Monday, 14 October 2013

It's funny because of all these murder mysteries I've been watching

I keep thinking you're using me for an alibi or just someone that's interested in me to use me to get to someone else... I'm imagining you're a suspect.
I don't know if it's that part of me that doesn't understand how you can be interested in me at all or that part that wants you to be using me for something more.
It's interesting but I think I may be looking into it too much because I feel like I should...

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

I should have kept a diary this summer.

I can't shake the feeling I've just wasted my time the past 4 months. I can barely even remember what I did in the blur of drinking and sleeping.

I also can't shake the feeling that it's all your fault I feel like it was a waste. How have you managed to get into my head enough to make me feel like I've been inadequate just because that's how you see it?! I enjoyed pretty much every minute of it. Surely that's all that matters.

Yes, that's what matters. But maybe I could have done with a few more photos.

Friday, 30 August 2013

I think I must have a jealousy issue big time.

That's why every time I see or hear that someone else is having a great time without me it just makes me feel angry and upset. And no it's not everyone that it applies to, but the people I'm closest with for sure.

Perhaps it's because I'm so used to being around when they're having a good time that it just makes me feel left out? Perhaps I have some subconscious self-importance that means I must always be the cause of someone's happiness.

It's certainly the case that I am usually happier with certain people around (excepting of course certain scenarios), and maybe it's the old insecurity of being more invested than someone else in a friendship. That they don't even care if I'm around or not.

The worst is the thought that they're used to it and I'm just superfluous in their life. I think that's my greatest fear with everyone I know and care about a lot. It's been there for so long as well, I'm not sure if I could get rid of it...

But every time I see a picture of one of these people out having a good time, or they mention how brilliant they are and the time they've been having has been or they simply won't stop using the pronoun 'we' about them and someone else, I can't help but feel my stomach sink through the floor and want to curl up into a ball. It sort of devastates me.

I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive about this. I guess it goes to show my dependence on certain people despite my constant striving for independence. Doing a pretty shitty job, aren't I?

But I guess in time I may get desensitised to it. Used to it enough that it just rolls off my back and doesn't have this effect. Hopefully.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

I try to convince myself and others that I'm not high-maintenance.

But it's really a lie; isn't it?

I remember being around the age of 9 or 10 and a cousin I'd never met before of my dad's walking me around my uncle's wedding telling me about the entire concept of high and low maintenance. At the time I was a whiny kid, so I don't really blame her for criticising me on that one, but after that it's been an important thing on my mind in terms of how I judge my own character.

I've tried to change myself a lot and I don't know exactly how much of it is ultimately for the better or just what I felt like at the time. A lot of the time I've failed. But I always know that the version of me I will always like the most is the one I perceive as low-maintenance. I even remember what period of my life it was, since it's been the one I've been trying to get back to for over a year at this point. That time, when I just didn't care about anything. I was emotionally numb and that was exactly the right thing for me at the time. I could just go through life without worrying about being hurt or any of it. And a consequence of that was being insular and self-sufficing. I didn't need anything really from anyone else because I could be content with whatever I had. I don't know how long for, but I imagine it will be my favourite version of myself for quite some time.

But since then I've been constantly struggling to maintain that part of me. It's definitely failed drastically. All I try and do is hold myself back but it's like a badly made dam; it's not going to hold back the current for very long. All too many times I feel myself expecting so much more from everyone around me; expecting an onslaught of attention that, let's be honest, I in no way deserve the likes of. It continues for a while and when I don't get what I want I become angry and grumbly and moany and try to take it out on both them and myself. Of course, what with my passive-aggressive way of dealing with things, it's rare the other person actually notices anything is awry so it just becomes a strange type of self-torture. It's not until I start questioning why I'm feeling so rubbish that I realise exactly what is going on. And I consequently hate myself more in response for not making sure the dam was working. Once I've realised what's going on, I make an even harder effort to hold it all back; rebuild the dam and hope this time it'll be stronger and last longer.

