Thursday, 20 December 2012

What the fuck do you think gives you the right?!

I have had ENOUGH.

I really cannot be arsed with this shit anymore. What so you think telling every tom dick and harry stuff I say is completely acceptable?

Fuck you.

And I'll have you know I beat you to the whole saying we were already broken up shit. So ha.

It's funny because I have this little gem of information I know will KILL you. But obviously if I fired it then everyone else would say I'm out of order. Bloody morals.

You're a fucking prick. What the hell makes you think you're completely within your right to assume I even WANT to be with you any longer? Jeez dude, just because I'm actually talking to you means NOTHING.

And yeah sure, it'll be nice to know that this whole thing is going to be easier because you've 'come to terms with it', but for god's sake! Yes okay maybe I wanted to be selfish and think that you'd be upset without me, so sue me. At least I'm not as reliant on it as I was before!

And the fact you're just going off to other people you've only just met "oh I'll be single soon" FUCK OFF.

And the funniest part is the whole "I really don't see anything after Christmas" thing, like seriously? Do you really think this is all your decision?? You're trying to be so superior it makes me sick. Oh yeah like you're taking the high road, the objective situation, you're seeing what's best. Shut the fuck up.

This was MY FUCKING IDEA so shut up trying to save face to all these random strangers that really do NOT need to know my business.

I swear to god I'm so likely to lose it.

Monday, 17 December 2012

It's pretty amazing how much better just talking to you has made me feel

I was so torn about whether I was happy to be home or not, because I thought we'd all be distant and everything would be different. But tonight just helped me remember how much I enjoyed being home before and how much I genuinely like being around you. You brought back that sense of friendship and happiness and familiarity that I used to feel. You helped me clear up how I'm feeling.

It's hard to explain why or how you managed it, but it's been so long since I could just hang out with someone and wander around talking about all sorts, especially someone as straight talking as you...

I remembered why I used to think of you as someone I could come to about basically anything, why I liked asking you for advice.

Seriously, thank you for helping me remember why I used to feel secure and happy with my mates here. I'm so glad.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

It already feels like you've left

Even though you're just next door. I'd be so tempted to have asked to stay over tonight as well but I guess three nights in a week is asking too much... Also, we're not drunk and you're leaving early.

I wish I remembered what happened last night. It feels like nothing much but then again I was not clothed when I woke up so something must have...

I'm definitely going to miss the prospect of having you around. I like our little arrangement! And who knows what it'll be like when we get back. Nothing the same, I'm sure of it. 3 weeks is plenty to rethink the whole thing.

It's weird how down the thought of you not being around makes me feel. Maybe it's more what my hormones think about the prospect of not having a guy to release themselves on... I'm even tempted to stay up until you leave so we can have one last cig together. But that's probably a bad idea. We already said bye.

Ugh I wish I knew where you stood. Am I being irrational here? What's wrong with me?!

Jeez I really didn't think I was going to miss uni so much over this break but I already kinda don't want to leave. It might just be because the past week or so has been so laid back and obviously, our new thing has been a very nice pick me up.

I just realised I started moaning about life last night. Oh god! I must have completely freaked you out! No one wants to listen to someone moaning! Much less be friends with someone who does! I'm an idiot.

Wish I could get a hug from you though. Or just anyone I guess... But you give good hugs.
Hey, I do have a key to your house... :P

Friday, 14 December 2012

Hmm.

I'm glad I somehow managed to cheer myself up a tiny bit. I guess a bit of human interaction was what I needed, just to remember that even I guess superficial relationships are better than nothing. Also I realised tumblr text posts help me forget whatever is going on in my life for a tiny while whilst I chuckle.

It was pretty good timing that you wanted to come out when you did, I was too scared to ask in case I felt clingy. And I'm sorry I guess I cut it short but I was cold :/

It's weird though. That I can talk to him more easily than with you. I don't know if it's just a coincidence because of the timing or if it's tension or just generally conversational styles... I'd always kind of thought it but it was weird to see it plain in front of me.

I might be looking into it too much. But it kind of felt like you were a little more open after he left... Idk.

However it kind of put this stuff into perspective a bit. I think.

This makes no sense. MIND JUMBLE.

I wonder if anything will happen tomorrow. It seems unlikely if you're leaving on Saturday but who knows...

I feel like giving up.

I don't like how quickly my little respite from this has disappeared. I think it's because I'm realising how shallow and pointless it is to lean on it. I think it's also because I need to detach myself from it before I end up getting far too into it.

Also now I've come to realise that over the next 3/4 weeks the one thing that was making me cheerful for the last week won't be around. And the things I was looking forward to are not going to be as great as I thought.

Because who's there for me back home, really? One person? That's all I can properly think of in reality. Someone I didn't think would so abruptly has left completely. Someone else is clearly itching to get rid of me - and let's be honest I have them for quite a while. Another person is pissing me off no end because of their behaviour down here. And the other doesn't really care or provide the support I give them credit for. It's fleeting.

And it's all very well when I go home for the weekends, because none of that matters. When I only have a couple of days it turns into cramming as much in as possible and you don't notice who does or doesn't make the cut, as long as the time is filled. But 3/4 weeks is a very long time. Enough to realise that I have no one left anymore.

I remember when I thought my issue was not having anyone here and all the people I cared about and vice versa being back home. But I somehow managed to come to terms with that. But now the only foundation I had left I'm starting to realise isn't there at all. And I feel like I'm crumbling like a house of cards. Again. I don't have anyone here AND I don't have anyone there. I don't have anyone. Full stop.

It was definitely a blow when I realised I wasn't the only one who wanted out. I mean, sure, it makes my life easier but again it was one of my foundations. One of the things I thought I could count on as reassurance that I'm not worthless or pointless or unloved. But clearly not.

So instead I'll stay at home with my mother who will always manage to find something to be angry with me for, and my father who's already rightfully pissed off at me for irresponsibly spending a load of his money. And it's going to be just like secondary school all over again. Which is possibly the period in my life I most hated. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I really wish happiness lasted longer than it does. I guess I reached my quota. I guess I'm not allowed any more; at least not for a while.

I wish I could learn to just be happy with whatever life throws at me. I used to be good at that. But I guess that's not in the slightest bit easy when you realise that at the end of the day, no one gives a shit if you're happy or sad. No one gives a shit if you're even around anymore. As if anyone would notice if I just... disappeared. And how is it possible to try and be positive when you realise that, despite the best efforts you have in you to make it otherwise, your existence is pretty much utterly pointless.

