Tuesday, 4 September 2012

I'm trying to summon back anything

Any remainder of the feeling I used to have for you, so strongly too...

I know it can't all have just... disappeared. Surely not.

And when she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I couldn't just accept what she was saying. Even when she suggested what I've already suspected, it didn't fall right on me.

I really don't know what to do here. This state is incredibly dangerous; left by itself I could become completely detached.

I don't even know who/what to blame for this. It could be him, it could just be me. It could be the passing of a certain amount of time since I decided I couldn't backtrack on my decision making me properly come to terms with it and its imminence...

I'm freaking out

And I'm not quite sure why.

I don't know if it's because of the tiny bit that passed between me and him tonight

But I think it's more because of the last thing he said,

"I don't know what you see in him."

And you know what? Me neither. Genuinely and honestly I don't have a fucking clue. What the hell do you have that I'd want? He's not lying when he says you're wasting yourself. Why on earth are we still anything?

I'm sorry if that one statement marks the end of what I thought was brilliant, I really am. Because I don't know what drew me to you at all but all of a sudden it seems gone. Completely.

Maybe it's because you're not here, I don't know, but I just suddenly feel nothing at all. I always knew we didn't have a future so why did I even fucking bother? I know I live by the whole live in the moment thing, but what have you given me that's contributed to my life apart from give me the affection I've always lacked?

Is it really all about you giving me attention? Is that really the basis of everything between us? Because I'm not going to lie, I can't answer his question with anything except that.

It actually hurts me to think it because I think there was a point where I was genuinely what everyone would call 'in love' with you, and I don't want it to all break down because of a little comment he's said...

But he has a point. He says I could do better. He has a point when he says if me and him had actually worked out all those months ago that we wouldn't be sat at home drinking cider every fucking night. It's boring, and I'm tired of you right now.

Maybe I'm tired or I'm just overthinking, I don't know