What I think I need to realise is, considering how long I've been struggling with this, perhaps it's a part of me that really doesn't want to go away or be changed. It's so persistent - the current doesn't get any weaker. Perhaps the point of it all is to learn that it's something about myself I have to always hate and not do anything about, because I can't. Even though I find it one of the biggest personality flaws, not only in myself but also in others. It's a quality that really annoys and frustrates me.

Maybe I will just have to accept this part of self-loathing forever. Because trying to change it has gotten me nowhere.

How much of mood is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

It's apparently proven that just forcing yourself to think happier thoughts can make you happier; so is it the same with all moods? If you convince yourself that you feel a certain way, to what extent would it actually work?

It seems like a silly question; how can you convince yourself to not care about something when you really do for instance? That's simply denial and usually comes back to haunt you and I have unfortunately learnt a few times... Although even when you're happy you can bring your mood down just by thinking of something else that's not such a pleasant idea.

So to what extent can you really switch your mood around? If you tell yourself you're unhappy, do you just become that way? Can you pick and choose the way that you feel it? Or do you end up sending yourself down a spiral once the damage is done?

The human race has a habit of wallowing; usually in self-pity. Usually a bad mood becomes perpetuated and worsened just by thinking about it. That's why most peoples' methods of getting out of them involve distracting their minds until it gets pushed aside again.

So maybe that's the only extent to which we can control our emotions; with distractions and overthinking. Although this means that we can only really impact ourselves in a negative way and in order to stop feeling so shit all the time the best plan is just to not bother thinking, really. I'm sure it's a well regarded thing that the ignorant are the happiest. Not as much thinking; of course.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

I have to give you another chance.

This decision has been driving me crazy for the past two weeks.

All I wanted to do after the anger and the upset wore off was to try and work this out. That's the only thing that made sense to me. But at the same time how on earth can I not follow my principles, after how much I put into them?! What credibility do I have if in a situation of my own, all that gets thrown out the window?

I guess the main reason I feel guilty for not wanting to stick by the principles I hold so tightly is that no one else will believe me after it. Everyone I know will look down on me and think of me as some kind of phoney. But why do I care so much what other people think of me?

It's not like I've not forgiven in worse circumstances. At least you apologised. Last time I didn't get anywhere near an apology. And I forgave thrice. Forgiveness always used to be both my weakness and my strength. 

But I'm definitely more strongly opinionated than I was then. And it wouldn't be a grudge, but a matter of principle and consequence, right? It's not like we'd never talk again, we just cut off the side of our friendship that caused the issue. Surely that's the healthiest thing to do. Cut out the bit that's gone wrong. Cut out the cancer before it spreads.

But then again she told me from experience that it can happen. That there should always be a second chance given. That it doesn't mean anything in them has changed except their frame of mind at the time it happened. Just frustration, she said. Surely everyone can get overcome by frustration and lash out at some point? 

So one more chance. I think that's what I have to do. But if it happens again, that's definitely it. I'm no idiot; I'm not going through it three times again. 

Of course all this is assuming you still want to bother. Which it doesn't actually feel like right now. I hope I'm wrong with that instinct. Because I always wanted to be the empowered one that ended this and if I talk about giving you another chance and you turn me down after all this worry; that's the most degrading thing I think could happen to me in this situation.

Maybe there is more to this than I thought.

After first dreaming wishing the incident hadn't happened and that I would forget it, I spend the next night dreaming about him hitting on me and kissing me. What the hell?!

Although I have to admit he also hit on her, too. So really I was thinking of him as the one with no discrimination rather than her. Which I guess is just my mind's way to stop being mad at her. Even though she hasn't exactly done anything to make me not want to believe a lot of it was her. She was straddling him for god's sake!

I guess it's going to take a little while for me to get over. I'm not sure if it was one more straw that broke the camel's back or just a really really heavy straw. It's something I don't think I'll really grasp for a while. Maybe denial, maybe it means opening doors I never thought I'd open and so I have to find them first.

There are a lot of metaphors here.

I think seeing them apart and neither of them talking about the other will be what I need. I can slowly just pack it away in that good old box of stuff I just don't think about. It's not like my no regrets thing because at the end of the day it's not my regret to have. Except maybe introducing them. I guess I'm going to have to work on not regretting that one.