Thanks. Thanks for everything.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

I don't think I can even word how happy I am that something went right for a change

Everything went the way I hoped it would. Actually, it went better. A lot better.

I was so close to giving up hope! And now something's actually taken a positive turn! It's quite unbelievable!

And it managed to go the way I dared to want without me reverting back to how I was then. It's actually maintained my own dignity as well as me being able to enjoy the same pleasures. In fact, far better. There's respect and mutual levels of interest...

Ugh it's just turned out so well; I'm afraid something's going to have to go wrong soon :/

But until it does, I'm going to enjoy this little ray of hope the world has given me.

Because it's been really awesome. :)

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Friday night was unbelievably enjoyable

I'd like to go back to then please. That would be very nice.

All of it.

At least I have my shoulder mark as a reminder :P

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Something was really different today.

And by different I mean just like the old days. Back when we'd talk for ages and still have things to say. I even got excited to be talking to you again.

I don't know if this means anything. I don't know if we've both decided to cling to 'us' with even more zeal because we're both having to face the fact that soon it might be over and we're trying to change the others' mind. I don't know if it's because you've finally gotten over yourself - well, for now.

Maybe it's you feeling guilty and trying to make it up to me.

I don't know why it is.

All I know is that I'm feeling like I did back then and whilst it's not necessarily a bad thing, I'm not sure it's a good thing either. It's confusing me. I don't think this can change how far apart we've gotten and how I felt absolutely nothing for you...

However, it's making me feel happier right now and I guess that's the most important part.

Monday, 26 November 2012

It's hard to try and kid myself I'm fine

When I constantly get slapped in the face with all the reasons why I'm not. Every single day.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

I don't know why I feel so weird about this

I mean clearly we're in a different situation to what I thought we were in, and it's thrown me off guard. Because I was coming round to the idea of not ending everything completely. And now it seems like it will, because that's how you're feeling too.

I don't know why this makes me feel so much worse. I guess it's because that one dreg of comfort I was clinging on to has been torn out from me, because clearly you don't think I'm worth it anymore; you like the idea of other people, so I'm not in your mind. Which means I'm not really what you want either.

Why the hell am I finding that so difficult to deal with?! Yes, it's a shock. But this should be a relief! This should make me feel better because it makes this so much easier

But it feels like a slap in the face. Because that one person I thought wanted to hold on to me doesn't particularly.

Who's left?

Friday, 16 November 2012

UGH

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

I could really do it right now.

What the FUCK do you think is going on here?! Do you really understand HOW LONG you've been doing this?! Do you really think this is a result of other people being selfish? REALLY?!

It actually sickens me. Like, genuinely. Even more so that you're trying to convince other people of it too. What the fuck?

It's so unacceptable it's untrue.

If this is genuinely how you see the situation then you are seriously fucking deluded.

That you even have the NERVE to start complaining about people not dropping the littlest thing to come and sit with you whilst you complain about absolutely nothing? It's ridiculous!

And then what's worse is when people call you out on it you STILL don't see it! How does that even work?!

You assume everyone else is doing as little as you. You think everyone just sits around doing nothing all day so why WOULDN'T they be able to come see you at the drop of a hat and do whatever you want them to do? Why WOULDN'T they want to spend time helping you through your stupid pointless non-issues? Why WOULDN'T you be the person they'd want to see most of all?

You're so self centred and selfish it's insane. How is it possible someone can think so much of themself and yet STILL not get it?! It's beyond comprehension to me, it really is.

So what, after 2 months of this bullshit people finally got fed up and started ignoring you and you're getting pissed off about it? You got a fucking 2 month allowance! That's more than most people get! And you're still not happy!

You had two weeks of her dropping everything for you and you still weren't satisfied. It's no fucking surprise that she's stopped! Hell, I gave up after a few days; I admire her patience!

Do you really think you're a bearable person to be around when you're acting like this? Do you really think you're someone that people consider good company?

It's hilarious to think that all last weekend when you were putting on your stupid display, everyone was just laughing at you. I wonder how you'd feel if you realised that this has just become a joke to all these people you know.

NO ONE CARES ANYMORE. Move on.

If you genuinely have something to whine about; deal with it by yourself like everyone else does. If someone offers advice without you asking; accept it. But NEVER expect it. Never. It's the number one fucking rule of life.

But you don't. In a very brilliant quote you're "bitching and moaning about nothing". And it's true. Like he said; if there was something really up, you wouldn't make excuses. You wouldn't put on this charade. You'd get the fuck on with life because you'd realise that's what you do.

It just baffles me that you're still sat there expecting these people that you have abused the patience of to find an unlimited supply more of it for you. For them to keep waiting on you hand and foot until you get bored of this palaver. People don't work that way! You can't use people that way!

And the way you said "Oh I drop everything for my friends but I guess that's not how it works"
You've never had to drop everything for a friend for TWO FUCKING MONTHS STRAIGHT have you?! People have their own LIVES to lead! You got a massive chunk of their fucking time; they probably paid you back way more than you ever gave them because you're fucking useless at helping when someone's feeling shit anyway.

I just can't deal with you and your ignorance and your selfishness.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

It's really quite amazing

When you realise exactly how many teenagers self harm.

I don't know if it just happens to be the people I know; but a high majority of them do or have done it before.

And it's strange because it's talked about as this thing that only the small percentage of people turn to...

Perhaps it's the way society teaches us to think of it; a lot of the time I do believe people use it as some way to get attention

And whilst I hold attention seekers with nothing but contempt, I guess you can't ignore what they're doing for it.

It's sort of an internal dilemma of mine whether to give those such people the time of day when I know the real damage that causes it as a coping mechanism more than anything else. In that perspective it kind of disgusts me.

But then again the only reason you'd have to think of them needing help for it is if you think it's an altogether terrible thing; which I can't quite do right now.

It's a way of coping; same as so many other things like smoking or comfort eating. And if someone is choosing to do it for another reason aren't they kind of making fun of it as a way of coping? Aren't they trying to mock it, in a way?

Or maybe it's just manipulation of people's sympathies.

I dunno, this hasn't really made much sense.

I guess both self harm and attention seekers are on my mind at the moment.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

It's been a day of guilty pleasures

And I regret nothing.

I don't think you realise

I've worked out how to work on your ego :P

I talk myself down whilst talking you up.

