Wednesday, 27 June 2012

THIS is why it was a bad idea!!!

I know that it can cause this, so that's what I'm putting it down to. At the time I did think it was too simple...

It probably shouldn't have happened tbh. I don't think I'm actually ready. Not to do it right, anyway. I need to do some research and get educated before we start doing it properly...

And we won't be doing it any time soon, sorry dude. I should never have let it get that far because now to you it's just nbd...

And this is my way of paying for all of it. It's painful :(


Wednesday, 13 June 2012

I'm fed up of you being perpetually mad at me.

It feels like all we ever do nowadays is argue. You seem to constantly disapprove of my life and my choices and everything I do just seems to make it worse.

It's actually at a point now where I don't feel like there's anything I can do to make it better, so I'm just leaving it alone and letting it spiral.

That's what I do; when things get too overwhelming, I just leave them to fix themselves. Although they usually end up just getting worse, I just learn to live with it.

Right now I might be able to live without you. I definitely don't want to, but if it's easier than trying to work out whatever the hell is going wrong here, I'll probably do it.

Why can't you just accept how I am and stop getting annoyed about it? I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.

After these bloody exams maybe it will all get better.

Monday, 11 June 2012

I can't believe it.

I genuinely can't believe it. I really really thought you'd changed. Learnt your lesson. Moved on from stupid mistakes you've made more than once. You'd think your entire friendship group cutting off all ties with you would be enough to stop you trying this shit again!

But no. Not at all. You're exactly the same. In fact, worse. And I, like the idiot I am, fell for it. And feel bad for hurting your feelings! Just like last time. I'm a fool, I should have slapped you straight away. What's wrong with me?!

No. It's not right. Not at all. You need to understand these things are not okay. Even if you think it's a great idea and there's no downsides. You have no idea what's going on inside my head. Don't assume you can see the whole picture and you can reason this kind of thing into being something a decent person would do.

Fuck you. I'm not going to let this eat me up again. The first time it messed me up for a year. I was in a bad state really. But I've dealt with it. And that'll make it easier to deal with it again. More than anything I'm just angry at myself for trusting you again; everyone told me not to. But no, I thought 'he'll be different now'. How wrong I was.

I really want to tell someone, to get it off my chest... But I know it will only turn it into a big deal and cause problems; something I really don't want. It'll make me seem weak and stupid for putting myself in that position with you again. I can deal. I can detach. No way are you going to be the reason we have problems. No fucking way.

I'm going to slowly retreat from you. Maybe slowly enough you won't even notice; although that's unlikely. And considering the amount we talk nowadays, a slow retreat would take ages. I really don't know if I can be anywhere near you any time soon. I might freak out or get angry or start shaking again. But this is it. We're done. Twice is far too many times when it comes to something like this. And you're clearly incapable of change.

I'll probably be convinced you're not so bad again. Decide friendship means more than this. 'It's another mistake, misread signs; no big deal.' But it really is a big deal. This shit is not excusable by any amount of misguided loyalty I've built up.

You said yourself it'd be a pretty fucked up thing to do. And it is. No one who knows can understand how I've managed to move on from it at all. And now neither am I. Trusting you and yourself around me is like a bee repeatedly flying into a window. It's frustrating and getting nowhere and I'm going to keep getting hurt.

Friday, 8 June 2012

I know for sure I'm not even tempted

Yesterday proved it. It's not even a sense of loyalty, I'm genuinely not tempted at all.

Maybe it's because we've gotten stronger, maybe it's because there's still not that deeper connection with that, and maybe even because I've realised I don't find it as easy to spend time with him than you

Either way, I know. And everything is so much simpler now. But it makes me miss you like crazy. Just saying.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

I need to stop this

When I'm with him I think of you...

I need to stop this weird progression of a relationship and focus on us. I really think you're right when you talk about us possibly lasting... But it's difficult when he's here and you're not.

Don't worry, I wouldn't. Not whilst I have full control of my functions.

But I really miss you right now...

Saturday, 2 June 2012

I really don't know what to do with that information.

Me, really? I mean, I knew there was something... But I never thought it was properly there. I thought I was just another name on the list of hopefuls.

Not one of the top of the unreachables list.

It's so weird to think that you genuinely like me. Like, properly. Not just another someone you want to get on. I  half-admired your dedication before, not going to lie, but I didn't actually think it was that much of a big deal.

It's still a surprise. I can't imagine you actually properly liking anyone, let alone me. Maybe they all have it wrong, maybe they're all over exaggerating. But it seems unlikely so many people would.

It's definitely nice to hear. Especially when I have my soft spot for you. It makes me wonder how long it's been that way for you. Imagine if we'd coincided? To be fair I don't think it would have ended well for me, but still. Experience.

But I wouldn't do it to him. And so you're just going to have to be another door timing never allowed me to open. Unfortunately.

Maybe I do have an issue.

Maybe I do need to sort out my life.

I understand it's a mess and a confusion, believe me. I'm befuddled by it more than anyone else. And you know how I just let life pass me by as it may.

And maybe I do need to start doing something about it. But not the way you're telling me to go about it.

Communication is key, remember? Talking. That's all it takes. Hopefully.