Tuesday, 26 February 2013

I think I somehow, miraculously, managed to let go today.

I don't even know what's happened or changed, but the urge to talk to you or try and fix what happened with us has completely gone. I don't know if it's because I have other things on my mind, or I have this other thing going on, or I've genuinely finally realised I can survive without you, but I'm definitely seeing it as a good thing.

Yeah, sure it's a shame that everything that was there has gone down the pan. But that kind of thing happens all the time. And it was you that messed it up; if you hadn't acted like such a prick then I think things would be different.

And quite frankly, I've realised I can be just fine without you around to talk to every day; it's not like we ever talked about anything worthwhile anyway. And I get to cut out your moaning and your whining and your stupid comments...

No, I'm definitely in a much better place. I don't know what triggered it, but it's good! I finally feel free of the whole thing. Maybe at some point in the future if you're less of a dick we can end up being friends again but until then I think I'm going to be just fine without you :)

Monday, 18 February 2013

I'd like to think today was a step forward...

We've not ever spent that long together I don't think; it was nice. And there were so few awkward silences I think we're actually getting quite used to being around each other.

Plus the fact stuff happened when we woke up and we were both clearly sober... That means it's definitely more than a drunken thing; right? It's also nice to get laid twice in 24 hours I have to say :P

Although I still don't know what's going on with us... Every time you're drunk and we're alone together or we're in bed it feels so nice and intimate, but whenever we're not in those situations it feels kind of formal. I wonder what would have happened if I'd tried to kiss you today...

I guess we just have to wait and see what happens with this, but it's been a while already and I'm getting so impatient with waiting... Although I don't want to ruin what we have here; maybe trying to take it further in a single direction will change too much.

I'm not sure I want to be friends with benefits - as appealing as it sounds - it just might get too impersonal. At the moment it feels quite nice, close and personal. We're doing it because we want to be together, not because it's just a thing we do with each other to feel better or satisfy a craving. But I'm almost certain I don't want anything that resembles a relationship. As much as we get on, I don't think it would suit either of us; at all.

I have to say that I really like things the way they are; it seems to work just right and feel good. But it's frustrating having to rely on going out or getting drunk before anything can happen...

I just scrolled through the tumblr of someone who used to be my best friend for 4 hours.

I haven't even spoken to her in years and I had no idea all this shit was going on in her life. She was hospitalised 2 years ago and she's been to counselling ever since. She's now on anti-depressants.

It's so hard to believe that this girl who used to be the one person who could make me laugh no matter what and was the happiest person I knew can end up so sad. I don't even know how she managed to change so much and I didn't even notice.

I understand people drift apart but it feels so strange to realise she's been through all this since I knew her.

I have so much work to do but that's nowhere near on my mind right now; I just keep going over it in my head.

It makes me wonder if environment can dictate this sort of thing though. When we were 14 she was the one hanging out with all the stoners and drinkers on Urbis every weekend; she was the one going out and trying all these drugs. The kind of people she hung around with were the kind of people who developed issues. It makes me wonder if, much the same as what sort of happened to me, just company can influence these kind of issues... Or maybe it really is a consequence of the drugs...

It's just so amazing that someone can go through so much shit in 2 years.

Friday, 15 February 2013

It's pretty pathetic really.

How you've so desperately clung onto her. Gone crawling right back when everyone else went away.

I mean, I'm trying not to be bothered by it since, after all, it was me who ended everything; it was my decision. And I'm not the one going back to someone from my past because everyone in my present refuses to talk to me. But it's not exactly easy. How quickly you managed to find something new.

I put it down to some inane inability you have to be alone. Hey, maybe you hate yourself so much you can't stand not having someone else to be ridiculously clingy to...

I just really hope she sees it. If she can put up with it, more power to her; but somehow I doubt she will. She already tossed you aside once, remember?

Ugh I just can't believe how much you tried to convince me this wouldn't happen! I think you forget that I have good instincts...

You know what? I hope you do end up back together. And I hope you end up happy together for a while longer. You two were clearly a much better fit than we were. But just know that I called it. I was the one who told you to go crawling back to her when I left. So really, you're just obeying me. Which is quite amusing.

And I'm completely moving on with my life. I have better options - FAR better options. And I'm not the one who can't let go of the past. Remember what she said? "Exes are exes for a reason. They're what you don't want." And I think soon enough she'll realise that. She's probably doing what I did; just remembering the good stuff. It's extremely tempting, I won't deny it. But when you're faced with the reality, you realise the good times are an old memory and the present isn't nearly as appealing.

Good luck with your plan, I hope you get what you want. Because at the end of the day, one day so will I.
And I'm pretty close to something great as it is anyway. So I can't really be bitter for very long.

It still amuses me that you managed to alienate nearly all your mates in one night.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

I think it's slowly hitting me that you won't be around anymore.

I think it's because I finally slowly starting to get over being mad at you, and I'm starting to realise exactly how blank life seems without you to talk to every day and rant to and listen to your innane rubbish.

I mean, even if I couldn't be arsed with you, I still had you there if I needed to talk or just a comfort of someone who always seemed to be around who wanted my company and my attention.

I guess I was spoilt, having you around as long as I did. I mean, I'm finally beginning to understand what everyone else in this house feels like about the people they have behind. People they have a great time with but don't talk to every day, don't inform of their whole life.

It's kind of lonely, not having anyone to do that to; even when very little has been happening. I guess I just need to move on and embrace this new way; there are people around just not all the time.

Does it serve me right that the two people that 4 months ago were the most important people in my life and the ones who gave me the most happiness may now not actually talk to me again? Have I pushed them away by being a rubbish person? I thought I was sticking by good principles at the time, I had reasons. But was it worth cutting out those two such important people?

I was trying to get free for a while and now I am. I just need to remember that. That's the consolation in this thing. That's the reason it's worth this.