I worry

 Am I just scared of being alone? 

Do I just pull everyone into my bullshit because I'm so scared of not having anyone? 

Fear of loss is one thing but when it is a detriment to others maybe I'm not a good person.

And when I don't get that company - I should probably be able to deal with it???

I am so fucking angry.

 I have bent over backwards to try and make you feel okay. I have spent hours of my life worrying over how things would make you feel, terrified that I would lose you.

It feels like you've beaten me with a stick I already apologised for to assuage your guilt - that's how it feels. And it's not fucking fair.

It seems to me that you are behaving like a hypocrite, and usually I can rise above that but I have poured hours of time, passion, care, pain, and tears into trying to make this work. But yet.

It's fine that you're fine - ultimately I have always wanted that for you. And just like every other fucking beating I have endured, I will eventually get through and past this. But fuck you for the pain it takes along the way.

I really didn't want it to be like this. I tried so fucking hard. What was the fucking point‽‽

I have experienced grief twice this week

 And neither of them have I felt worthy of it.

In fact, I never have.

I lost someone I used to call a good friend. I still remember listening to Arcade Fire (as I finally found out years later, the song Creature Comforts) on vinyl when I finally started feeling like I was building a home and a community back in Chorlton. Spending time with Jo and Flat cap Dan and Harpo in that flat and feeling really cultured and grown up drinking wine and talking about literature.

That was probably about 8 years ago. I always loved the person and the world that Jo brought me into and made me feel a part of. He welcomed everyone, but I felt especially special when we talked (but he had a wonderful way of making a lot of people feel that way, as it turns out - one of his best character traits).

I feel bad that I hadn't been there when he was struggling, especially when his meds made him so glassy eyed. I just assumed, as we tend to, that we would see the other side and look back. 

The Chorlton adventure for his birthday is one of my favourite memories, and in part because he didn't reveal it to us until then end and then said how loved he felt.

The second grief I feel I am just a spectator. I am a part of it as support, and yet I am more thrown in the middle of it. It was so lovely and reassuring to know the feeling and stories I have of Steve are the ones that so many others have. He was immediately caring and fun and wonderful. I felt to seen by him in a lovely way, and it sounds like he was able to make so many other people feel such a similar support and security.

But two sudden deaths in one week will take its toll. I can feel some kind of productivity with Jo - trying to help a tribute night with Henry, or just putting some flowers out, or talking about him to keep his essence in our minds. The other I am here as someone that has that bit more ability to help those I love - and the dealing with a lovely person I knew not being around will come later.

I don't think I've ever worked out grief. When my grandparents have died I felt a fraud because it was my parents that were hurting more, their siblings, and their friends. When it was Natasha or Sean I hadn't really spoken to them as much, but I'd passively kept in touch via social media. I don't know if I'm doing grief wrong (even though the cliche tells me that's okay - hard to believe it). 

I feel very numb. And I don't really know much else. Actually, I'm not sure if it's numb or if I'm feeling so much I can't understand any of it. I am not sure what the right way to deal is, but I don't know how to figure that out, let alone get there. 

Fucking hell.

I thought I was better

 Am I just being self indulgent?

Is it just because I'm not sober?

Am I destined to do this back and forth forever?

Why don't I know moderation?

Was my previous self contemplation a symptom of me being in a better place,with the freedom to even consider it?

Does this make me ignorant 

I have to face the music

 I need to set my barriers but I also need to face the thing. 

I don't think good will come of it but avoiding it isn't helping.

This is exhausting.

I just want to know how to survive it.

I am no longer the person I want to be

 I feel a fraud. what's ridiculous is I am making less compromises than I ever have!

I am listening to myself on an instinctual level more than any time before in my life.

I am not being ruled by people pleasing. Just like I was told.

And low and behold - I'm not liked. I don't have inherent vale, and I can't keep acting like I do.

I think I need to start writing stuff down again

 I've been having a really hard time lately.

A friend suggested I try and write it down. I feel so irrelevant right now. I've had a fantastic weekend but what does that matter.  It's gone, I am gone.

I cant fucking think with the volume of this laptop which I didn't want, that Sam decided I needed for no reason apart from I am supposed to. He wants me to want it.

I am a disappointment, I will not ever be worth it.

