Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Something was really different today.

And by different I mean just like the old days. Back when we'd talk for ages and still have things to say. I even got excited to be talking to you again.

I don't know if this means anything. I don't know if we've both decided to cling to 'us' with even more zeal because we're both having to face the fact that soon it might be over and we're trying to change the others' mind. I don't know if it's because you've finally gotten over yourself - well, for now.

Maybe it's you feeling guilty and trying to make it up to me.

I don't know why it is.

All I know is that I'm feeling like I did back then and whilst it's not necessarily a bad thing, I'm not sure it's a good thing either. It's confusing me. I don't think this can change how far apart we've gotten and how I felt absolutely nothing for you...

However, it's making me feel happier right now and I guess that's the most important part.

Monday, 26 November 2012

It's hard to try and kid myself I'm fine

When I constantly get slapped in the face with all the reasons why I'm not. Every single day.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

I don't know why I feel so weird about this

I mean clearly we're in a different situation to what I thought we were in, and it's thrown me off guard. Because I was coming round to the idea of not ending everything completely. And now it seems like it will, because that's how you're feeling too.

I don't know why this makes me feel so much worse. I guess it's because that one dreg of comfort I was clinging on to has been torn out from me, because clearly you don't think I'm worth it anymore; you like the idea of other people, so I'm not in your mind. Which means I'm not really what you want either.

Why the hell am I finding that so difficult to deal with?! Yes, it's a shock. But this should be a relief! This should make me feel better because it makes this so much easier

But it feels like a slap in the face. Because that one person I thought wanted to hold on to me doesn't particularly.

Who's left?

Friday, 16 November 2012


Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

I could really do it right now.

What the FUCK do you think is going on here?! Do you really understand HOW LONG you've been doing this?! Do you really think this is a result of other people being selfish? REALLY?!

It actually sickens me. Like, genuinely. Even more so that you're trying to convince other people of it too. What the fuck?

It's so unacceptable it's untrue.

If this is genuinely how you see the situation then you are seriously fucking deluded.

That you even have the NERVE to start complaining about people not dropping the littlest thing to come and sit with you whilst you complain about absolutely nothing? It's ridiculous!

And then what's worse is when people call you out on it you STILL don't see it! How does that even work?!

You assume everyone else is doing as little as you. You think everyone just sits around doing nothing all day so why WOULDN'T they be able to come see you at the drop of a hat and do whatever you want them to do? Why WOULDN'T they want to spend time helping you through your stupid pointless non-issues? Why WOULDN'T you be the person they'd want to see most of all?

You're so self centred and selfish it's insane. How is it possible someone can think so much of themself and yet STILL not get it?! It's beyond comprehension to me, it really is.

So what, after 2 months of this bullshit people finally got fed up and started ignoring you and you're getting pissed off about it? You got a fucking 2 month allowance! That's more than most people get! And you're still not happy!

You had two weeks of her dropping everything for you and you still weren't satisfied. It's no fucking surprise that she's stopped! Hell, I gave up after a few days; I admire her patience!

Do you really think you're a bearable person to be around when you're acting like this? Do you really think you're someone that people consider good company?

It's hilarious to think that all last weekend when you were putting on your stupid display, everyone was just laughing at you. I wonder how you'd feel if you realised that this has just become a joke to all these people you know.


If you genuinely have something to whine about; deal with it by yourself like everyone else does. If someone offers advice without you asking; accept it. But NEVER expect it. Never. It's the number one fucking rule of life.

But you don't. In a very brilliant quote you're "bitching and moaning about nothing". And it's true. Like he said; if there was something really up, you wouldn't make excuses. You wouldn't put on this charade. You'd get the fuck on with life because you'd realise that's what you do.

It just baffles me that you're still sat there expecting these people that you have abused the patience of to find an unlimited supply more of it for you. For them to keep waiting on you hand and foot until you get bored of this palaver. People don't work that way! You can't use people that way!

And the way you said "Oh I drop everything for my friends but I guess that's not how it works"
You've never had to drop everything for a friend for TWO FUCKING MONTHS STRAIGHT have you?! People have their own LIVES to lead! You got a massive chunk of their fucking time; they probably paid you back way more than you ever gave them because you're fucking useless at helping when someone's feeling shit anyway.

