Saturday, 27 October 2012

Ugh WHY?!

Why do I suddenly miss you so much?!

I think I was happier when I didn't give a shit. I don't like this, this is what I was afraid of.

Stop it. Now.

Friday, 26 October 2012

I don't even know what to put

I don't exactly have something to say, I just feel like I need to write

Anything, just words whatever

Tonight was a bit of a failure. I only came out because no one wants to go out tomorrow night. Which is shit since all my good nights seem to be Fridays. I kind of wanted to go see him again tbh. Idk if I'm starting to like this guy or what but I just want some more times :/

And I didn't want to spend much. All those Fridays I didn't spend more than entrance, idek how I managed it. And tonight I knew that wasn't going to happen because I've run out of people to ask... That's how sad I am.

And I just realised I'm actually wearing the hoodie.

Everyone else getting completely fucked was funny, but kind of lonely. It's better when you have someone to talk to and watch people with. By the end of the night it was just like looking after children. And we all know I'm not good with children!

To be fair it's not like I did much. I just kind of sat there and watched and shouted something every now and then. Pretty useless, really. But then again that's me all over isn't it? Not like I've managed to do much right since I got here.

Freshers was alright but how many of those people do I actually still see? Already failing at my course and missing lectures, seem to have pushed away people already, clearly didn't meet enough people to actually make any kind of impression, and I'm pretty superfluous in general, aren't I? Not like I exactly add anything to this place. Apart from rolling, obviously. I'm only useful for preparing other peoples' times.

At first it was nice that you called on me and I could help you; like I actually added something to your life. But now it kind of feels like you're using me for it - you don't really give a fuck if it's me doing it or someone else - just as long as you get it. Maybe that's an over judgement.

I'm overly sceptical anyway, maybe that's the problem.

But I don't think anyone will actually miss me next year. No one misses me now, for goodness sake. What's even the point in trying? What if I'm also that person that people whisper about when they're not around about how hard it is to tolerate them.

Jeez, what if my recent 'exploits' have been talked about? I mean, they clearly have considering comments but I wonder what they say. What they're thinking. What if I'm as bad as her when I'm drunk? The comments I make about it, I'd hate it if people made them about me... I'd like to think I've not been that bad...

But then again I've had people in mind. I've kind of known the target in a way... I've actually succeeded the goal, thanks to that I guess. But then again my goal was probably a bad idea. Seems I've managed to lose the interest - probably because I gave in to the chase. It's no fun if it's not easy, is it?

Or maybe my goals were just too low. I knew I'd succeed because most would; not like it's uncommon from them. Or so I've heard.

Maybe that's it, I just haven't grasped how to deal with it. I failed at being detached, clearly. Or maybe I shouldn't have picked people I'd actually kind of like to be friends with still and kind of ruined it...

Ugh so many feelings of inadequacy. No one seems to be helping. Everyone's better, more interesting, more talented, (taller) and just better in every way. Everyone has that thing about them that makes people like them.

And I never picked mine up. I must have been sleeping whilst everyone else was actually developing a personality; a way to not be so expendable.

I thought I wasn't at one point. That point where I felt included, wanted, needed. In a way I'd quite like your clingy jibber jabber, cause at least then I had some kind of purpose. A point where someone cared where I was...

But then I moved, they moved, the situation changed completely. And now you've all got other people and I'm just here cutting my ties instead of creating them.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

This is why I wanted to go home when they did. So I had those people back who, even if they didn't still, used to want me around. Mainly one person, to be fair, and I don't even know why he's so important. We only really bonded over the last few weeks, although we'd had points before that. And he's pretty fickle, to be fair, but for some reason his opinion really made a difference to me. Even if it started as me liking his best mate :P

This is just the shit wafting around in my head. I guess it's always there, that's how I know I'm feeling normal. Those months of insane happiness was how it felt when those feelings were gone and it was amazing. But it's spoilt me; I need to get back used to how life should be, how I'm supposed to feel. Happiness is never supposed to last.