I didn't even want this 

Why can't I make anyone happy 

I fail even when I try my hardest.

I am doing my best

I'm sorry it's not good enough.

It's been a really fucking hard several months

I've just had so much. My dad has been pulled to hospital for emergency surgery twice in 6 months, I've been spiralling back to a dark place, and I feel like I've lost everyone. 

I just miss sleep.

And my self respect.

And feeling any level of control on my life.

Trying to pull the things back that I can is proving harder than I thought. I'm not sure now much longer I can do this with any level of strength.

The stupid peripheral things have been getting me down, I'm feeling lower than I have in years. But it puts it all in perspective now.

Fuck this shit.

The important things are what matter. Focus.

I don't know if I trust you.

Of course I'm going to be paranoid. This has all happened pretty quickly.

I tried so hard not to get attached but somehow my subconscious went ahead and did it anyway.

Why?!

It seems so legitimate on the surface but especially with the distance it's hard to know what to trust. And there's still that voice in the back of my head telling me it's all a trick to make me look like an idiot.

And if it is for real, then what? I told myself I wouldn't go back to that situation again, it's just too difficult and too painful. It's not fair. And apparently me telling you as such has put a nail in the coffin anyway.

But then again it would be a shame to let it all go when it's only just started. There's so much potential.

And then I go right back round to thinking it's a trick.

It probably won't last long anyway. I should just get on with my life and wait for this to stop being an issue as per usual.

There's so much and not much at the same time.

I've been dealing with your shit for so long that I think I've actually given up. Do what the fuck would want and my greatest achievement is not letting you pull me down, really. I'm done with caring for you so much that it brings me down.

I'm going back to obscurity. I know I'll hate it, but I can't fight it too hard because I haven't actually had time to myself in a couple of years now. I hate myself, but I do miss just doing nothing,

I need rest, I've been needing it for at least the last year. This new lifestyle I live is exhausting, and no one can deny it. I absolutely love what it's given me, but I need to somehow find moderation.

I need to keep going on. That's the most important thing.

I make terrible decisions and I have terrible judgement, but I can always survive if I put my mind to it. I need to remember that.

And I need to learn moderation. Someday.

I'm trying to help you

I've been trying to stop you from getting sucked in for years, but you keep delving deeper.

I'm worried there's nothing now I can do to help you. Nothing I say makes a difference to you anymore You never listen. Soon enough I'll be even further away and even less relatable to you. I just don't want you to go to a dark and unhealthy place, because it's not who you really are. It's what everything around you has made you.

Why do you think you need these things? Why do you think they'll make you happier? The grass is always greener. And even if you got those things you'll still find a greener field up ahead. This is how the system works.

I just really really hoped you wouldn't buy into it so wholly. It's a river of misery, and the only way not to get carried away by greed and consumerism and 'not being good enough' is to stay out of the stream. But you dipped your toes in years ago and you've been slowly climbing in since.

Please, just don't drown.

I am stronger than this.

I've been feeling so strange lately. I don't really know where I'm at right now anyway, I didn't think I was in trouble until I came back.

I knew there was definitely an issue, but I really think this time has given me the strength to tackle it...

But I'm also hating myself and feeling shit about everything right now to do with me. I  just fuck shit up. That's myself included. I don't think things through; and that's fine, as long as I cam deal with the fall out, but I can't right now. I am too weak.

I'm trying my hardest to be my strongest self; the one that is always helpful and doesn't give a shit about anything. But it's wearing thin for me here.

I know I can do this back there, but I don't want to wish my time here away, I want to enjoy myself and make the most of my time off. But I do also want to get right out of here so I can be back where I have the support I need for anything that can hit me.

I'm not feeling the most useful right now, and I'm just fucking useless. But I miss people being with me whilst I fuck up.

You guys are the best people I've ever known. I don't know how I've come to need/rely on/love you guys so much. But I already am finding it hard without you. Thank you, for absolutely everything.

I think I needed some time alone without realising it.

I've spent so much of my life busy and out and about and with other people that I think I momentarily forgot how to be with myself. I've spent such a majority of my time lately with people who I get on with and care about me; I got lonely fast.

