Thursday, 20 December 2012

What the fuck do you think gives you the right?!

I have had ENOUGH.

I really cannot be arsed with this shit anymore. What so you think telling every tom dick and harry stuff I say is completely acceptable?

Fuck you.

And I'll have you know I beat you to the whole saying we were already broken up shit. So ha.

It's funny because I have this little gem of information I know will KILL you. But obviously if I fired it then everyone else would say I'm out of order. Bloody morals.

You're a fucking prick. What the hell makes you think you're completely within your right to assume I even WANT to be with you any longer? Jeez dude, just because I'm actually talking to you means NOTHING.

And yeah sure, it'll be nice to know that this whole thing is going to be easier because you've 'come to terms with it', but for god's sake! Yes okay maybe I wanted to be selfish and think that you'd be upset without me, so sue me. At least I'm not as reliant on it as I was before!

And the fact you're just going off to other people you've only just met "oh I'll be single soon" FUCK OFF.

And the funniest part is the whole "I really don't see anything after Christmas" thing, like seriously? Do you really think this is all your decision?? You're trying to be so superior it makes me sick. Oh yeah like you're taking the high road, the objective situation, you're seeing what's best. Shut the fuck up.

This was MY FUCKING IDEA so shut up trying to save face to all these random strangers that really do NOT need to know my business.

I swear to god I'm so likely to lose it.

Monday, 17 December 2012

It's pretty amazing how much better just talking to you has made me feel

I was so torn about whether I was happy to be home or not, because I thought we'd all be distant and everything would be different. But tonight just helped me remember how much I enjoyed being home before and how much I genuinely like being around you. You brought back that sense of friendship and happiness and familiarity that I used to feel. You helped me clear up how I'm feeling.

It's hard to explain why or how you managed it, but it's been so long since I could just hang out with someone and wander around talking about all sorts, especially someone as straight talking as you...

I remembered why I used to think of you as someone I could come to about basically anything, why I liked asking you for advice.

Seriously, thank you for helping me remember why I used to feel secure and happy with my mates here. I'm so glad.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

It already feels like you've left

Even though you're just next door. I'd be so tempted to have asked to stay over tonight as well but I guess three nights in a week is asking too much... Also, we're not drunk and you're leaving early.

I wish I remembered what happened last night. It feels like nothing much but then again I was not clothed when I woke up so something must have...

I'm definitely going to miss the prospect of having you around. I like our little arrangement! And who knows what it'll be like when we get back. Nothing the same, I'm sure of it. 3 weeks is plenty to rethink the whole thing.

It's weird how down the thought of you not being around makes me feel. Maybe it's more what my hormones think about the prospect of not having a guy to release themselves on... I'm even tempted to stay up until you leave so we can have one last cig together. But that's probably a bad idea. We already said bye.

Ugh I wish I knew where you stood. Am I being irrational here? What's wrong with me?!

Jeez I really didn't think I was going to miss uni so much over this break but I already kinda don't want to leave. It might just be because the past week or so has been so laid back and obviously, our new thing has been a very nice pick me up.

I just realised I started moaning about life last night. Oh god! I must have completely freaked you out! No one wants to listen to someone moaning! Much less be friends with someone who does! I'm an idiot.

Wish I could get a hug from you though. Or just anyone I guess... But you give good hugs.
Hey, I do have a key to your house... :P

Friday, 14 December 2012


I'm glad I somehow managed to cheer myself up a tiny bit. I guess a bit of human interaction was what I needed, just to remember that even I guess superficial relationships are better than nothing. Also I realised tumblr text posts help me forget whatever is going on in my life for a tiny while whilst I chuckle.

It was pretty good timing that you wanted to come out when you did, I was too scared to ask in case I felt clingy. And I'm sorry I guess I cut it short but I was cold :/

It's weird though. That I can talk to him more easily than with you. I don't know if it's just a coincidence because of the timing or if it's tension or just generally conversational styles... I'd always kind of thought it but it was weird to see it plain in front of me.

I might be looking into it too much. But it kind of felt like you were a little more open after he left... Idk.

However it kind of put this stuff into perspective a bit. I think.

This makes no sense. MIND JUMBLE.

I wonder if anything will happen tomorrow. It seems unlikely if you're leaving on Saturday but who knows...

I feel like giving up.

I don't like how quickly my little respite from this has disappeared. I think it's because I'm realising how shallow and pointless it is to lean on it. I think it's also because I need to detach myself from it before I end up getting far too into it.

Also now I've come to realise that over the next 3/4 weeks the one thing that was making me cheerful for the last week won't be around. And the things I was looking forward to are not going to be as great as I thought.

Because who's there for me back home, really? One person? That's all I can properly think of in reality. Someone I didn't think would so abruptly has left completely. Someone else is clearly itching to get rid of me - and let's be honest I have them for quite a while. Another person is pissing me off no end because of their behaviour down here. And the other doesn't really care or provide the support I give them credit for. It's fleeting.

And it's all very well when I go home for the weekends, because none of that matters. When I only have a couple of days it turns into cramming as much in as possible and you don't notice who does or doesn't make the cut, as long as the time is filled. But 3/4 weeks is a very long time. Enough to realise that I have no one left anymore.

I remember when I thought my issue was not having anyone here and all the people I cared about and vice versa being back home. But I somehow managed to come to terms with that. But now the only foundation I had left I'm starting to realise isn't there at all. And I feel like I'm crumbling like a house of cards. Again. I don't have anyone here AND I don't have anyone there. I don't have anyone. Full stop.

It was definitely a blow when I realised I wasn't the only one who wanted out. I mean, sure, it makes my life easier but again it was one of my foundations. One of the things I thought I could count on as reassurance that I'm not worthless or pointless or unloved. But clearly not.

So instead I'll stay at home with my mother who will always manage to find something to be angry with me for, and my father who's already rightfully pissed off at me for irresponsibly spending a load of his money. And it's going to be just like secondary school all over again. Which is possibly the period in my life I most hated. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I really wish happiness lasted longer than it does. I guess I reached my quota. I guess I'm not allowed any more; at least not for a while.

I wish I could learn to just be happy with whatever life throws at me. I used to be good at that. But I guess that's not in the slightest bit easy when you realise that at the end of the day, no one gives a shit if you're happy or sad. No one gives a shit if you're even around anymore. As if anyone would notice if I just... disappeared. And how is it possible to try and be positive when you realise that, despite the best efforts you have in you to make it otherwise, your existence is pretty much utterly pointless.

Thanks. Thanks for everything.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

I don't think I can even word how happy I am that something went right for a change

Everything went the way I hoped it would. Actually, it went better. A lot better.

I was so close to giving up hope! And now something's actually taken a positive turn! It's quite unbelievable!

And it managed to go the way I dared to want without me reverting back to how I was then. It's actually maintained my own dignity as well as me being able to enjoy the same pleasures. In fact, far better. There's respect and mutual levels of interest...

Ugh it's just turned out so well; I'm afraid something's going to have to go wrong soon :/

But until it does, I'm going to enjoy this little ray of hope the world has given me.

Because it's been really awesome. :)

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Friday night was unbelievably enjoyable

I'd like to go back to then please. That would be very nice.

All of it.

At least I have my shoulder mark as a reminder :P