It's a win-win situation.

:)

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

My brain won't shut off

So here comes the brain dump.

I know I said I wasn't going to talk to you from now on - I was going to move on and let you forget all about how embarrassing I was being - but I kind of feel like I need to justify it.

But this only comes with the assumption that if I justify it, you'll actually give some form of a shit about me...

I know I don't like leaving things messy; it makes it harder to move on from and more likely to reoccur. God knows the last thing I left messy even today comes back to bite me every so often. The open books are the most painful, for sure.

So surely explaining myself is my way of closing this book? I can say my piece and leave the ball in your court. Then again, I'd kind of like it in mine. Makes me seem more nonchalant surely?

Then again, who am I kidding? It's not been in my court for a very long time; if at all.

It could either be a very big mistake or the closure I need to move on and start rebuilding myself.

I just can't quite work out which one.

I don't even know why it's bugging me so much - why the hell do I care what you think?! Surely it's can't just be because you're a ridiculously good kisser (which I'm sad to say I will miss :( ) but I just can't think of anything else; not the way you've been treating me.

It's funny because even a really good friend of yours couldn't believe you've been acting the way you have - even he wouldn't believe it! I guess you told him more now though, cause he's never gotten back in touch with me. Well, he was nice enough to try and help I guess. Even if his attempt just led me into more trouble.

If last weekend hadn't happened, we'd be fine. I mean, not out in the open, but I wouldn't be constantly embarrassed whenever I think of you or my own actions. But then again I feel bad blaming him - even though he forced it to happen - because he really was trying to help.

Ugh I don't even know what's been getting into me. It's all well and good to say hormones, and maybe it is since it would make sense them wearing off now, but I think it was more the hard slap in the face that was my reality check this weekend. I realised exactly how worthless I've made myself here. I've lost that person that both I and the people around me seemed to actually like. I've lost whatever that edge I had was. That's why the interest has faded into this.

And I think I can sense it. I'm desperate to have some kind of attention so I scrabble around for whatever. Whatever I know they won't turn down. Because hey, that beats rejection right?

Or does it? Because haven't I just degraded myself more?

It was hard enough to face the reality that they were only prepared for one thing from me, but it's even harder when I realise it was under my own suggestion. It was all desperation in the spur of the moment. I guess the talks didn't go the way I expected so I struck out. I guess that's the biggest sign of how different I've become - old me would never have lowered herself to that for any reason.

I've degraded myself. I've gotten needy and out of my depth and I need to drag myself back up to that person I'd worked so hard to achieve and that person that kept me happy for months and months this year.

I don't know what to blame for the change. Maybe it's the lack of certain people in my life, maybe it's a response to all the change, maybe it's a reflection of the people around me, maybe it's because you and I have somehow lost ourselves. But at the end of the day it's happened. And it happened slowly enough that I couldn't stop it before it got too far. It's only really been these past few weeks when it got to the point where I genuinely have disgusted myself with my own behaviour. I'm better than this.

At least I used to be. And I can be again.

That's the thing. My issue with you is not really an issue with you, is it? It's a battle I have with myself. I need to sort myself out before I can be comfortable with whatever happens between me and other people.

I need to take a much needed and overdue step back and re-evaluate what's really that important. I need to go back to the well-controlled person I used to be that didn't just follow the scent of goddamn testosterone and was more ruled by her head. That person that people wanted to chase, not just have and leave because she was far too easy.

Because that's why this happened. I got too easy. I was really hard to get at first; that's why their interest was piqued in the first place. But then I realised the problems going on between us and for some reason that sent my hormones and brain haywire.

Maybe all this behaviour also stems from how uncertain we are right now. Maybe seeing you will help clarify in my mind what exactly I need to do. He wasn't wrong when he said it was unhealthy; two people clinging together for emotional support rather than any mutual attraction left. And as terrifying as that prospect is, I guess I have to sever that if I want to be a healthy independent person again. Because independent people don't need emotional crutches.

And I need to accept that it took years to form the bonds I made at home; and they were amazing people. I always acknowledged that kind of thing wasn't a common occurrence and I told myself never to take it for granted. But I did. Because, as I used to be able to accept, everyone is superfluous at the end of the day. Every person is selfish enough in them self that they don't really regard other people as that important in their life. Yes, okay, a friendship. But never a properly close one; those things are impossible to maintain and nigh impossible to create. And I need to remember how well I used to be able to deal with that and accept it about life and find comfort from other places. I should remember how I felt back when I had absolutely nobody; and act the way I did then.

At the end of the day, I need to go back to the independence I once had. Yeah, sure, I wasn't as carefree as I have been in my (perhaps false sense of) security, but I didn't ever lower myself to the level I feel I'm at right now. I never compromised my integrity. And that's why I didn't seem to exactly repel anyone. And that's what I need right now. As nice as it would be to feel attractive and cared for, the most I can hope for right now is to keep some form of dignity and self-assurance.

I need to find happiness and reassurance from myself and only myself. If other people contribute, sure that's fine, but never ever expect it. That's the rut I'm in right now and it's going to be hellish to drag myself out.

It's going to be hard to fix this, but I'll manage it eventually. I've been that person before; surely it can't be so hard to become her again?

And meanwhile I'll still ponder whether to clue you in on this. Whether to try and make you realise that it hasn't been the real me; at least not a me I can be happy with. Then again, you might just think it's an excuse. Or be incapable of giving out another first impression. I guess either way it's my own fault; if I hadn't have acted the way I did, would we be in a different situation right now?

It's weird because I kind of remember the point I decided to target you. I just had a long think and thought hey, maybe he'll not reject me. That's dangerous thinking. Tell me a year ago I'd be doing that and I'd be outraged. I refused to even kiss the guy I liked and that I knew liked me back (albeit temporarily) at that point! But I never targeted him, did I? He got me, and I drew him in with my personality. There was absolutely no enticing on my part in that respect. And it worked.

So why the hell did I leave that behind? I know it's harder and takes longer to build up anything in any respect in that way, but surely the past shows that it's stronger and it actually means something - let alone meaning I know the people I can talk to don't have such a low opinion of me.

Ugh I'm fairly sure you won't get into contact with me again now except by accident. And I think the best plan of action is to move on. Because trying to get in touch with you to tell you all this just makes me seem even more desperate; which is the very last thing I want to do.

I do need closure on this, but maybe I need to find another way. Maybe I'll just see you out one night and I'll be able to settle it all out then.

