Friday, 30 August 2013

I think I must have a jealousy issue big time.

That's why every time I see or hear that someone else is having a great time without me it just makes me feel angry and upset. And no it's not everyone that it applies to, but the people I'm closest with for sure.

Perhaps it's because I'm so used to being around when they're having a good time that it just makes me feel left out? Perhaps I have some subconscious self-importance that means I must always be the cause of someone's happiness.

It's certainly the case that I am usually happier with certain people around (excepting of course certain scenarios), and maybe it's the old insecurity of being more invested than someone else in a friendship. That they don't even care if I'm around or not.

The worst is the thought that they're used to it and I'm just superfluous in their life. I think that's my greatest fear with everyone I know and care about a lot. It's been there for so long as well, I'm not sure if I could get rid of it...

But every time I see a picture of one of these people out having a good time, or they mention how brilliant they are and the time they've been having has been or they simply won't stop using the pronoun 'we' about them and someone else, I can't help but feel my stomach sink through the floor and want to curl up into a ball. It sort of devastates me.

I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive about this. I guess it goes to show my dependence on certain people despite my constant striving for independence. Doing a pretty shitty job, aren't I?

But I guess in time I may get desensitised to it. Used to it enough that it just rolls off my back and doesn't have this effect. Hopefully.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

I try to convince myself and others that I'm not high-maintenance.

But it's really a lie; isn't it?

I remember being around the age of 9 or 10 and a cousin I'd never met before of my dad's walking me around my uncle's wedding telling me about the entire concept of high and low maintenance. At the time I was a whiny kid, so I don't really blame her for criticising me on that one, but after that it's been an important thing on my mind in terms of how I judge my own character.

I've tried to change myself a lot and I don't know exactly how much of it is ultimately for the better or just what I felt like at the time. A lot of the time I've failed. But I always know that the version of me I will always like the most is the one I perceive as low-maintenance. I even remember what period of my life it was, since it's been the one I've been trying to get back to for over a year at this point. That time, when I just didn't care about anything. I was emotionally numb and that was exactly the right thing for me at the time. I could just go through life without worrying about being hurt or any of it. And a consequence of that was being insular and self-sufficing. I didn't need anything really from anyone else because I could be content with whatever I had. I don't know how long for, but I imagine it will be my favourite version of myself for quite some time.

But since then I've been constantly struggling to maintain that part of me. It's definitely failed drastically. All I try and do is hold myself back but it's like a badly made dam; it's not going to hold back the current for very long. All too many times I feel myself expecting so much more from everyone around me; expecting an onslaught of attention that, let's be honest, I in no way deserve the likes of. It continues for a while and when I don't get what I want I become angry and grumbly and moany and try to take it out on both them and myself. Of course, what with my passive-aggressive way of dealing with things, it's rare the other person actually notices anything is awry so it just becomes a strange type of self-torture. It's not until I start questioning why I'm feeling so rubbish that I realise exactly what is going on. And I consequently hate myself more in response for not making sure the dam was working. Once I've realised what's going on, I make an even harder effort to hold it all back; rebuild the dam and hope this time it'll be stronger and last longer.

What I think I need to realise is, considering how long I've been struggling with this, perhaps it's a part of me that really doesn't want to go away or be changed. It's so persistent - the current doesn't get any weaker. Perhaps the point of it all is to learn that it's something about myself I have to always hate and not do anything about, because I can't. Even though I find it one of the biggest personality flaws, not only in myself but also in others. It's a quality that really annoys and frustrates me.

Maybe I will just have to accept this part of self-loathing forever. Because trying to change it has gotten me nowhere.

How much of mood is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

It's apparently proven that just forcing yourself to think happier thoughts can make you happier; so is it the same with all moods? If you convince yourself that you feel a certain way, to what extent would it actually work?

It seems like a silly question; how can you convince yourself to not care about something when you really do for instance? That's simply denial and usually comes back to haunt you and I have unfortunately learnt a few times... Although even when you're happy you can bring your mood down just by thinking of something else that's not such a pleasant idea.

So to what extent can you really switch your mood around? If you tell yourself you're unhappy, do you just become that way? Can you pick and choose the way that you feel it? Or do you end up sending yourself down a spiral once the damage is done?

The human race has a habit of wallowing; usually in self-pity. Usually a bad mood becomes perpetuated and worsened just by thinking about it. That's why most peoples' methods of getting out of them involve distracting their minds until it gets pushed aside again.

So maybe that's the only extent to which we can control our emotions; with distractions and overthinking. Although this means that we can only really impact ourselves in a negative way and in order to stop feeling so shit all the time the best plan is just to not bother thinking, really. I'm sure it's a well regarded thing that the ignorant are the happiest. Not as much thinking; of course.