I just can't deal with you and your ignorance and your selfishness.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

It's really quite amazing

When you realise exactly how many teenagers self harm.

I don't know if it just happens to be the people I know; but a high majority of them do or have done it before.

And it's strange because it's talked about as this thing that only the small percentage of people turn to...

Perhaps it's the way society teaches us to think of it; a lot of the time I do believe people use it as some way to get attention

And whilst I hold attention seekers with nothing but contempt, I guess you can't ignore what they're doing for it.

It's sort of an internal dilemma of mine whether to give those such people the time of day when I know the real damage that causes it as a coping mechanism more than anything else. In that perspective it kind of disgusts me.

But then again the only reason you'd have to think of them needing help for it is if you think it's an altogether terrible thing; which I can't quite do right now.

It's a way of coping; same as so many other things like smoking or comfort eating. And if someone is choosing to do it for another reason aren't they kind of making fun of it as a way of coping? Aren't they trying to mock it, in a way?

Or maybe it's just manipulation of people's sympathies.

I dunno, this hasn't really made much sense.

I guess both self harm and attention seekers are on my mind at the moment.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

It's been a day of guilty pleasures

And I regret nothing.

I don't think you realise

I've worked out how to work on your ego :P

I talk myself down whilst talking you up.

It's a win-win situation.


Wednesday, 7 November 2012

My brain won't shut off

So here comes the brain dump.

I know I said I wasn't going to talk to you from now on - I was going to move on and let you forget all about how embarrassing I was being - but I kind of feel like I need to justify it.

But this only comes with the assumption that if I justify it, you'll actually give some form of a shit about me...

I know I don't like leaving things messy; it makes it harder to move on from and more likely to reoccur. God knows the last thing I left messy even today comes back to bite me every so often. The open books are the most painful, for sure.

So surely explaining myself is my way of closing this book? I can say my piece and leave the ball in your court. Then again, I'd kind of like it in mine. Makes me seem more nonchalant surely?

Then again, who am I kidding? It's not been in my court for a very long time; if at all.

It could either be a very big mistake or the closure I need to move on and start rebuilding myself.

I just can't quite work out which one.

I don't even know why it's bugging me so much - why the hell do I care what you think?! Surely it's can't just be because you're a ridiculously good kisser (which I'm sad to say I will miss :( ) but I just can't think of anything else; not the way you've been treating me.

It's funny because even a really good friend of yours couldn't believe you've been acting the way you have - even he wouldn't believe it! I guess you told him more now though, cause he's never gotten back in touch with me. Well, he was nice enough to try and help I guess. Even if his attempt just led me into more trouble.

If last weekend hadn't happened, we'd be fine. I mean, not out in the open, but I wouldn't be constantly embarrassed whenever I think of you or my own actions. But then again I feel bad blaming him - even though he forced it to happen - because he really was trying to help.

Ugh I don't even know what's been getting into me. It's all well and good to say hormones, and maybe it is since it would make sense them wearing off now, but I think it was more the hard slap in the face that was my reality check this weekend. I realised exactly how worthless I've made myself here. I've lost that person that both I and the people around me seemed to actually like. I've lost whatever that edge I had was. That's why the interest has faded into this.

And I think I can sense it. I'm desperate to have some kind of attention so I scrabble around for whatever. Whatever I know they won't turn down. Because hey, that beats rejection right?

Or does it? Because haven't I just degraded myself more?

It was hard enough to face the reality that they were only prepared for one thing from me, but it's even harder when I realise it was under my own suggestion. It was all desperation in the spur of the moment. I guess the talks didn't go the way I expected so I struck out. I guess that's the biggest sign of how different I've become - old me would never have lowered herself to that for any reason.

I've degraded myself. I've gotten needy and out of my depth and I need to drag myself back up to that person I'd worked so hard to achieve and that person that kept me happy for months and months this year.

