Friday, 14 December 2012

I feel like giving up.

I don't like how quickly my little respite from this has disappeared. I think it's because I'm realising how shallow and pointless it is to lean on it. I think it's also because I need to detach myself from it before I end up getting far too into it.

Also now I've come to realise that over the next 3/4 weeks the one thing that was making me cheerful for the last week won't be around. And the things I was looking forward to are not going to be as great as I thought.

Because who's there for me back home, really? One person? That's all I can properly think of in reality. Someone I didn't think would so abruptly has left completely. Someone else is clearly itching to get rid of me - and let's be honest I have them for quite a while. Another person is pissing me off no end because of their behaviour down here. And the other doesn't really care or provide the support I give them credit for. It's fleeting.

And it's all very well when I go home for the weekends, because none of that matters. When I only have a couple of days it turns into cramming as much in as possible and you don't notice who does or doesn't make the cut, as long as the time is filled. But 3/4 weeks is a very long time. Enough to realise that I have no one left anymore.

I remember when I thought my issue was not having anyone here and all the people I cared about and vice versa being back home. But I somehow managed to come to terms with that. But now the only foundation I had left I'm starting to realise isn't there at all. And I feel like I'm crumbling like a house of cards. Again. I don't have anyone here AND I don't have anyone there. I don't have anyone. Full stop.

It was definitely a blow when I realised I wasn't the only one who wanted out. I mean, sure, it makes my life easier but again it was one of my foundations. One of the things I thought I could count on as reassurance that I'm not worthless or pointless or unloved. But clearly not.

So instead I'll stay at home with my mother who will always manage to find something to be angry with me for, and my father who's already rightfully pissed off at me for irresponsibly spending a load of his money. And it's going to be just like secondary school all over again. Which is possibly the period in my life I most hated. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I really wish happiness lasted longer than it does. I guess I reached my quota. I guess I'm not allowed any more; at least not for a while.

I wish I could learn to just be happy with whatever life throws at me. I used to be good at that. But I guess that's not in the slightest bit easy when you realise that at the end of the day, no one gives a shit if you're happy or sad. No one gives a shit if you're even around anymore. As if anyone would notice if I just... disappeared. And how is it possible to try and be positive when you realise that, despite the best efforts you have in you to make it otherwise, your existence is pretty much utterly pointless.

Thanks. Thanks for everything.

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