This bit of time is good, it reminds me of who I am and doesn't let me get sucked into all the bullshit. I know what I want and I know what makes me happy. Funnily enough, it's this. I've been on a steady path of losing that since this summer. But I can remember it. Be stronger again.

I like my own company. I like time by myself. I like to enjoy things on my own. I don't need company every second of the day. It tires me.

Now hopefully I can cut out this bullshit making everything far more complicated than it needs to be. I am me. I am exceptionally happy right now. I have a whole group of amazing people in both places I live that not only enjoy my company but seem to genuinely care for me. I appreciate that so much. It's something at one point in my life I really never thought I'd have. This is all I have ever wanted.

That other crap just happened because I got sucked into what other people were doing and wanted and what made them happy. I do not need to overcomplicate anything.

I am self fucking dependent if I need to be. I can take care of myself. I do not NEED them but I can appreciate them with everything I have whilst they're here. I need to remember that.

I also need to remember what this feels like to get me through whatever happens after this is over.

People can fuck you up without you knowing it.

So recently I encountered someone from my past that I can't say I remember positively. But it's been about 6 years now, and I've put everything that happened behind me. Or so I thought.

For some reason he kept wanting to bring up the past and what had happened, I think to make himself feel better. He kept saying how sorry he was and how he wishes he'd handled the situation better. Maybe he just wanted me to say it was okay and that I was better for it, but I didn't. I agreed with him; it was shitty. But I had put it far behind me and moved on with my life. I didn't want to revisit old shit, it was done. What good did it do bringing old wounds back?

The more he pushed and kept talking about it the more the old feelings came back. I was getting angrier and angrier at him for what had happened. I felt like I was 16 all over again, hurt by the actions of this petty boy. In the end he finally dropped it, and conversation moved on. Or, more accurately, I just went and talked to someone else.

But since that night it's gotten me thinking. What happened between the two of us was ridiculous, barely a thing at all. He kept referring to it as a 'relationship' which, quite frankly, is completely ridiculous. He would walk me home and we would chat for hours. I do that with my best friends. But he insisted that night that was what we had. And that's what started my mind thinking; is he the reason I'm fucked up in that department?

I was young and inexperienced. I had no experience at all with boys and charm and certainly had never gotten attention from guys in that way before. It was novel and it felt good, so I fell for it. Maybe at the time I did think it was a relationship. But then all the shit happened and I ended up hurt. And mad at myself for being naive and gullible. Old friends had already given me trust issues when it came to getting close to people, I was usually so well guarded. But no, I had let this guy in and I had ended up unhappy.

And so it began. My foray into 'relationships' and partners and all of it. A few months later I found myself in my first proper relationship, with a guy that certainly wasn't intelligent enough to try and screw me over. And for 8 months I really was happy. But it took me at least 4 of those months to let him or anyone else use that word. Relationship. Even using it now in an abstract context makes me feel uncomfortable.

I can't say that ended well either, but somehow for the complete opposite reason. This time it was him that got in too deep. There was a lot of other shit that went with that, but that's a different story. The fact is that this was my second attempt at being with a guy and this time had not ended well either.

It wasn't long until I found myself in an arrangement with another guy. This time, casual. That was definitely the only way I felt comfortable anymore. After the situation previously, I certainly didn't want that connection. The word 'relationship' was taboo the entire time we were together, even when it turned from friends with benefits to what everyone else would use that word for. The term makes me want to jump up and run away and never speak to the other person again. That didn't end well either.

So now here I am. After all that I stayed away from any of that for almost 2 years. Certainly not looking for anything, and with nothing really falling into my lap in that respect (figuratively and literally). I certainly don't want a relationship, I'm still completely repulsed by the word.

And here's the thing I've been thinking. Was it his fault that I can't handle closeness with someone romantically? I know that I don't ever tend to let people I'm with in that way. I make sure I'm always the one with the control. The one who cares less is always the one with the control. So I make sure that's who I am. With my first relationship it was because I made sure to convince myself it was going to end at a certain date, so after that I could pull myself away. I was the one there that was least involved by the time it was over. Even at the beginning, he was the one to push for it to become a 'thing'. And the second, I made sure everything was on my terms. Again, he was the one asking for us to become 'exclusive'. Everything, including our friendship, fell apart because he said he always felt like he was more into than I was. In the few casual scenarios I've had since, I've made sure not to let on how much I may or may not like the guy. Make it all about the temporary gratification. I have very little patience with them, and it tends to be very easy for me to just drop them from my life if necessary. I certainly don't rely on them for anything.

