Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Oh dear.

I definitely got myself in far too deep this summer. I find myself staring at pictures of him, even if he's just in the corner of them. I have no idea how he feels about it - whether now I'm gone he's going to move on to someone else or actually stick with what he's in. It was so nice being together so much this summer but it really seems like it did more harm than good. For me, at least. Especially since once we didn't have to see each other so much we didn't.

He did come out for my last night even when he said he might not. I have a tiny feeling he made himself available on purpose, based on past experience. But then again maybe not.

Ugh it's so ridiculous that he's still on my mind after I got with other people and now have moved away. I think I just need to actually move on. Time will help, too.

(Just got to try and find myself someone now I'm here! Not sure how since I'm pretty sure just meeting in a club isn't the perfect set up and I won't be working here, but I'm sure something will come up. Need to go out more to meet people, obviously.)

Sunday, 26 July 2015

I know what I shouldn't be doing.

The problem here is that I know exactly what I should do in this situation, I'm just consciously choosing not to do it. I'm deciding, with full knowledge of the consequences, to make the wrong decision. To do the wrong thing.

I am usually so good with self control, but this time I'm just doing the easy thing. I'm doing the thing that makes me feel less lonely and more comfortable, even though I realise it will probably leave me more alone in the end.

I think a large part of it may be because this is the first thing like this to happen in a very long time. Years. So yes, I am getting carried away as if it is the first time. I know I'm going to end up hurt, like every other time. Except this time is worse because I will end up with other people hurt too.

Why can't I just stop myself? Why can't I do the right thing, as I have forced myself to do in the past, and move on with my life? It's self-sabotage in one of the worst ways.

Why is no one stopping me?!

Saturday, 31 January 2015

I hate myself

And I don't know why I expected anything different from anyone else. I am worth nothing to everyone universally and I don't know why I didn't understand that until now.