Wednesday, 28 March 2012

I relapsed.

I don't know if I can technically call it that if I'm not really trying to stop, though.
I know you all want me to, but I don't.
I like the way it is and I like the mark it leaves behind.

And it was a really shitty day up to a point.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Well shit.

That was an, err, interesting dream. I think I've spent so long barely sleeping, my subconscious was just so happy to get a look in it didn't even try to be subtle.
I know these things are on my mind, but I'm fairly sure I've been trying to avoid them.

I mean, for one the idiotface part. I'm actually really proud of myself for that one. I was strong and I kept my own dignity. I think this one comes from that time I saw him without expecting it. It actually shocked me so much. But maybe it means I'm finally ready to leave it behind me. I eschewed him and whatnot, no wavering. I didn't run screaming either, so maybe this really is every part of my mind standing up to the whole thing and telling it to fuck off like I did him.
Or maybe it was just because newface was there, making me feel more comfortable and able to say no. But more on that in a minute.

Having two friends there who genuinely were caring about me was a nice feeling. And it really is the truth, they want to be there for me through this whole business. But I also know that it was background noise to stupid newface who's taking all my positive attention. It makes me feel petty and fickle, it really does. I have these two people here who want to help me and be there for me and all of that, and I'm just tuning it out when this shiny new kid on the block comes round. I need to accept that they're selflessly caring about how I am and I need to appreciate it more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it a lot, but it seems to be taking a back seat when it shouldn't. I've known them longer than newface and they definitely care about me more. I need to deal with this.

And then for newface. I have to say I'm not surprised, at all. I've been feeling the urge to do that since at least Saturday and it's been preying on my mind. God knows why though. I think it's at the point again where he's become this generic voice without a name. Not even voice, because lord knows his would definitely give him an identity... He's this person somewhere that's been here for me since he found out and has opened up to me a little, or at least it feels like it. He could just be saying things, of course. But either way he's making me feel like he's genuinely caring for me and about me and that's bound to lower my guard a little. But then again, the want was still there when he was right in front of me so maybe that's not what it is.
I don't think it's so much of him in particular. I think I just want some affection from someone and he's just the closest one to that point right now. But I need to stop projecting this. Quite frankly, I need to get this out of my system before it makes what's happening right now worse or more substantial. Of course, it would help if there were other options.
I think his reaction is also what I'd expect. He doesn't see me that way. Hell, I didn't until this started happening. Those stupid charged moments. Then again, I'm probably imagining the charge. Ugh.

The moral of the story?
Be glad I think I'm done with stupidface and punch him if I see him again.
Accept the help and love of the two people who are probably trying to help me the most.
Be careful with newface because neither of us want another dynamic to this. Find someone to replace him in this god-damn dream, even if they're faceless/nameless.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Sometimes I feel like this is a hospital visit.

Like you come to visit me every day in my bed and treat me like an invalid.

I really don't need special treatment because of this.

I mean, I'd like it if you wanted to talk to me so much because you just did, but I can help but wonder if this is pity talk.

I don't want or need your pity so if that's what it is, I'd like you to stop and treat me how you used to again.

I'm not supposed to be telling you this.

This is what this is here for. To stop me from blurting this shit out to you. You, of all people!
I don't even really know where we stand!

This is exactly what she's telling me to be careful of. Getting too close. Opening myself up to you is only going to make that happen. Don't make me do it. Especially not like this.

I need to pull myself together and stop this because it's only going to damage our friendship.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

One a day.

My new aim. Get something out every day that I've wanted to say.

Today? I have two. They're kind of interlinked.

On a serious note, I haven't regressed since Saturday. Maybe it's because the last one was so big and obvious, or maybe it's because it's actually helping. The urges have been more fleeting, less long lasting. I don't know why exactly it is, but I have a terrible feeling I know. And it shouldn't be.
Well, it's not that bad. But it does not bode well for me. I need to be careful and whatnot.

But I can't base 'recovery' on you being here for me. Because right now it feels wonderful, not only that you care but how close it feels like we're getting. But if/when you lose interest again, I might go right back to where I was. No, I'll be worse.
Ugh I really don't want to be reliant on you. But I don't know why you're having such an influence on this when two people I'm fairly sure are far less likely to leave me didn't seem to quite be making a difference. Well, clearly not hence Saturday.

And you're being so out of character these past few days. In a good way, for me. But I'm not quite sure where this is leading. I wish I had a view into your head. You're so inward with what you're thinking, it's hard to know... I've been getting a few snippets these past few days and it's really nice, but what do I take from them? And how long will they last?

But for now, you're helping. And whilst I don't really want to stop, I know I should. So I should appreciate what you're doing for me whilst it's for the best, and deal with the consequences when they happen.

Wow, I haven't posted here for a while.

I think it was a little hard to come on here, given that at present it reads the failing of a relationship that kind of messed me up a little.
It's also hard to follow that kind of pathetic rambling with anything that feels real or serious.

But these personal posts are good for me. I like to read through them.
And right now I think I need to do some soul searching and writing down my thoughts is probably the easiest way to do that.

So here goes nothing. Part 2.

Here's hoping it's not a trainwreck like the last chapter.