Wednesday, 28 September 2011

I want to talk to you.

I need to get this off my chest. And I need to tell this to you. You need to hear it.

You might be one of those people who likes to know a lot of people. You like getting to know a load of people at the same time, you like being able to flit between groups of people. You like to keep your options open.
I can't do that. I'm just not bothered with idle chitchat and surely that's all you can do if you don't know people that well? I like to have a few people around me that know me well, than just be able to wave to a lot of people in the corridor. I like to get to know one person at a time, and know them really well. You don't work that way.
You must have caught me on a bad week or something, because I was doubting myself. But I was wrong. I am the way I am because I like it. It makes me happy. I choose not to talk to a lot of people. I choose not to stand in the smoking area all day making conversation with random people. I like the way I am and the way I am with friendship.
And you're the only one apart from Awkward Guy that has ever really found any kind of problem with the way I talk to people, so clearly my conversational skills are not that poorly lacking. Yeah, sure the things she said were true, but she admits it doesn't mean I'm hard to talk to.
But I digress.
My point is, we're different kinds of friends. We both knew this. I even mentioned it, in fact. I'm alright with that. Just because I don't like to go around not really knowing most people a tonne, but being able to hang out with a ridiculous amount, doesn't mean I can have friends like that. I don't mind being one of those people you see around and say hi to, but not really anyone special. The thing that's pissed me off is the way you went about this.
"Oh you'll get bored of me soon enough. This walking is far too much effort for you, you'll get fed up." That wasn't just me being modest or cynical or pessimistic or trying to fish for some kind of compliment. It was me telling you the truth. Because that's always how it happens. And I'm completely fine with it, I've dealt with that.
"Oh no way, I wouldn't. I'll show you, in a month we'll still be doing this. I like spending time with you and that's not going to change any time soon." Lies. Lies, lies lies. Maybe you didn't even realise it at the time, I don't know. But in the end you did exactly what I first expected from you. I suppose on the one hand it bugs me for starting to believe you. You were so adamant I was wrong, I guess I thought maybe you were an exception. For sure, no one had put in as much effort to talk to me as you did at that point.
The crazy thing is, it was the very next day that this started.
I wouldn't even be this bothered if you'd actually given me the courtesy to tell me you'd 'changed your mind'. I keep using that phrase because it sounds nicer in my head than 'gotten bored with me'. But you could have just given me some notice, and I could just move on with my day, deal with it. But you didn't. You acted completely normal and then didn't bother to wait for me, and haven't spoken to me since. Not even that, you lied to me about that day, pretending you had an excuse. You did not 'jet off', you were sat with a load of people for ages. And I saw you later on your bike just hanging out at the crossing. So don't give me that.
"Oh I don't see you around anymore!" More lies. Of course you do. I'm not acting in any way different to how I was the first week. And if you genuinely don't, it's because you're not looking. That first week, you must have been actively seeking me out, because you came up to me wherever we were in relation. You dropped conversation to come talk to me. And I know for sure you saw me today.
And it's not even like I've been demoted to average friend. I'm lower than that even. You won't come over any more at all, you don't talk... What's even going on?! Do I not at least deserve an explanation or a warning of some kind? No?
You know yourself. You should have known yourself well enough to know this would be what you'd do. Or maybe you were just lying to me long enough to work out if I was going to be an easy addition to your list. Maybe it really is as simple as the story I told to someone. It was literally you waiting for some kind of answer then moving on in search of the easiest yes you could find. If so, I'm glad. I really don't want to be friends with someone who is like that. I certainly wouldn't want to let myself get close to them.

ARGH. Out of that entire week did you not pick up the most fundamental thing about me? I'd rather you told me you got bored of me than this ridiculous behaviour. I wouldn't even be mad at you if you had. At all.

There's more I wanted to say, but it's slipped my mind and, quite frankly, I don't want to try and remember it right now.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

You're such a hypocrite it's unbelievable.

What the hell do you think gives you the right to criticize me for something you do yourself?!
No one asked you to cyberstalk me. Leave me alone.
If you have a problem with what I do, then ignore me. And if you have something to say to me then say it right to me.
Funnily enough I haven't been talking to or about you all the time. Just because you think the world revolves around you doesn't mean it actually does.
In fact, if anything you have been getting annoyed with YOURSELF. Ugh for goodness sake it's not MY fault you are incapable of keeping a good friend.
I've stopped being bothered.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

I can't even think of the words.

God knows I'm rubbish at talking about myself or how I'm feeling. This was supposed to be helping that.
But I'm feeling ridiculously awful and I can't explain it.

I thought it was just shark week; you know, hormones. But I think there's something else to it. But I don't want it to be what I'm thinking it might be. I'm stronger than that. Really.

I don't get worked up over this kind of thing. It was a week. a week. Yes, it was a brilliant week, but only 5 days. Not even that, 4. 4 DAYS.
What the hell is wrong with me? How did I manage to let you get this much into my head when I've known you for such a short time?
I want to hate you for that.