Then again, probably not.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Lol what is even my life

Seriously what has all this turned into?

It's all a big fucking mess.

The irony being that the person who first made me feel like the good times had ended is now pretty much the only person who can make me feel like there's any left.

I really don't know what to do.

fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck

I really need you to be here right now

I'm sorry

But I really do.

I need you with me

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Ugh WHY?!

Why do I suddenly miss you so much?!

I think I was happier when I didn't give a shit. I don't like this, this is what I was afraid of.

Stop it. Now.

Friday, 26 October 2012

I don't even know what to put

I don't exactly have something to say, I just feel like I need to write

Anything, just words whatever

Tonight was a bit of a failure. I only came out because no one wants to go out tomorrow night. Which is shit since all my good nights seem to be Fridays. I kind of wanted to go see him again tbh. Idk if I'm starting to like this guy or what but I just want some more times :/

And I didn't want to spend much. All those Fridays I didn't spend more than entrance, idek how I managed it. And tonight I knew that wasn't going to happen because I've run out of people to ask... That's how sad I am.

And I just realised I'm actually wearing the hoodie.

Everyone else getting completely fucked was funny, but kind of lonely. It's better when you have someone to talk to and watch people with. By the end of the night it was just like looking after children. And we all know I'm not good with children!

To be fair it's not like I did much. I just kind of sat there and watched and shouted something every now and then. Pretty useless, really. But then again that's me all over isn't it? Not like I've managed to do much right since I got here.

Freshers was alright but how many of those people do I actually still see? Already failing at my course and missing lectures, seem to have pushed away people already, clearly didn't meet enough people to actually make any kind of impression, and I'm pretty superfluous in general, aren't I? Not like I exactly add anything to this place. Apart from rolling, obviously. I'm only useful for preparing other peoples' times.

At first it was nice that you called on me and I could help you; like I actually added something to your life. But now it kind of feels like you're using me for it - you don't really give a fuck if it's me doing it or someone else - just as long as you get it. Maybe that's an over judgement.

I'm overly sceptical anyway, maybe that's the problem.

But I don't think anyone will actually miss me next year. No one misses me now, for goodness sake. What's even the point in trying? What if I'm also that person that people whisper about when they're not around about how hard it is to tolerate them.

Jeez, what if my recent 'exploits' have been talked about? I mean, they clearly have considering comments but I wonder what they say. What they're thinking. What if I'm as bad as her when I'm drunk? The comments I make about it, I'd hate it if people made them about me... I'd like to think I've not been that bad...

But then again I've had people in mind. I've kind of known the target in a way... I've actually succeeded the goal, thanks to that I guess. But then again my goal was probably a bad idea. Seems I've managed to lose the interest - probably because I gave in to the chase. It's no fun if it's not easy, is it?

Or maybe my goals were just too low. I knew I'd succeed because most would; not like it's uncommon from them. Or so I've heard.

Maybe that's it, I just haven't grasped how to deal with it. I failed at being detached, clearly. Or maybe I shouldn't have picked people I'd actually kind of like to be friends with still and kind of ruined it...

Ugh so many feelings of inadequacy. No one seems to be helping. Everyone's better, more interesting, more talented, (taller) and just better in every way. Everyone has that thing about them that makes people like them.

And I never picked mine up. I must have been sleeping whilst everyone else was actually developing a personality; a way to not be so expendable.

I thought I wasn't at one point. That point where I felt included, wanted, needed. In a way I'd quite like your clingy jibber jabber, cause at least then I had some kind of purpose. A point where someone cared where I was...

But then I moved, they moved, the situation changed completely. And now you've all got other people and I'm just here cutting my ties instead of creating them.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

This is why I wanted to go home when they did. So I had those people back who, even if they didn't still, used to want me around. Mainly one person, to be fair, and I don't even know why he's so important. We only really bonded over the last few weeks, although we'd had points before that. And he's pretty fickle, to be fair, but for some reason his opinion really made a difference to me. Even if it started as me liking his best mate :P

This is just the shit wafting around in my head. I guess it's always there, that's how I know I'm feeling normal. Those months of insane happiness was how it felt when those feelings were gone and it was amazing. But it's spoilt me; I need to get back used to how life should be, how I'm supposed to feel. Happiness is never supposed to last.

Fuck knows why that sparked a haiku but:
This the feeling,
This is carefree happiness,
Doesn't ever last.
Pretty proud of that one :)

But yes. I need to get back used to how I use to be. I thought I knew happiness then; when I learnt to block out the other bits. That's what life is supposed to be! No one should be left without their darker side they have to put away, that's not how it works. It messes up the balance!

Fuck, imagine my mood swings next week.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

really don't know what's up with you

Or why I even care. What's up with me?!

Idk if it's just me wanting someone on tap that I know I can have, or the whole hard to get aspect, or I'm just being clingy. All I know is that it happened because of my stupid hormones so I got a little overexcited...

But this is frustrating! Text me back goddamn it! It's not that hard! I'd feel just a little less rejected!

I don't even understand where you're at. You come to me and tell me you want me, but then 0 communication after. Although idk if I mind so much, considering your situation. Don't want to push it too far...

And you're yoyoing between personalities. One minute you're all there and ready to go, and the next you're trying to be as distant as possible. I don't exactly remember Friday, and I don't plan on bringing it up until after next Thursday or when we're both drunk, but if it genuinely was all me then I'm sorry. Everything seemed alright until that happened...

It kind of feels like it was that which messed everything up, in both situations.

I guess I'm just not used to how this works; I kind of assumed it wasn't a hit it a quit it kind of situation considering it didn't exactly go that far... But I was clearly wrong.

I need to assume you're both off on your own business and forget about you both and move on. Before I get more roped in.

Ugh. Dicks. Seriously how to even deal.

I don't know why I don't feel guilty.

In the slightest.

I mean, technically what I've done is something I always thought I was above; something I thought I had the decency to avoid.

But then again I always thought you had more decency than to do what you've been doing.

I guess I feel the closure in my mind; we're over. We have been for weeks. In my mind, we ended that weekend I came back, and absolutely everyone told me I needed to end it. That was the closing point.

Not to mention my hormones have been going insane, thanks to you. If anything I guess I can say it's partly your fault, since these raging hormones are your doing. Can't help it if I can't find anyone else, right?

But no, I definitely don't feel guilty. I regret nothing, also. I actually really enjoyed it. Kind of awkwardly, I'm trying to find ways for it to happen again...