I'll have to think of it in terms of how it's helped me. In any way. Although I don't think it can help me until I finally deal with how I feel about it. And I might put that one off for a while.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

I think the biggest thing I miss is the intimacy.

I just miss knowing you'll be there when I get back, or that you'll be round soon enough. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and seeing you there, whether you're turned away from me or not. I miss being able to cuddle, whenever at all. I miss knowing I'll have the company in most things I decide to do. 

I just miss having someone be close to me so much of the time.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

I'm just so sick of being superfluous in this house.

I can't be bothered trying not to anymore, but I can't keep pretending I don't care, either.

I guess it's a good thing this year is over.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

I'm am so done.

It's time I put my foot down and finally put an end to this. I'm done with being walked all over and I'm done with being ignored.
This is going to stop being anyone's decision but mine. I'm going to take control of this situation before I get even more carried away.

Time for my self-discipline to kick in and allow me to stop doing this; even if it is something I enjoy. Yeah sure, why not take whatever I can, but it's gotten too far. It's going to get me hurt.

And I'm the only one who stands to lose out in this scenario. I'm the one who this backfires for. Enough is enough.

At the end of the day I need to take care of myself here, because sure as hell nobody else is going to.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

I don't know why I ever stopped doing this.

It's the most amazing feeling. So satisfying.

I think all I need right now is a hug.

A really good, long tight one. One that makes you think someone's going to make everything okay. One that makes you feel like no matter how much you feel like you're falling apart, someone will hold the pieces together.

Because if someone doesn't hold me together soon I feel like I might just shatter.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

I guess I always get introspective when I've been by myself a lot.

It's been about 3 weeks since I've had any prolonged social interaction and a solid week since I had a conversation with anyone at all. That'll do it.

I realise I'm in that stage where I'm hating who I am again. I feel like all the self-change and trying to improve myself I've been doing for the past 3 years is completely unravelling. I'm not the me that was carefree and so sure of her own philosophies anymore. I've somehow managed to bring back all those stupid little regrets I managed to stop caring about before. I'm losing my conviction in myself.

Maybe it's because I've not been talking to the one person who was with me the whole time whilst I came to all these conclusions. Maybe it's simply because I'm getting all caught up in stuff. Maybe this is the me I'll always be and any time I change that is just temporary. Who's to say.

But I do know I hate it. I wish I could just be one of those people who could be happy with who they are but unfortunately I'm not. The only time I remember genuinely thinking I was who I wanted to be was a year ago when I was with him. And I have no idea how; since thinking about it now I'd imagine I'd be constantly annoyed and frustrated.

I also can't help but keep thinking this whole thing is stupid and I need to finally get the guts to end it. I never understood why or how it even got this far; how you could even like me a little bit. And then recently I started getting complacent about it. I'd spent so long trying to drill it into my head so I didn't let insecurity ruin whatever it was that was going on that I'd finally gotten it in there. Too much. That was the beginning of the end I think.

I've never been good with a big ego. It's the biggest problem I struggled with about myself. Shrinking it down was one of the best things I did when trying to be a better person. But somehow I've managed to inflate it again. And it's ruining everything.

All I can think right now is that I need to give myself that reality check. The one from october seems to have worn off. Maybe if I end this and tell you that it's clear we are completely opposite people and I have nothing to offer you then that will be the slap in the face I deserve/need right now.

But then again what good would that do? Why should I end it because I don't feel good enough? Surely that's not my call to make. Surely I should try and get as much out of it as I can? But I'm not sure I can carry on doing that. I feel so completely inadequate when I think about you, and us together. And we're so incredibly different; whilst I tell myself it's your decision to spend time with me so clearly it doesn't bother you, it still makes me feel like shit. Whilst I convince myself that I shouldn't get attached and it seems like you are; the feeling in my mind is that at the end of the day I'm disposable. The only one around until you get a better offer.

But then again that's always what I've been to everyone I've known, isn't it?

