sure the dam was working. Once I've realised what's going on, I make an even harder effort to hold it all back; rebuild the dam and hope this time it'll be stronger and last longer.

What I think I need to realise is, considering how long I've been struggling with this, perhaps it's a part of me that really doesn't want to go away or be changed. It's so persistent - the current doesn't get any weaker. Perhaps the point of it all is to learn that it's something about myself I have to always hate and not do anything about, because I can't. Even though I find it one of the biggest personality flaws, not only in myself but also in others. It's a quality that really annoys and frustrates me.

Maybe I will just have to accept this part of self-loathing forever. Because trying to change it has gotten me nowhere.