I'm sorry I've done this to you I guess. But I can't help but feel like you've brought it on yourself. You couldn't let me go; so I wandered as far as I could. It's not like I'm willing to be unhappy just to placate you; I never have and definitely don't work that way now.

So man up. Either cut the shit - which is highly unlikely - or just let me get what needs to happen over with.

It's the best solution to make sure few people get hurt.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

I just got butterflies thinking about you for the first time in a REALLY LONG time.

It was thinking about the old you though. I really miss him. Why can't you still be him?!

Then again, maybe it's just my hormones. I'm feeling so lonely right now, I need some affection. In more ways than one.

It was good though, whilst it lasted. But I really don't ever see it going back to that. At all.

I guess I'm just missing what once was.

And I know technically it's not over, but I think both of us know it essentially is. There's no way we can make it work the way it did; we're over that stage. And you keep being a dick.

Every so often the old you comes through, the one I liked all that time ago, but he's so quickly replaced with this moany, whiny version of you I really can't stand...

Thursday, 11 October 2012

The last thing I need right now

Is you trying to tell me all about your little weird mood. You're only perpetuating it yourself and you know it.

You're wallowing.

And you can't stop going on about it.

Please stop going on. Seriously.

Grow a pair and man up.

Why is everyone so fucking talented

And I'm stuck here fucking stupid and possibly in a lot of trouble.

Ugh this wasn't what life was like even 2 weeks ago I don't understand

I just feel inadequate all the time nowadays and there's no one and nothing that seems to be able to change it.

I want to go back to the summer when I had so many people around me that I cared about and vice versa; the point where my happiness was surprisingly impenetrable. Why does it have to fade now?!

I seriously don't know if I can deal with any more of this; not right now.

I'll start isolating myself again...

Sunday, 7 October 2012

that thing you read that makes you feel like you're sinking

I didn't realise this was how close you two had gotten.
I really didn't.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

I'm trying to summon back anything

Any remainder of the feeling I used to have for you, so strongly too...

I know it can't all have just... disappeared. Surely not.

And when she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I couldn't just accept what she was saying. Even when she suggested what I've already suspected, it didn't fall right on me.

I really don't know what to do here. This state is incredibly dangerous; left by itself I could become completely detached.

I don't even know who/what to blame for this. It could be him, it could just be me. It could be the passing of a certain amount of time since I decided I couldn't backtrack on my decision making me properly come to terms with it and its imminence...


I'm freaking out

And I'm not quite sure why.

I don't know if it's because of the tiny bit that passed between me and him tonight

But I think it's more because of the last thing he said,

"I don't know what you see in him."

And you know what? Me neither. Genuinely and honestly I don't have a fucking clue. What the hell do you have that I'd want? He's not lying when he says you're wasting yourself. Why on earth are we still anything?

I'm sorry if that one statement marks the end of what I thought was brilliant, I really am. Because I don't know what drew me to you at all but all of a sudden it seems gone. Completely.

Maybe it's because you're not here, I don't know, but I just suddenly feel nothing at all. I always knew we didn't have a future so why did I even fucking bother? I know I live by the whole live in the moment thing, but what have you given me that's contributed to my life apart from give me the affection I've always lacked?

Is it really all about you giving me attention? Is that really the basis of everything between us? Because I'm not going to lie, I can't answer his question with anything except that.

It actually hurts me to think it because I think there was a point where I was genuinely what everyone would call 'in love' with you, and I don't want it to all break down because of a little comment he's said...

But he has a point. He says I could do better. He has a point when he says if me and him had actually worked out all those months ago that we wouldn't be sat at home drinking cider every fucking night. It's boring, and I'm tired of you right now.

Maybe I'm tired or I'm just overthinking, I don't know

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Is there something wrong with me?

I get worse moods than my friend who's diagnosed bipolar and off medication.

Should I be worried or...

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

What's even the point in all of this anyway?

What we've been doing for the past 4 months. Yes, we're happy and yes, we don't regret any of it. But what are we actually achieving?

I always thought it wouldn't matter what I was doing or for how long, as long as it made me happy. Happiness is the greatest achievement in life.

But we've been happy for so long at this point and I'm starting to feel like simply pursuing this happiness means everything else goes nowhere.

I don't want to say that you're bringing me back, but I've stopped bothering with so much since we started being happy together. It's the same lifestyle for you, but I know there's so much I'm no longer doing because I don't have time any more or you've just overshadowed.

I constantly feel inadequate around people I used to be able to be the same as. I keep feeling ignorant. Like I've left the loop of my life to be with you.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to go back or stop being happy with you, but I also don't want to lose that person I was and aspired to be. I want to be able to feel like I know at least something about anything again; feel cultured and educated. I want to feel like I actually have interests that aren't you and the few things we have in common.

But that person came from hours and days and weeks of being by myself with nothing but time to explore what there is to find. Now, all my spare time is spent with you. Watching silly game shows and laughing at unfunny jokes.

People don't really take me seriously any more. I don't feel like I can be even nearly as good of a conversationalist. I need to discover more to know and love and debate about, because that's a side of me I've always loved to cultivate and have cultivated. Right now it's shrivelling; suffering from it's lack of attention. I want to keep abreast of so much and find even more, but you're always here.

Maybe it's also a little scary that I don't want you to not be here, despite everything I feel like I'm losing from myself as a consequence. But I think I really need to put my foot down. As amazing as this happiness is, it's not worth losing parts of myself to enjoy the short-lived joy that comes with it...

Friday, 10 August 2012

Paha.

I used to be such a romantic, now that stuff just makes me laugh.

My boyfriend just suggested we have a bubble bath together and I couldn't stop laughing...

But seriously, how awkward would that be?!

Saturday, 28 July 2012

People are fickle.

They change their minds easily. They're not stable bases for anything.

I need to stop relying on only you for my happiness. Yeah, sure, right now it's all peachy keen, but what happens when it's not any more? We both know this isn't going to last forever and I don't want to lose everyone else over this.

But I don't want to have to start from scratch with you. I know we've lost a lot of time and closeness over the past year or so, but we were so close. We talked about everything. Why has that gone? Sure, we have pleasantries, but I can feel you're not really there. Not any more. And whilst I don't miss certain aspects of you, I miss our friendship. I miss you willing to be there for me. I miss you not holding back. Maybe it's selfish of me, maybe I should be happy you've moved on, but I don't want to. I'm a selfish person and I want you back.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Don't go back

It's so tempting. It would be so easy to just go back to that. It's such a promising idea.