I guess I've just spent so long with myself whilst hearing everyone else around me still getting on that I'm starting to feel lonely, perhaps. I'm spending too long watching scripted realities of life where everyone has a quirk and a reason you're interested in them whilst I feel like I just fall flat. I'm busy watching the highlights of everyone's lives whilst I'm stuck experiencing this isolation.

But I'm at that stage of the isolation where I feel like the best thing for me is to stay in it. It's that point where I feel like... Well maybe not that everyone's life would be better off without me as it's not that self-important, but that what difference would it make if I wasn't around at all. I feel like it's less painful for me to try and be wanted and needed and appreciated even a little bit and it wouldn't make any difference to anyone's life if I really did stop trying. I remember this feeling a lot.

I realise that I need to focus more on what's good for me rather than what other people are going to think. Because at the end of the day no one gives a shit where I am or what I'm doing, so I may as well do what I like. Or rather save myself from feeling completely rubbish. And what makes me feel rubbish is when I continually get hit with the fact that no one cares. It's a vicious cycle.

Self loathing. That's what I'm going back to. I'm going back to constantly watching tv shows and reading books and watching rom coms, not because I'm particularly enjoying them so much as they mean I can escape being the completely wretched self that I am right now. Doing anything; even sleeping days away just to avoid being in this reality.

But then again maybe this isn't just the isolation talking. I've been working so hard to drag myself out of the place I was in a few months ago where I would break down in front of people. I've been trying to become less self depreciating and generally happier in myself. But maybe what I need to realise is that it's always how I'm going to feel; because I always come back to it. Maybe I need to realise again - as I know I've thought this times before - that embracing the reality that this is how I am will make it a whole lot painful. The bottom isn't so bad if you're used to it.

I can't wait for these exams to end so I can stop driving myself back into the part of myself I'm scared to revisit.

Friday, 10 May 2013

I've been wearing your shirt all day.

Partly because I just can't be bothered getting changed, and also partly because, well, it's yours. Also I like the colour.

I don't know if it's weird that I am; isn't it quite a couply thing to do? Sort of like I'm marking myself as yours or something ridiculous like that.

I guess I'm looking too closely into it. The shirt's comfy and convenient to wear. You'll get it back soon enough; I'll actually get dressed tomorrow.

Also get some revision done, jeez.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

It's frustrating.

I would very much like to march next door and relieve my frustration with you :P

But that's what got us into this mess in the first place.

So I guess I'm going to have to wait another week or so :(

Friday, 12 April 2013

I'm not quite sure if I'm feeling this wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I'm clear that if I wanted to, I totally could go off and say yes to whomever I want and be well within my right. But I don't want to. I just don't have the inclination.

I don't know if it's because I'm so used to not exactly being 'allowed' to say yes, but then again it's been quite a few months since that was the case. I think it's more likely that this sort of thing has all of a sudden happened with greater frequency and I don't know how to deal with it. I mean, really? Is it genuinely happening to me?! And of course I take the easy way out, it leaves everyone less hurt and it means I have to do less explaining.

Although I also realise that there's another part of me that is doing this for him. It's no coincidence when they ask for names he's the one I immediately use. Whilst it could be because he's the closest thing I have, I think there's more to it. It's so difficult to know what the right thing is to do in those situations because we've never really worked out what is going on here. And I don't want to ruin it! It's working so well! But at the same time I can't help but wonder where all these lines stop and start and blur together.

He made it clear he doesn't want to be seen as any kind of boyfriend; and I don't want that either. I'd just really like to know, for the most part, if we're supposed to be exclusive here? I never thought it would be an issue because, let's face it, this is me. I really don't get hit on enough for it to come up. But all of a sudden it has and I'm scared if I keep clinging to whatever this thing is, I'll lose myself in it. It was supposed to be a little bit of fun, but it feels more and more like a big deal to me and I think it's a pretty dangerous way to go.

But I'm too scared to lose it to start stirring things up. I'll just hope I don't have to keep trying to make excuses. Because whilst he seemed so completely not bothered about the poem, that time I asked he said he would be. And trying to work out in my head how he sees all of this is both confusing and exhausting.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Why is the something so fundamentally messed up in my head?

