Wednesday, 29 May 2013

I guess I always get introspective when I've been by myself a lot.

It's been about 3 weeks since I've had any prolonged social interaction and a solid week since I had a conversation with anyone at all. That'll do it.

I realise I'm in that stage where I'm hating who I am again. I feel like all the self-change and trying to improve myself I've been doing for the past 3 years is completely unravelling. I'm not the me that was carefree and so sure of her own philosophies anymore. I've somehow managed to bring back all those stupid little regrets I managed to stop caring about before. I'm losing my conviction in myself.

Maybe it's because I've not been talking to the one person who was with me the whole time whilst I came to all these conclusions. Maybe it's simply because I'm getting all caught up in stuff. Maybe this is the me I'll always be and any time I change that is just temporary. Who's to say.

But I do know I hate it. I wish I could just be one of those people who could be happy with who they are but unfortunately I'm not. The only time I remember genuinely thinking I was who I wanted to be was a year ago when I was with him. And I have no idea how; since thinking about it now I'd imagine I'd be constantly annoyed and frustrated.

I also can't help but keep thinking this whole thing is stupid and I need to finally get the guts to end it. I never understood why or how it even got this far; how you could even like me a little bit. And then recently I started getting complacent about it. I'd spent so long trying to drill it into my head so I didn't let insecurity ruin whatever it was that was going on that I'd finally gotten it in there. Too much. That was the beginning of the end I think.

I've never been good with a big ego. It's the biggest problem I struggled with about myself. Shrinking it down was one of the best things I did when trying to be a better person. But somehow I've managed to inflate it again. And it's ruining everything.

All I can think right now is that I need to give myself that reality check. The one from october seems to have worn off. Maybe if I end this and tell you that it's clear we are completely opposite people and I have nothing to offer you then that will be the slap in the face I deserve/need right now.

But then again what good would that do? Why should I end it because I don't feel good enough? Surely that's not my call to make. Surely I should try and get as much out of it as I can? But I'm not sure I can carry on doing that. I feel so completely inadequate when I think about you, and us together. And we're so incredibly different; whilst I tell myself it's your decision to spend time with me so clearly it doesn't bother you, it still makes me feel like shit. Whilst I convince myself that I shouldn't get attached and it seems like you are; the feeling in my mind is that at the end of the day I'm disposable. The only one around until you get a better offer.

But then again that's always what I've been to everyone I've known, isn't it?

I guess I've just spent so long with myself whilst hearing everyone else around me still getting on that I'm starting to feel lonely, perhaps. I'm spending too long watching scripted realities of life where everyone has a quirk and a reason you're interested in them whilst I feel like I just fall flat. I'm busy watching the highlights of everyone's lives whilst I'm stuck experiencing this isolation.

But I'm at that stage of the isolation where I feel like the best thing for me is to stay in it. It's that point where I feel like... Well maybe not that everyone's life would be better off without me as it's not that self-important, but that what difference would it make if I wasn't around at all. I feel like it's less painful for me to try and be wanted and needed and appreciated even a little bit and it wouldn't make any difference to anyone's life if I really did stop trying. I remember this feeling a lot.

I realise that I need to focus more on what's good for me rather than what other people are going to think. Because at the end of the day no one gives a shit where I am or what I'm doing, so I may as well do what I like. Or rather save myself from feeling completely rubbish. And what makes me feel rubbish is when I continually get hit with the fact that no one cares. It's a vicious cycle.

Self loathing. That's what I'm going back to. I'm going back to constantly watching tv shows and reading books and watching rom coms, not because I'm particularly enjoying them so much as they mean I can escape being the completely wretched self that I am right now. Doing anything; even sleeping days away just to avoid being in this reality.

But then again maybe this isn't just the isolation talking. I've been working so hard to drag myself out of the place I was in a few months ago where I would break down in front of people. I've been trying to become less self depreciating and generally happier in myself. But maybe what I need to realise is that it's always how I'm going to feel; because I always come back to it. Maybe I need to realise again - as I know I've thought this times before - that embracing the reality that this is how I am will make it a whole lot painful. The bottom isn't so bad if you're used to it.

I can't wait for these exams to end so I can stop driving myself back into the part of myself I'm scared to revisit.

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