Fuck knows why that sparked a haiku but:
This the feeling,
This is carefree happiness,
Doesn't ever last.
Pretty proud of that one :)

But yes. I need to get back used to how I use to be. I thought I knew happiness then; when I learnt to block out the other bits. That's what life is supposed to be! No one should be left without their darker side they have to put away, that's not how it works. It messes up the balance!

Fuck, imagine my mood swings next week.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

really don't know what's up with you

Or why I even care. What's up with me?!

Idk if it's just me wanting someone on tap that I know I can have, or the whole hard to get aspect, or I'm just being clingy. All I know is that it happened because of my stupid hormones so I got a little overexcited...

But this is frustrating! Text me back goddamn it! It's not that hard! I'd feel just a little less rejected!

I don't even understand where you're at. You come to me and tell me you want me, but then 0 communication after. Although idk if I mind so much, considering your situation. Don't want to push it too far...

And you're yoyoing between personalities. One minute you're all there and ready to go, and the next you're trying to be as distant as possible. I don't exactly remember Friday, and I don't plan on bringing it up until after next Thursday or when we're both drunk, but if it genuinely was all me then I'm sorry. Everything seemed alright until that happened...

It kind of feels like it was that which messed everything up, in both situations.

I guess I'm just not used to how this works; I kind of assumed it wasn't a hit it a quit it kind of situation considering it didn't exactly go that far... But I was clearly wrong.

I need to assume you're both off on your own business and forget about you both and move on. Before I get more roped in.

Ugh. Dicks. Seriously how to even deal.

I don't know why I don't feel guilty.

In the slightest.

I mean, technically what I've done is something I always thought I was above; something I thought I had the decency to avoid.

But then again I always thought you had more decency than to do what you've been doing.

I guess I feel the closure in my mind; we're over. We have been for weeks. In my mind, we ended that weekend I came back, and absolutely everyone told me I needed to end it. That was the closing point.

Not to mention my hormones have been going insane, thanks to you. If anything I guess I can say it's partly your fault, since these raging hormones are your doing. Can't help it if I can't find anyone else, right?

But no, I definitely don't feel guilty. I regret nothing, also. I actually really enjoyed it. Kind of awkwardly, I'm trying to find ways for it to happen again...

I'm sorry I've done this to you I guess. But I can't help but feel like you've brought it on yourself. You couldn't let me go; so I wandered as far as I could. It's not like I'm willing to be unhappy just to placate you; I never have and definitely don't work that way now.

So man up. Either cut the shit - which is highly unlikely - or just let me get what needs to happen over with.

It's the best solution to make sure few people get hurt.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

I just got butterflies thinking about you for the first time in a REALLY LONG time.

It was thinking about the old you though. I really miss him. Why can't you still be him?!

Then again, maybe it's just my hormones. I'm feeling so lonely right now, I need some affection. In more ways than one.

It was good though, whilst it lasted. But I really don't ever see it going back to that. At all.

I guess I'm just missing what once was.

And I know technically it's not over, but I think both of us know it essentially is. There's no way we can make it work the way it did; we're over that stage. And you keep being a dick.

Every so often the old you comes through, the one I liked all that time ago, but he's so quickly replaced with this moany, whiny version of you I really can't stand...

Thursday, 11 October 2012

The last thing I need right now

Is you trying to tell me all about your little weird mood. You're only perpetuating it yourself and you know it.

You're wallowing.

And you can't stop going on about it.

Please stop going on. Seriously.

Grow a pair and man up.

Why is everyone so fucking talented

And I'm stuck here fucking stupid and possibly in a lot of trouble.

Ugh this wasn't what life was like even 2 weeks ago I don't understand

I just feel inadequate all the time nowadays and there's no one and nothing that seems to be able to change it.

I want to go back to the summer when I had so many people around me that I cared about and vice versa; the point where my happiness was surprisingly impenetrable. Why does it have to fade now?!

I seriously don't know if I can deal with any more of this; not right now.

I'll start isolating myself again...

Sunday, 7 October 2012

that thing you read that makes you feel like you're sinking

I didn't realise this was how close you two had gotten.
I really didn't.