The pull is indescribable. I need to fight this. The feeling will pass, I'm in a much better place now.

Hold strong. Please.

I feel slightly on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I don't even know why, maybe I'm just that hungry. Maybe today reminded me of the past. Maybe I'm feeling lonely. Maybe I miss being good at certain things. Maybe I've started to finally hate the person I've become.

I don't even know. But I seriously just want to curl up in a ball and ignore everything and just sleep away the rest of the week so I can wake up refreshed. I wish I could wake up and experience at least one day of myself a year ago just to feel the difference. The relationships I had, the friendships I lost. Even investigate the ones I have closer now but barely had then. I just want to relive a point where I wasn't this person; this wasn't my life.

I guess I'm becoming disillusioned. It's not a good thing, especially not with the happiness I've been feeling right now. I need to find some way to get back into who I am and how my life is going again.

Or maybe this feeling of being inadequate is just a retaliation to not being as talented in certain things or proficient as I used to be. Practice makes perfect and when the lack of practice causes a deterioration of forgetting of discipline, it has to be weathered to get good again.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

4 times in the past 24 hours.

Just saying.

It's probably not a good thing but ayy well :)

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

I have marks on my neck

And there's no mistaking what they are or where they came from.

Whoops.

Yesterday was the first time I've thought I've needed my space from you.

But it passed pretty quickly to be fair... I think it was just a little overwhelming thinking of the whole week we'll be spending together bar tonight.

But now, the thought is a nice one. It's nice living at mine instead of yours for once. And having a free house to do as we please.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be a whole lot better still.

Bloody shark week.

It's hard to describe exactly HOW annoying it is. I was okay with deciding on rationing on my own terms but now I'm just so fed up I don't WANT to hold back when I finally don't have to...

It'll be nice when it's done. It'll be very nice indeed :)

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

THIS is why it was a bad idea!!!

I know that it can cause this, so that's what I'm putting it down to. At the time I did think it was too simple...

It probably shouldn't have happened tbh. I don't think I'm actually ready. Not to do it right, anyway. I need to do some research and get educated before we start doing it properly...

And we won't be doing it any time soon, sorry dude. I should never have let it get that far because now to you it's just nbd...

And this is my way of paying for all of it. It's painful :(

WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME?!

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

I'm fed up of you being perpetually mad at me.

It feels like all we ever do nowadays is argue. You seem to constantly disapprove of my life and my choices and everything I do just seems to make it worse.

It's actually at a point now where I don't feel like there's anything I can do to make it better, so I'm just leaving it alone and letting it spiral.

That's what I do; when things get too overwhelming, I just leave them to fix themselves. Although they usually end up just getting worse, I just learn to live with it.

Right now I might be able to live without you. I definitely don't want to, but if it's easier than trying to work out whatever the hell is going wrong here, I'll probably do it.

Why can't you just accept how I am and stop getting annoyed about it? I don't feel like I can talk to you anymore.

After these bloody exams maybe it will all get better.

Monday, 11 June 2012

I can't believe it.

I genuinely can't believe it. I really really thought you'd changed. Learnt your lesson. Moved on from stupid mistakes you've made more than once. You'd think your entire friendship group cutting off all ties with you would be enough to stop you trying this shit again!

But no. Not at all. You're exactly the same. In fact, worse. And I, like the idiot I am, fell for it. And feel bad for hurting your feelings! Just like last time. I'm a fool, I should have slapped you straight away. What's wrong with me?!

No. It's not right. Not at all. You need to understand these things are not okay. Even if you think it's a great idea and there's no downsides. You have no idea what's going on inside my head. Don't assume you can see the whole picture and you can reason this kind of thing into being something a decent person would do.

Fuck you. I'm not going to let this eat me up again. The first time it messed me up for a year. I was in a bad state really. But I've dealt with it. And that'll make it easier to deal with it again. More than anything I'm just angry at myself for trusting you again; everyone told me not to. But no, I thought 'he'll be different now'. How wrong I was.

I really want to tell someone, to get it off my chest... But I know it will only turn it into a big deal and cause problems; something I really don't want. It'll make me seem weak and stupid for putting myself in that position with you again. I can deal. I can detach. No way are you going to be the reason we have problems. No fucking way.

I'm going to slowly retreat from you. Maybe slowly enough you won't even notice; although that's unlikely. And considering the amount we talk nowadays, a slow retreat would take ages. I really don't know if I can be anywhere near you any time soon. I might freak out or get angry or start shaking again. But this is it. We're done. Twice is far too many times when it comes to something like this. And you're clearly incapable of change.

I'll probably be convinced you're not so bad again. Decide friendship means more than this. 'It's another mistake, misread signs; no big deal.' But it really is a big deal. This shit is not excusable by any amount of misguided loyalty I've built up.

You said yourself it'd be a pretty fucked up thing to do. And it is. No one who knows can understand how I've managed to move on from it at all. And now neither am I. Trusting you and yourself around me is like a bee repeatedly flying into a window. It's frustrating and getting nowhere and I'm going to keep getting hurt.

Friday, 8 June 2012

I know for sure I'm not even tempted

Yesterday proved it. It's not even a sense of loyalty, I'm genuinely not tempted at all.

Maybe it's because we've gotten stronger, maybe it's because there's still not that deeper connection with that, and maybe even because I've realised I don't find it as easy to spend time with him than you

Either way, I know. And everything is so much simpler now. But it makes me miss you like crazy. Just saying.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

I need to stop this

When I'm with him I think of you...

I need to stop this weird progression of a relationship and focus on us. I really think you're right when you talk about us possibly lasting... But it's difficult when he's here and you're not.

Don't worry, I wouldn't. Not whilst I have full control of my functions.

But I really miss you right now...

Saturday, 2 June 2012

I really don't know what to do with that information.

Me, really? I mean, I knew there was something... But I never thought it was properly there. I thought I was just another name on the list of hopefuls.

Not one of the top of the unreachables list.

It's so weird to think that you genuinely like me. Like, properly. Not just another someone you want to get on. I  half-admired your dedication before, not going to lie, but I didn't actually think it was that much of a big deal.

It's still a surprise. I can't imagine you actually properly liking anyone, let alone me. Maybe they all have it wrong, maybe they're all over exaggerating. But it seems unlikely so many people would.