I always kind of thought these issues were slightly self-exacerbated. That I didn't do myself any favours and it was my own fault that they were around in the first place, let alone that they stuck around...
But for some reason they're still here. They won't leave the back of my mind no matter what. I thought I was so happy with how everything is right now but it keeps seeming like maybe I'm worse than I've been in a long time...
And I feel so awful when all this stuff comes out of my head when I'm, lets say less in control of myself. It's not fair on anyone else to have to listen to. I just don't know how to stop myself being like this. And at the very least I'd like to be able to just keep all this shit locked up inside myself. I used to be able to do that; why can't I now?!

Saturday, 2 March 2013

I think

This is the first time I've woken up alone after being drunk.

... I kind of like it, I want to spend a whole lot less time in bed when there's not a guy in it :P

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

I think I somehow, miraculously, managed to let go today.

I don't even know what's happened or changed, but the urge to talk to you or try and fix what happened with us has completely gone. I don't know if it's because I have other things on my mind, or I have this other thing going on, or I've genuinely finally realised I can survive without you, but I'm definitely seeing it as a good thing.

Yeah, sure it's a shame that everything that was there has gone down the pan. But that kind of thing happens all the time. And it was you that messed it up; if you hadn't acted like such a prick then I think things would be different.

And quite frankly, I've realised I can be just fine without you around to talk to every day; it's not like we ever talked about anything worthwhile anyway. And I get to cut out your moaning and your whining and your stupid comments...

No, I'm definitely in a much better place. I don't know what triggered it, but it's good! I finally feel free of the whole thing. Maybe at some point in the future if you're less of a dick we can end up being friends again but until then I think I'm going to be just fine without you :)

Monday, 18 February 2013

I'd like to think today was a step forward...

We've not ever spent that long together I don't think; it was nice. And there were so few awkward silences I think we're actually getting quite used to being around each other.

Plus the fact stuff happened when we woke up and we were both clearly sober... That means it's definitely more than a drunken thing; right? It's also nice to get laid twice in 24 hours I have to say :P

Although I still don't know what's going on with us... Every time you're drunk and we're alone together or we're in bed it feels so nice and intimate, but whenever we're not in those situations it feels kind of formal. I wonder what would have happened if I'd tried to kiss you today...

I guess we just have to wait and see what happens with this, but it's been a while already and I'm getting so impatient with waiting... Although I don't want to ruin what we have here; maybe trying to take it further in a single direction will change too much.

I'm not sure I want to be friends with benefits - as appealing as it sounds - it just might get too impersonal. At the moment it feels quite nice, close and personal. We're doing it because we want to be together, not because it's just a thing we do with each other to feel better or satisfy a craving. But I'm almost certain I don't want anything that resembles a relationship. As much as we get on, I don't think it would suit either of us; at all.

I have to say that I really like things the way they are; it seems to work just right and feel good. But it's frustrating having to rely on going out or getting drunk before anything can happen...

I just scrolled through the tumblr of someone who used to be my best friend for 4 hours.

I haven't even spoken to her in years and I had no idea all this shit was going on in her life. She was hospitalised 2 years ago and she's been to counselling ever since. She's now on anti-depressants.

It's so hard to believe that this girl who used to be the one person who could make me laugh no matter what and was the happiest person I knew can end up so sad. I don't even know how she managed to change so much and I didn't even notice.

I understand people drift apart but it feels so strange to realise she's been through all this since I knew her.

I have so much work to do but that's nowhere near on my mind right now; I just keep going over it in my head.

It makes me wonder if environment can dictate this sort of thing though. When we were 14 she was the one hanging out with all the stoners and drinkers on Urbis every weekend; she was the one going out and trying all these drugs. The kind of people she hung around with were the kind of people who developed issues. It makes me wonder if, much the same as what sort of happened to me, just company can influence these kind of issues... Or maybe it really is a consequence of the drugs...

It's just so amazing that someone can go through so much shit in 2 years.

Friday, 15 February 2013

It's pretty pathetic really.

How you've so desperately clung onto her. Gone crawling right back when everyone else went away.