I'm not kidding when I say I'm trying to give up on you though. I really don't want to be this worked up over you. You're this kind of person and I think I always knew it. I thought seeing you would make me less fed up, but it didn't. And that's how I know that I'm genuinely bothered. And that I'm also doing a better job of leaving you behind me.

Plus you clearly lied to me. I really can't be doing with that. And even if what you told me wasn't a lie, the context was. You did not 'jet off' that day, and we both know it. You just wanted to be with other people. The least you could have done is told me you changed your mind. I would have been fine then. At least you would have been up front. Pssh.

I got 4 days of your time, and thanks for that.
I guess I'll just see you around.

Monday, 19 September 2011

I realise now that you're the new him.

I know it's making parallels in my own life that aren't strictly true, but I can see it so clearly right now.
It's like the cycle all over again, and knowing you, I'm going to end up hurt.
For three months we were each other's everything. And yes, I'm not even going to deny it; I was the best goddamn friend he's had! The people he's surrounded himself with are liars and cheaters and just genuine idiots, they don't respect him at all and in their way, it's changed him. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again. I miss the old him. But there's nothing I can do about it now. He likes who he is and he's somewhat happy with his friendships.
But I can't go around just knowing a few people, I'm one who needs a close friendship. I need to know I have someone to talk to when I'm feeling like crap, not some people who I can go sit with on a good day. You can. You do. It's how you work. And I'm fairly sure, just like him, in a month or so, you will be over this thing and you will move on. It's probably not worth your while not to anyway.
I spent the entire weekend trying to work out if you were worth letting my guard down, starting to trust.
I realise now that I don't feel like you are. I don't think anyone is. I guess I'm pretty cynical. You said yourself that I shouldn't base my trusts now on what happened in the past, but I can't help it. I don't know if I'll find anyone worth the trust anymore. And that's my own issue. But today really sort of brought it home for me.
Yes, okay it's a little overreaction for what happened, but any time anything like this happens again, no matter how small, I'm most likely going to respond like this. And I can't help it. So you should probably just walk away now before it gets any worse for either of us.
Oh, and I'm rethinking London. I guess we'll see on Wednesday.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

I don't know whether trusting you is worth it.

There's so many reasons for me to trust you. You haven't given me any reason not to, anyway. Not that I know of. Though I guess I wouldn't...
And I know we have a great time together. I get on better with you than most people I know. And that's strange because I've only known you a week.
You seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with me. It's something new.

But then again, the speed with which you've fallen for me is a reminder of how quickly you could forget me. Doesn't it show how quickly you can move from person to person, feeling to feeling?
Not to forget your past. Your list is long. Very long. And mine is non-existent.
You have a reputation of moving on fast. I know you told me not to listen, but how can I not? And whatever your reasons are, I don't think this particular aspect is a lie. It's no secret that you don't do long term. It's also no secret that you like to be with someone. I refuse to be just another name on your list.
And maybe you say that you really like me. But you really liked all of the others at some point. For you, really liking something can be easy and temporary; for me it's hard and long-lasting. For a few years my motto has been 'never be more involved than the other person'. I don't think I am right now, but what if I become it? What if I end up becoming far too wrapped up in you?
If I let my guard down, there's a risk of it. A high chance; I know how I get.

After that first night, I already planned my speech for you if you tried again. I didn't want to be with anyone. I wasn't looking for that. Shouldn't I stick with my instincts?
But then again, I didn't know you as well then. I didn't enjoy your company so much. You weren't spending your own time to walk home with me, even though it made your journey so much longer. Something tells me that if I tell you I don't want anything, you'll stop and won't want to spend so much time with me. And I genuinely do enjoy spending time with you. But I'm fairly sure you'll be looking for someone else to be something more than friends with. How am I to know you're not acting like this with someone else, even right now?
Isn't there the potential, though? The potential for something really good, even if it's just for a month or two? Isn't it about time I experienced this? I've been told all my life that it's worth it, surely it must be?

I guess I just need more time to tell.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

This new blogger dash is strange

It's telling me I have a ridiculous amount of pageviews for a blog no one knows about...

This is the most secure I've felt in a while.

I completely believe that dreams tell us so much about our subconscious and how we really feel. I really have worked through a lot of personal stuff by listening to my dreams.

I had one of the most hopeful dreams I've had in a while the other night. It was really nice and it's stuck with me. I mean, for the entire thing I was completely distressed and practically bawling and screaming, but the difference was that at the end, there were actually people who were worried about me.

I know there were a lot of other issues in it I need to deal with, but the end has really stuck with me. Usually in dreams I'm by myself, but in this one there were people - only about 4 or so but it was still amazing - who were actually worried for me and caring. I guess it shows how much better I've been feeling lately.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

For the first time,

I think I'm actually starting to believe what you say.

Friday, 2 September 2011

I've realised

It's much easier to kid myself I'm being included when I don't try to get involved.