It's definitely nice to hear. Especially when I have my soft spot for you. It makes me wonder how long it's been that way for you. Imagine if we'd coincided? To be fair I don't think it would have ended well for me, but still. Experience.

But I wouldn't do it to him. And so you're just going to have to be another door timing never allowed me to open. Unfortunately.

Maybe I do have an issue.

Maybe I do need to sort out my life.

I understand it's a mess and a confusion, believe me. I'm befuddled by it more than anyone else. And you know how I just let life pass me by as it may.

And maybe I do need to start doing something about it. But not the way you're telling me to go about it.

Communication is key, remember? Talking. That's all it takes. Hopefully.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Spending the night spooning with some guy who's not your boyfriend...

...After spending the past 36 hours straight together.

Said guy being the guy I consider to be the most attractive I know...

... the same guy I've been texting a ridiculous amount over the past month...

... the same guy I have an unusual past with...

... the same guy that used to be my best friend...

...

... No wonder I'm having dreams about you cheating.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

I genuinely don't think I've ever been happy with my life for this long before.

I'm genuinely content with it.

I might be homeless, but I'm enjoying the way I'm living. There's no sense of duty in it. I enjoy spending time with the people I see; I don't have to deal with those I don't. Everyone I care about seems to also care about me. I feel like I have a good support network of people I can turn to.

Life's good.

And yes, okay, I've completely neglected studying. But I'll do some tomorrow. Jeez.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

I can't do this.

I'm here by courtesy, not choice. I'm here because no one will shut up at me about trying some kind of longer term solution to this. What no one seems to understand is that this is even worse.

I did not come here to be verbally abused by you. I don't care how great it makes you feel, I'm not your punching bag. You don't ever really listen to me. Ever. You never have. You like the view from your high horse too much. I'm sick to death of it.

And believe me, I'm not planning on coming back.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Knitting.

It really helps, amazingly.

It gives me something to fiddle with, and takes my mind off stuff.

And it even hurts a tiny bit.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

I really hope it's not me.

I don't want my own bad actions to cause you to have relapsed too.

I don't want to have triggered you back to this :(

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

I haven't relapsed in nearly 2 weeks now.

I'm so proud of myself in a way. I know you would be.

But I do still want to; maybe that'll never go away. And I could easily start again, but I really do miss being able to be carefree with certain aspects of my life. And I could always start again somewhere else, but it only ever seems right in the one place.

But for now, I'm going to keep myself reigned in. This is good for me; isn't it?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

We're not in a relationship.

The concept of that still chills me a little. Although less than before. But that's only to be expected.

I don't know exactly what the difference is apart from the label and other people knowing, but I'm much happier with it this way.

I know I was told to stay away from any relationshippy stuff to stop this becoming more that way, but I think I've kind of ignored that advice and jumped in pretty quickly, to be honest.

And for once it really doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach at the concept that maybe one day we'll be able to make it simple and give it a label.

But right now? We're unnamed and just going with the flow of this.

There is one, I guess, very good thing that's coming out of this so far.

I haven't indulged in my nasty habit since it happened.

I'm fairly sure it's mainly because you seem to have been always here, and when you leave I'm just so damn exhausted that I don't really feel like being awake long enough. But it could also be, I guess, that this is finally something that's making me happy enough to not feel reliant on it.

Who knows.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this

It's really strange how things have ended up, isn't it?

Just a couple of posts ago I was ranting about how neither of us really wanted this dynamic - well, especially you - and how I just needed to release my frustration on someone else. And now look.

It's hard to even believe this has happened. I mean, me and you? It always seemed like an impossibility. A concept that would never need to be thought of. And it's all happened so fast. This time last week there had only been a tiny shift in our friendship, but that wasn't indicative at all of this. I mean, my actions on Tuesday clearly revealed my own things going on, but I genuinely would never have guessed where you were at. I guess those charged moments weren't in my imagination after all...

I can't help but feel a little doubt here though. And I'll probably end up talking about it at some point soon. This just seems to have worked out too smoothly. I have this tiny niggling feeling that you kind of just wanted to fill your dry spell. After all, it is you that keeps mentioning that I started it. And even though at the time I was absolutely convinced you were beating around the same bush at the time, I can't help but worry I got the wrong idea. I guess you could argue that maybe it was a good thing, because if what you told me is true then we were both kind of convinced there was no possibility of anything further and it was really just a case of someone making the first move. I'm starting to think mine should have been asking you. Then it can't all come back and bite me. And I'd be sure you weren't just saying it because I was there and easily available, clearly. But then again, you did say you were willing to wait for me. And that's not really something you'd say if I was just easily available, right? But then again, who else is there around? A little is better than a lot, right?  But maybe I'm just being cynical and comparing you to last time too much. I know you're not the same person and I know you don't have the same reputation in this kind of thing... Ugh I need to straighten this out for my own sanity. I don't want to end up in a similar situation to last time. My solution will probably be asking you, not going to lie, but maybe that's not a bad thing. I'll wait until we're both drunk though. And hope I remember your answer. And hope you don't lie to me.

I don't think I'd be going into this so much though, if my instincts weren't telling me you were telling the truth. Maybe my mind is clouded or my judgement is biased because I want to believe the best in you but I feel like my instincts have been quite good in the past. And this feels so comfortable. I think it helps that we've been so close before this. We've had, what, at least 4 months of a fairly close friendship before any of this? So maybe that's why this feels so smooth, so easy, so natural.

It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's me and you. You! The same person I've been trying to fight any kind of feelings for for quite a while, whilst viciously denying anything to everyone else and equally trying to dissuade any of your own ideas at the same time. The same person I swore I'd never want to get into anything like this with.

I think the ease of this frightens me a little. Before, it was actually a little nerve-racking. Now? It's simple. I actually want it. Maybe it's because of this damn sexual frustration and my teenage hormones, maybe it's because this is something I've actually been wanting to do for a while, maybe it's simply because I've had more practice, maybe it's because I have less doubts about you, and maybe it's because I've had more time to get to know you and be comfortable around you and can do this on my terms. Maybe it's a combination of all of them.

I also worry that this is going to actually turn serious at some point. It's kind of likely, given the way even this crept up on us from a little friendship a few months ago. Neither of us could have imagined we'd end up at this point. So maybe neither of us will imagine anything further, but it might happen. You're so much more experienced than me and I worry that I'm already doing things wrong, or differently to how you've come to like them. I know you took some getting used to for me... And the rest of it. It terrifies me. I hope you understand that our first leap is nowhere near as slow as the rest are going to be. Just the thought of any of that makes me want to end this whole thing now.