I was recently told by a guy that liked me that he was fed up of everything being on my terms. He was sick of me seeming like I didn't care and him seeming "like a nuisance". This is a pattern I've been carrying out since 6 years ago. I always considered maybe it was because I just really didn't care that much. I was picky with guys and very good at moving on. I was getting with guys that just didn't understand me, so there was no connection. But I wonder now if this is just a defence mechanism. An automatic response to make sure that I don't get hurt again. Don't leave myself vulnerable. Always be in control. Be distant.

I know it's getting worse. I'm far more guarded now than I ever was before.

And it's only romantically that I'm like that. With friendships I'm clingy as fuck. I definitely have none of the power there. I definitely leave myself open to - and more often end up - getting hurt.

Maybe it's also the reason I don't let myself have feelings for people, either. As soon as I feel like I'm getting attached to someone I try and project it onto someone else that I don't think about that way. Get rid of the feelings, quick, before they manifest. Stay protected.

But back to the point. I've been spending a lot of time by myself this past week, so I've been perhaps overthinking this all a little. But whether he is wholly responsible - which seems unlikely - or just that first switch that got flicked, I think it's safe to say he fucked me up somehow. And I didn't even realise it was him.

Oh dear.

I definitely got myself in far too deep this summer. I find myself staring at pictures of him, even if he's just in the corner of them. I have no idea how he feels about it - whether now I'm gone he's going to move on to someone else or actually stick with what he's in. It was so nice being together so much this summer but it really seems like it did more harm than good. For me, at least. Especially since once we didn't have to see each other so much we didn't.

He did come out for my last night even when he said he might not. I have a tiny feeling he made himself available on purpose, based on past experience. But then again maybe not.

Ugh it's so ridiculous that he's still on my mind after I got with other people and now have moved away. I think I just need to actually move on. Time will help, too.

(Just got to try and find myself someone now I'm here! Not sure how since I'm pretty sure just meeting in a club isn't the perfect set up and I won't be working here, but I'm sure something will come up. Need to go out more to meet people, obviously.)

I know what I shouldn't be doing.

The problem here is that I know exactly what I should do in this situation, I'm just consciously choosing not to do it. I'm deciding, with full knowledge of the consequences, to make the wrong decision. To do the wrong thing.

I am usually so good with self control, but this time I'm just doing the easy thing. I'm doing the thing that makes me feel less lonely and more comfortable, even though I realise it will probably leave me more alone in the end.

I think a large part of it may be because this is the first thing like this to happen in a very long time. Years. So yes, I am getting carried away as if it is the first time. I know I'm going to end up hurt, like every other time. Except this time is worse because I will end up with other people hurt too.

Why can't I just stop myself? Why can't I do the right thing, as I have forced myself to do in the past, and move on with my life? It's self-sabotage in one of the worst ways.

Why is no one stopping me?!

I hate myself

And I don't know why I expected anything different from anyone else. I am worth nothing to everyone universally and I don't know why I didn't understand that until now.

I need to stop forming attachments so easily.

I also need to stop finding people annoying as easily.

I've somehow managed to land myself a decent sized friendship group from my first day here, yet two of them I can't stand and one of them I can put up with a little too much.

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just be light and easy, not get so close to people I've only known a week and also not let them get under my skin?!

Figures it'd be the English guy that would piss me off the most though. Hah.

Hopefully when lectures start I'll manage a new group of people. And hopefully I'll keep reasonably close to those I'd like to. Without encouraging my mind's imagination.

I also need to try and actually get enthusiastic about sports. Eurgh.

I guess I've moved forward again.

I haven't found myself attractive at all over the past 9 months in the slightest. Probably over.

It's been a point of my life where I do what I want, when I want to. There is no way I have to tell anyone or ask for allowance for any of that!

But since I've started feeling differently (maybe 2 weeks or so) about everything, I guess that was included.
All I know is that I've looked at myself for the past two days and it makes me glad I don't have a mirror in our room. I've looked terrible.