I mean, I'm trying not to be bothered by it since, after all, it was me who ended everything; it was my decision. And I'm not the one going back to someone from my past because everyone in my present refuses to talk to me. But it's not exactly easy. How quickly you managed to find something new.

I put it down to some inane inability you have to be alone. Hey, maybe you hate yourself so much you can't stand not having someone else to be ridiculously clingy to...

I just really hope she sees it. If she can put up with it, more power to her; but somehow I doubt she will. She already tossed you aside once, remember?

Ugh I just can't believe how much you tried to convince me this wouldn't happen! I think you forget that I have good instincts...

You know what? I hope you do end up back together. And I hope you end up happy together for a while longer. You two were clearly a much better fit than we were. But just know that I called it. I was the one who told you to go crawling back to her when I left. So really, you're just obeying me. Which is quite amusing.

And I'm completely moving on with my life. I have better options - FAR better options. And I'm not the one who can't let go of the past. Remember what she said? "Exes are exes for a reason. They're what you don't want." And I think soon enough she'll realise that. She's probably doing what I did; just remembering the good stuff. It's extremely tempting, I won't deny it. But when you're faced with the reality, you realise the good times are an old memory and the present isn't nearly as appealing.

Good luck with your plan, I hope you get what you want. Because at the end of the day, one day so will I.
And I'm pretty close to something great as it is anyway. So I can't really be bitter for very long.

It still amuses me that you managed to alienate nearly all your mates in one night.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

I think it's slowly hitting me that you won't be around anymore.

I think it's because I finally slowly starting to get over being mad at you, and I'm starting to realise exactly how blank life seems without you to talk to every day and rant to and listen to your innane rubbish.

I mean, even if I couldn't be arsed with you, I still had you there if I needed to talk or just a comfort of someone who always seemed to be around who wanted my company and my attention.

I guess I was spoilt, having you around as long as I did. I mean, I'm finally beginning to understand what everyone else in this house feels like about the people they have behind. People they have a great time with but don't talk to every day, don't inform of their whole life.

It's kind of lonely, not having anyone to do that to; even when very little has been happening. I guess I just need to move on and embrace this new way; there are people around just not all the time.

Does it serve me right that the two people that 4 months ago were the most important people in my life and the ones who gave me the most happiness may now not actually talk to me again? Have I pushed them away by being a rubbish person? I thought I was sticking by good principles at the time, I had reasons. But was it worth cutting out those two such important people?

I was trying to get free for a while and now I am. I just need to remember that. That's the consolation in this thing. That's the reason it's worth this.

Friday, 11 January 2013

It's weird to think how much the break flipped everything.

When I left here I was so worried about how lonely it was going to be at home and I was even kind of dreading it. And now I'm lonely here, locked up in this room. I don't particularly want to talk anyone else here, I just feel so disconnected from them.

I didn't want to leave there in the slightest. Even more than I didn't want to leave here by far. I guess it just reminded me that even when I think there's nothing left for me back there, I can find something. Whereas here, I was labouring under a misapprehension that I mattered. It was completely ridiculous.

I'd rather be there than here any day. And I realise now that I always will.

I don't know whether you mean it or not anymore.

I mean, you tell me one thing and you tell her something completely different. I can't believe I almost got sucked in again.

The problem is that it was all your idea. YOURS! I was perfectly happy the way it was, I was well into moving on. Then you came along and put all these ideas into my head.

And I thought you really MEANT it. I really did. I thought you were being genuine and the way you used to be. But then when you say something so incredibly different to her, it makes me wonder.

It makes me feel pretty used to be totally honest. Thanks a lot for that. There I was spending the past few days with only the thought of you being there for me and actually caring because who else is there, and the whole time you were going around thinking things like that?!

I don't really know what to think about this any more. I really don't. I had come to terms with it before and now I actually don't want to give up, you're treating it like a fucking joke! I just don't get it. Why can't you just be straight about whatever?

Well I'm glad you got laid. Guess I'd better back off now before the same thing happens all over again, eh?

You never know, maybe you'll end each others' 'dry spells'. Have fucking fun with that.