Monday, 31 October 2011

Nothing like your best friend going missing to distract you from yourself.

She left Sunday morning, texted her dad that she was with me on Sunday evening and she's still not home.
I've not heard from her since Saturday night.
I don't have a clue where she is.

Her phone's off.
I really hope she gets in touch soon. Just to know she's alright would be enough.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Your 'We need to talk' isn't so scary when I've spent the week preparing.

You can't honestly believe I expected this week to be ignored like a blip. We both knew whilst it was happening that it showed a pretty big problem going on here. If you hadn't said something, I would have. Eventually.

It's a good thing I spent this week getting my detachment back. Because otherwise your little revelation probably would have ended up putting me in a pretty deep rut. But it's good, because I went through my rut on my own. No one around to wonder why, or even notice all that much. And I went through it pre-emptively, meaning it hurts a lot less.

And it's a good thing you realised you wanted out sooner rather than later. Well, even sooner probably would have been nicer for me, but it's all good. This week was actually just what I needed, clearly, to protect myself from whatever you're next planning to hit me with.

It means I actually get out of this relatively okay.

And I can have the victory of being right about the whole thing. Again.

I just wish you hadn't told me now. My focus is all gone from where I buried it in my work. Damn you.

Friday, 28 October 2011



That's all I can say about how I feel right now.

I thought I was feeling better this morning, but I guess not.

Musical Therapy. That's what I need.

Listening to a ridiculous amount of music will always help me feel better about something.

That and burying myself in work. I can do that too; if I ever find the motivation. Then again my work is one of the things bringing me down, so maybe that wouldn't help at all.

Films aren't working this time though. It's a shame.

Please piss off.

Like seriously. Go away. Now, please.

Stop existing.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

I wish Facebook would stop telling me you're online.

It's not like it's allowing me to forget the fact you're practically blanking me. I don't WANT to be stressing about it as much as I am; please stop shoving it in my face.

I'm fairly sure I'm not being paranoid here. I allowed for that, but this is ridiculous. This is more than that time you stopped talking to me; and that was obviously purposeful. In fact, I think we talked more then.
You've clearly not been too busy, since you found enough time to go out last night anyway. And you're not even responding to messages which get sent directly to you - ergo this is purposeful.

What is even going on here? Was this the idea all along? Reel me in and then laugh as you threw me back? What? Or maybe you just got bored. Already. If so, I have to say I'm impressed.

But I'm not going to be pushed around like this. I have every right to be annoyed, and I will be. You should know I'm not going to take this sort of treatment lying down. I'm not just a convenience for you; around when it's suitable. To think I actually believed you when you said this was important to you...

Pshh maybe things were going too well; I'm not allowed any sort of happiness for long.

I'm fed up of everyone assuming I'm going to do well.

I'm genuinely worried about this exam. I'm really finding it difficult. And I'm not saying it so people will compliment me, I honestly don't think I'm going to do well.
I'm not just being defeatist, I genuinely want to do whatever I can to change that fact, but right now I'm really not sure it's going to end well at all...
So please can you all STOP assuming I'm worrying about nothing, because I'm NOT.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

He texts me something happy every day.

He learns my favourite songs on guitar because he knows I love it
He memorises everything I tell him about myself
He goes out of his way to see me when he gets let out

And I'm supposed to hurt him for you. I don't know how I'm expected to do that.

I don't think this is going to last.

I think the real reason I don't want to tell him is because I really don't know if it's worth it.
I can make excuses about not knowing the right way and his feelings, but I think the genuine reason is because I don't honestly think this is long term enough to merit it.
What happens if I tell him this week, and we end the week after?

I know you're stressing about where I'm going to uni next year, but I genuinely don't feel like we can last that long. You don't have that kind of track record. And as similar as we are in some respects, we're completely different people. I get tedious over long periods of time. You're going to want to move on. Hell, I'M probably going to want to move on.

I guess I still don't trust you enough to believe you when you say this is something you're actually thinking about seriously. It's hard to do when I don't see you in days and it kind of feels like you're not making any kind of effort. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I'm hormonal. But I can't deny that sometimes it really does feel like we're only together when it's convenient. And that's not really the kind of relationship that's going to last.

What's the point in breaking the kid's spirit for something not even nearly as strong?

Monday, 24 October 2011

I hope you realise you broke me.

I was happy and detached from life before. I liked my breezy outlook on everything. I was calm, collected; not much bothered me. I wouldn't lie, no matter what. I was completely face-value.

Now I'm starting to feel again; get angry, frustrated, embarrassed. Lying is tempting its way back into my life. I feel like I can be hurt again. I'm not enjoying what is; I'm looking forwards all the time. I'm threatening to become myself a few years ago. There is a reason I changed.

I'm not saying I don't love this new phase, but I do miss the old, simple me. She was a version of myself I could finally be somewhat happy with.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

So it actually did go right?

Really? Is this my life?

Something must be about to go wrong... Surely?

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

I think I have to face it.

If I don't like him yet, I'm probably not going to.


At least, I think I don't like him. I don't get butterflies when I think of him or spending time with him. I thought that was the fundamental defining thing about liking someone. Or maybe it's just exaggeration. Maybe the truth is that butterflies aren't actually real, or they're not common at least.

Maybe I really am just thinking this whole thing through with my head and not really letting myself feel anything, but I can't deny all the reasons that this is a bad idea. I don't want to tell him though. I now know for a fact we will not see each other so much if I do. And even if I don't want anything to happen with him, I really do enjoy spending time with him.

And he actually snakes his arms around my waist exactly the way I love.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Ellie says I should make you wait.

I always think to ask Ellie when these things happen. I don't even know why. I think it's because she has a bluntly honest policy which is exactly what I want when I'm asking for advice. Also for the detachment factor.
I told her a brief run-down of 'the story'. I didn't mention the three week hiccough though. She says I should make you wait a while. Make sure you really know what I'm about before letting anything happen. In a way I think you already know a lot of the things she said you should be finding out about me, but I'm going to take her advice. After all, it's kind of exactly what I've been saying this whole time.
She also told me not to be scared. That's not so easily done. I'm actually genuinely terrified about this. Because there's only so long we can skirt around this. Sooner or later, you're going to get fed up or it's going to happen. I think I want the second but I really am genuinely terrified of it. And I don't know how I'm going to get more comfortable with the idea. 
Drink, anyone?

I still don't exactly feel like you were telling the truth.

Maybe I'm being over-sensitive and overly paranoid, but you can't blame me if I find it just a little difficult to trust you again. Even if what you're telling me is true, I almost feel like you only mean it when I'm around.
"Oh there she is, she's quite nice isn't she?"
I know it's only been a couple of days, but it just feels as if it's half-hearted when we're talking online, you don't seem exactly interested to talk to me. It's kind of the same way you were talking to me over the past 3 weeks. I thought you were doing less of the backing off now?
Perhaps it really is my paranoid and trust issues shining through; you've made yourself somewhat of a grey spot for me.
But given your past, and the past three weeks, I feel a little like I'm just a convenience. This is why I was cautious then, and I think it's coming back to be another reason to be cautious now.
But then again, what would I know?

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Okay, so now I'm confused.

Apparently it was a misunderstanding. It seems like such a convincing argument...
But what if you're lying?
"I'm so good at lying, people are less likely to believe me when I'm telling the truth"
Not really a reason for me to trust you, is it?

But at the same time, I really want to. She's not making it up when she says we'll probably be pretty good together. We probably would.
I'm still scared though. I don't know if I'm ready to go into anything just yet. But I don't think you'll wait around for long. There's only so many times you'll ask before you'll just give up.