Tuesday, 30 July 2013

I have to give you another chance.

This decision has been driving me crazy for the past two weeks.

All I wanted to do after the anger and the upset wore off was to try and work this out. That's the only thing that made sense to me. But at the same time how on earth can I not follow my principles, after how much I put into them?! What credibility do I have if in a situation of my own, all that gets thrown out the window?

I guess the main reason I feel guilty for not wanting to stick by the principles I hold so tightly is that no one else will believe me after it. Everyone I know will look down on me and think of me as some kind of phoney. But why do I care so much what other people think of me?

It's not like I've not forgiven in worse circumstances. At least you apologised. Last time I didn't get anywhere near an apology. And I forgave thrice. Forgiveness always used to be both my weakness and my strength. 

But I'm definitely more strongly opinionated than I was then. And it wouldn't be a grudge, but a matter of principle and consequence, right? It's not like we'd never talk again, we just cut off the side of our friendship that caused the issue. Surely that's the healthiest thing to do. Cut out the bit that's gone wrong. Cut out the cancer before it spreads.

But then again she told me from experience that it can happen. That there should always be a second chance given. That it doesn't mean anything in them has changed except their frame of mind at the time it happened. Just frustration, she said. Surely everyone can get overcome by frustration and lash out at some point? 

So one more chance. I think that's what I have to do. But if it happens again, that's definitely it. I'm no idiot; I'm not going through it three times again. 

Of course all this is assuming you still want to bother. Which it doesn't actually feel like right now. I hope I'm wrong with that instinct. Because I always wanted to be the empowered one that ended this and if I talk about giving you another chance and you turn me down after all this worry; that's the most degrading thing I think could happen to me in this situation.

Maybe there is more to this than I thought.

After first dreaming wishing the incident hadn't happened and that I would forget it, I spend the next night dreaming about him hitting on me and kissing me. What the hell?!

Although I have to admit he also hit on her, too. So really I was thinking of him as the one with no discrimination rather than her. Which I guess is just my mind's way to stop being mad at her. Even though she hasn't exactly done anything to make me not want to believe a lot of it was her. She was straddling him for god's sake!

I guess it's going to take a little while for me to get over. I'm not sure if it was one more straw that broke the camel's back or just a really really heavy straw. It's something I don't think I'll really grasp for a while. Maybe denial, maybe it means opening doors I never thought I'd open and so I have to find them first.

There are a lot of metaphors here.

I think seeing them apart and neither of them talking about the other will be what I need. I can slowly just pack it away in that good old box of stuff I just don't think about. It's not like my no regrets thing because at the end of the day it's not my regret to have. Except maybe introducing them. I guess I'm going to have to work on not regretting that one.

I'll have to think of it in terms of how it's helped me. In any way. Although I don't think it can help me until I finally deal with how I feel about it. And I might put that one off for a while.