I don't know what to blame for the change. Maybe it's the lack of certain people in my life, maybe it's a response to all the change, maybe it's a reflection of the people around me, maybe it's because you and I have somehow lost ourselves. But at the end of the day it's happened. And it happened slowly enough that I couldn't stop it before it got too far. It's only really been these past few weeks when it got to the point where I genuinely have disgusted myself with my own behaviour. I'm better than this.

At least I used to be. And I can be again.

That's the thing. My issue with you is not really an issue with you, is it? It's a battle I have with myself. I need to sort myself out before I can be comfortable with whatever happens between me and other people.

I need to take a much needed and overdue step back and re-evaluate what's really that important. I need to go back to the well-controlled person I used to be that didn't just follow the scent of goddamn testosterone and was more ruled by her head. That person that people wanted to chase, not just have and leave because she was far too easy.

Because that's why this happened. I got too easy. I was really hard to get at first; that's why their interest was piqued in the first place. But then I realised the problems going on between us and for some reason that sent my hormones and brain haywire.

Maybe all this behaviour also stems from how uncertain we are right now. Maybe seeing you will help clarify in my mind what exactly I need to do. He wasn't wrong when he said it was unhealthy; two people clinging together for emotional support rather than any mutual attraction left. And as terrifying as that prospect is, I guess I have to sever that if I want to be a healthy independent person again. Because independent people don't need emotional crutches.

And I need to accept that it took years to form the bonds I made at home; and they were amazing people. I always acknowledged that kind of thing wasn't a common occurrence and I told myself never to take it for granted. But I did. Because, as I used to be able to accept, everyone is superfluous at the end of the day. Every person is selfish enough in them self that they don't really regard other people as that important in their life. Yes, okay, a friendship. But never a properly close one; those things are impossible to maintain and nigh impossible to create. And I need to remember how well I used to be able to deal with that and accept it about life and find comfort from other places. I should remember how I felt back when I had absolutely nobody; and act the way I did then.

At the end of the day, I need to go back to the independence I once had. Yeah, sure, I wasn't as carefree as I have been in my (perhaps false sense of) security, but I didn't ever lower myself to the level I feel I'm at right now. I never compromised my integrity. And that's why I didn't seem to exactly repel anyone. And that's what I need right now. As nice as it would be to feel attractive and cared for, the most I can hope for right now is to keep some form of dignity and self-assurance.

I need to find happiness and reassurance from myself and only myself. If other people contribute, sure that's fine, but never ever expect it. That's the rut I'm in right now and it's going to be hellish to drag myself out.

It's going to be hard to fix this, but I'll manage it eventually. I've been that person before; surely it can't be so hard to become her again?

And meanwhile I'll still ponder whether to clue you in on this. Whether to try and make you realise that it hasn't been the real me; at least not a me I can be happy with. Then again, you might just think it's an excuse. Or be incapable of giving out another first impression. I guess either way it's my own fault; if I hadn't have acted the way I did, would we be in a different situation right now?

It's weird because I kind of remember the point I decided to target you. I just had a long think and thought hey, maybe he'll not reject me. That's dangerous thinking. Tell me a year ago I'd be doing that and I'd be outraged. I refused to even kiss the guy I liked and that I knew liked me back (albeit temporarily) at that point! But I never targeted him, did I? He got me, and I drew him in with my personality. There was absolutely no enticing on my part in that respect. And it worked.

So why the hell did I leave that behind? I know it's harder and takes longer to build up anything in any respect in that way, but surely the past shows that it's stronger and it actually means something - let alone meaning I know the people I can talk to don't have such a low opinion of me.

Ugh I'm fairly sure you won't get into contact with me again now except by accident. And I think the best plan of action is to move on. Because trying to get in touch with you to tell you all this just makes me seem even more desperate; which is the very last thing I want to do.

I do need closure on this, but maybe I need to find another way. Maybe I'll just see you out one night and I'll be able to settle it all out then.

Then again, probably not.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Lol what is even my life

Seriously what has all this turned into?

It's all a big fucking mess.

The irony being that the person who first made me feel like the good times had ended is now pretty much the only person who can make me feel like there's any left.

I really don't know what to do.


fuck fuck fuck fuck

I really need you to be here right now

I'm sorry

But I really do.

I need you with me