I'm starting to see you in a different light to before, though. Maybe it's because we've spent a ridiculous amount of time together lately. 3 days' drinking together and a full day today? And another in a couple of days? Maybe once I go back to college and we have a bit of a break from each other I'll start to see you with those rose-tinted glasses again a little more...


I guess I shouldn't be stressing about how any of this seems 'too easy to be true', but of course I am. It's what I do. So long as I remain suspicious, I'm less likely to get hurt, right?



This has been an incoherent jumble of probably repetitive thoughts on this whole situation. And a lot of the word 'maybe'.

This is weird.

It's weird how normal this feels.

When you said nothing needed to change, I didn't realise how right you actually were. This really feels normal. Like the natural progression. It's like there's only one thing we're doing differently to before and, let's be honest, I don't think even that was far off the way we were going. It's just so... I don't even know.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod...

I did something very stupid. VERY stupid.

Everyone was talking about sexual frustration so it was in my mind and I wanted to get it out but not with newface so...

UGH THIS IS VERY BAD I WOULD LIKE IT TO GO AWAY PLEASE.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

I relapsed.

I don't know if I can technically call it that if I'm not really trying to stop, though.
I know you all want me to, but I don't.
I like the way it is and I like the mark it leaves behind.

And it was a really shitty day up to a point.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Well shit.

That was an, err, interesting dream. I think I've spent so long barely sleeping, my subconscious was just so happy to get a look in it didn't even try to be subtle.
I know these things are on my mind, but I'm fairly sure I've been trying to avoid them.

I mean, for one the idiotface part. I'm actually really proud of myself for that one. I was strong and I kept my own dignity. I think this one comes from that time I saw him without expecting it. It actually shocked me so much. But maybe it means I'm finally ready to leave it behind me. I eschewed him and whatnot, no wavering. I didn't run screaming either, so maybe this really is every part of my mind standing up to the whole thing and telling it to fuck off like I did him.
Or maybe it was just because newface was there, making me feel more comfortable and able to say no. But more on that in a minute.

Having two friends there who genuinely were caring about me was a nice feeling. And it really is the truth, they want to be there for me through this whole business. But I also know that it was background noise to stupid newface who's taking all my positive attention. It makes me feel petty and fickle, it really does. I have these two people here who want to help me and be there for me and all of that, and I'm just tuning it out when this shiny new kid on the block comes round. I need to accept that they're selflessly caring about how I am and I need to appreciate it more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it a lot, but it seems to be taking a back seat when it shouldn't. I've known them longer than newface and they definitely care about me more. I need to deal with this.

And then for newface. I have to say I'm not surprised, at all. I've been feeling the urge to do that since at least Saturday and it's been preying on my mind. God knows why though. I think it's at the point again where he's become this generic voice without a name. Not even voice, because lord knows his would definitely give him an identity... He's this person somewhere that's been here for me since he found out and has opened up to me a little, or at least it feels like it. He could just be saying things, of course. But either way he's making me feel like he's genuinely caring for me and about me and that's bound to lower my guard a little. But then again, the want was still there when he was right in front of me so maybe that's not what it is.
I don't think it's so much of him in particular. I think I just want some affection from someone and he's just the closest one to that point right now. But I need to stop projecting this. Quite frankly, I need to get this out of my system before it makes what's happening right now worse or more substantial. Of course, it would help if there were other options.
I think his reaction is also what I'd expect. He doesn't see me that way. Hell, I didn't until this started happening. Those stupid charged moments. Then again, I'm probably imagining the charge. Ugh.

The moral of the story?
Be glad I think I'm done with stupidface and punch him if I see him again.
Accept the help and love of the two people who are probably trying to help me the most.
Be careful with newface because neither of us want another dynamic to this. Find someone to replace him in this god-damn dream, even if they're faceless/nameless.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Sometimes I feel like this is a hospital visit.

Like you come to visit me every day in my bed and treat me like an invalid.

I really don't need special treatment because of this.

I mean, I'd like it if you wanted to talk to me so much because you just did, but I can help but wonder if this is pity talk.

I don't want or need your pity so if that's what it is, I'd like you to stop and treat me how you used to again.

I'm not supposed to be telling you this.

This is what this is here for. To stop me from blurting this shit out to you. You, of all people!
I don't even really know where we stand!

This is exactly what she's telling me to be careful of. Getting too close. Opening myself up to you is only going to make that happen. Don't make me do it. Especially not like this.

I need to pull myself together and stop this because it's only going to damage our friendship.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

One a day.

My new aim. Get something out every day that I've wanted to say.

Today? I have two. They're kind of interlinked.

On a serious note, I haven't regressed since Saturday. Maybe it's because the last one was so big and obvious, or maybe it's because it's actually helping. The urges have been more fleeting, less long lasting. I don't know why exactly it is, but I have a terrible feeling I know. And it shouldn't be.
Well, it's not that bad. But it does not bode well for me. I need to be careful and whatnot.

But I can't base 'recovery' on you being here for me. Because right now it feels wonderful, not only that you care but how close it feels like we're getting. But if/when you lose interest again, I might go right back to where I was. No, I'll be worse.
Ugh I really don't want to be reliant on you. But I don't know why you're having such an influence on this when two people I'm fairly sure are far less likely to leave me didn't seem to quite be making a difference. Well, clearly not hence Saturday.

And you're being so out of character these past few days. In a good way, for me. But I'm not quite sure where this is leading. I wish I had a view into your head. You're so inward with what you're thinking, it's hard to know... I've been getting a few snippets these past few days and it's really nice, but what do I take from them? And how long will they last?

But for now, you're helping. And whilst I don't really want to stop, I know I should. So I should appreciate what you're doing for me whilst it's for the best, and deal with the consequences when they happen.

Wow, I haven't posted here for a while.

I think it was a little hard to come on here, given that at present it reads the failing of a relationship that kind of messed me up a little.
It's also hard to follow that kind of pathetic rambling with anything that feels real or serious.

But these personal posts are good for me. I like to read through them.
And right now I think I need to do some soul searching and writing down my thoughts is probably the easiest way to do that.

So here goes nothing. Part 2.

Here's hoping it's not a trainwreck like the last chapter.