Friday, 27 April 2012

Knitting.

It really helps, amazingly.

It gives me something to fiddle with, and takes my mind off stuff.

And it even hurts a tiny bit.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

I really hope it's not me.

I don't want my own bad actions to cause you to have relapsed too.

I don't want to have triggered you back to this :(

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

I haven't relapsed in nearly 2 weeks now.

I'm so proud of myself in a way. I know you would be.

But I do still want to; maybe that'll never go away. And I could easily start again, but I really do miss being able to be carefree with certain aspects of my life. And I could always start again somewhere else, but it only ever seems right in the one place.

But for now, I'm going to keep myself reigned in. This is good for me; isn't it?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

We're not in a relationship.

The concept of that still chills me a little. Although less than before. But that's only to be expected.

I don't know exactly what the difference is apart from the label and other people knowing, but I'm much happier with it this way.

I know I was told to stay away from any relationshippy stuff to stop this becoming more that way, but I think I've kind of ignored that advice and jumped in pretty quickly, to be honest.

And for once it really doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach at the concept that maybe one day we'll be able to make it simple and give it a label.

But right now? We're unnamed and just going with the flow of this.

There is one, I guess, very good thing that's coming out of this so far.

I haven't indulged in my nasty habit since it happened.

I'm fairly sure it's mainly because you seem to have been always here, and when you leave I'm just so damn exhausted that I don't really feel like being awake long enough. But it could also be, I guess, that this is finally something that's making me happy enough to not feel reliant on it.

Who knows.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this

It's really strange how things have ended up, isn't it?

Just a couple of posts ago I was ranting about how neither of us really wanted this dynamic - well, especially you - and how I just needed to release my frustration on someone else. And now look.

It's hard to even believe this has happened. I mean, me and you? It always seemed like an impossibility. A concept that would never need to be thought of. And it's all happened so fast. This time last week there had only been a tiny shift in our friendship, but that wasn't indicative at all of this. I mean, my actions on Tuesday clearly revealed my own things going on, but I genuinely would never have guessed where you were at. I guess those charged moments weren't in my imagination after all...

I can't help but feel a little doubt here though. And I'll probably end up talking about it at some point soon. This just seems to have worked out too smoothly. I have this tiny niggling feeling that you kind of just wanted to fill your dry spell. After all, it is you that keeps mentioning that I started it. And even though at the time I was absolutely convinced you were beating around the same bush at the time, I can't help but worry I got the wrong idea. I guess you could argue that maybe it was a good thing, because if what you told me is true then we were both kind of convinced there was no possibility of anything further and it was really just a case of someone making the first move. I'm starting to think mine should have been asking you. Then it can't all come back and bite me. And I'd be sure you weren't just saying it because I was there and easily available, clearly. But then again, you did say you were willing to wait for me. And that's not really something you'd say if I was just easily available, right? But then again, who else is there around? A little is better than a lot, right?  But maybe I'm just being cynical and comparing you to last time too much. I know you're not the same person and I know you don't have the same reputation in this kind of thing... Ugh I need to straighten this out for my own sanity. I don't want to end up in a similar situation to last time. My solution will probably be asking you, not going to lie, but maybe that's not a bad thing. I'll wait until we're both drunk though. And hope I remember your answer. And hope you don't lie to me.

I don't think I'd be going into this so much though, if my instincts weren't telling me you were telling the truth. Maybe my mind is clouded or my judgement is biased because I want to believe the best in you but I feel like my instincts have been quite good in the past. And this feels so comfortable. I think it helps that we've been so close before this. We've had, what, at least 4 months of a fairly close friendship before any of this? So maybe that's why this feels so smooth, so easy, so natural.

It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's me and you. You! The same person I've been trying to fight any kind of feelings for for quite a while, whilst viciously denying anything to everyone else and equally trying to dissuade any of your own ideas at the same time. The same person I swore I'd never want to get into anything like this with.

I think the ease of this frightens me a little. Before, it was actually a little nerve-racking. Now? It's simple. I actually want it. Maybe it's because of this damn sexual frustration and my teenage hormones, maybe it's because this is something I've actually been wanting to do for a while, maybe it's simply because I've had more practice, maybe it's because I have less doubts about you, and maybe it's because I've had more time to get to know you and be comfortable around you and can do this on my terms. Maybe it's a combination of all of them.

I also worry that this is going to actually turn serious at some point. It's kind of likely, given the way even this crept up on us from a little friendship a few months ago. Neither of us could have imagined we'd end up at this point. So maybe neither of us will imagine anything further, but it might happen. You're so much more experienced than me and I worry that I'm already doing things wrong, or differently to how you've come to like them. I know you took some getting used to for me... And the rest of it. It terrifies me. I hope you understand that our first leap is nowhere near as slow as the rest are going to be. Just the thought of any of that makes me want to end this whole thing now.


I'm starting to see you in a different light to before, though. Maybe it's because we've spent a ridiculous amount of time together lately. 3 days' drinking together and a full day today? And another in a couple of days? Maybe once I go back to college and we have a bit of a break from each other I'll start to see you with those rose-tinted glasses again a little more...


I guess I shouldn't be stressing about how any of this seems 'too easy to be true', but of course I am. It's what I do. So long as I remain suspicious, I'm less likely to get hurt, right?



This has been an incoherent jumble of probably repetitive thoughts on this whole situation. And a lot of the word 'maybe'.

This is weird.

It's weird how normal this feels.

When you said nothing needed to change, I didn't realise how right you actually were. This really feels normal. Like the natural progression. It's like there's only one thing we're doing differently to before and, let's be honest, I don't think even that was far off the way we were going. It's just so... I don't even know.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod...

I did something very stupid. VERY stupid.

Everyone was talking about sexual frustration so it was in my mind and I wanted to get it out but not with newface so...

UGH THIS IS VERY BAD I WOULD LIKE IT TO GO AWAY PLEASE.