I hate you.

Physically. The thought of you actually makes me angry. The sight of you makes me want to scream.

I don't know why I ever believed you were half decent. God knows enough people told me otherwise.

I should have shouted at you more. But it just felt like there was nothing left to say. Nothing worth my time saying. You're not worth my time any more.

I'm not mourning the end of 'us'. Not at all. I certainly lost any feelings I had for you a long time ago. I think I knew we weren't going to work out anyway. It's ironic that the thing you said were thinking about me was exactly what was going through my mind about you. Hell, I even wrote it on here. I should tell you that. The reason I hate you is because of who you are and how you've handled this entire situation.

You were hard to finally get to face me. I'm glad we had that conversation. Finally. It feels like I can properly put you behind me now. I'm glad I was able to make you aware of my biggest problem with the way the situation panned out. I'm glad you had some remorse for it. And I'm glad I got you to admit somewhat how much of a complete idiot you have been; despite how much I had to drag it out of you, away from your numerous excuses and bullshit.

The main reason I hate you so much is because I just can't stand the thought that you get away with treating people like this so much. Because it's not just me. And you say you've changed, but you know as well as everyone else that you haven't. It's another one of your lies to cover yourself up.

One day it's going to come back to you. And I really hope I get a ringside seat to watch.


I hope you die alone in a very deep hole.

The worst part about this fucked up situation is that I actually still miss you.

I can say all I want, but even though you've been a complete prick to me and don't even think I'm worthy of a conversation, when I think about us being together it still makes me happy. Some of our conversations still make me feel good. 

And that makes me feel like shit, because after all that you left me so quickly. Right now, seeing you is so hard because I'm torn between the side of me that genuinely wants to spit at you at the sight of your face, and the other side of me that remembers how good it was when we were 'us'.

Why the hell did you have to fuck with my head like this?

I don't think there's anything left in me.

Not to care about you. It's all gone. Leaked out of the cracks you made.

I'm not going to pretend it wasn't a little painful when you didn't deny moving on so fast, but it was exactly what I thought. And if nothing else, this entire thing has proved that I'm quite often right in my hunches about you, right?

Seeing you didn't make me feel anything again. Just got annoyed by your face. It's a good sign in terms of me moving on. I'm just angry at you for acting like a prick about this whole thing.

Tomorrow will show, I guess. We'll find out exactly how much bullshit you're prepared to spew. No way am I making it easy for you.

I'm trying to pretend you didn't hurt me.

I know I'm lying to myself. To everyone around me. And I'm not fooling anyone.
You've really hurt me. I keep seeing you around and it genuinely affects me. You don't even care that I exist. I'm not even worth a conversation, am I? You replied and then you stopped. And you wondered why I was surprised?!
But I don't want to be that girl. The one who can get hurt because of a stupid failed relationship. I'm stronger than that. I have bigger issues to worry about. If more serious things don't affect me, why can this?
I know a main part of why you hurt me was the way this whole thing panned out. This ended exactly the same way I said it would. Right at the beginning. And you all told me I was being stupid and paranoid and cynical about the world. How could I experience life if I didn't give you a chance? Pshh. They didn't realise I had you figured out. But nonetheless you all wore me down until I let you in. And it ended the exact way I expected.
I hope you're happy the way you are. I hope you at least got some enjoyment out of this whole thing. A little closure, that's all I wanted, but you're clearly not up for that. One conversation. I have so much to say to you but clearly you're too coward to hear it. I don't expect anything to change, just to get these things off my chest so I can move on.
For someone who doesn't like it when people don't like you, you sure have a lot of enemies. And I'm not surprised. You can't treat people the way you do and then pull out the vulnerable card when it seems like it's going to go wrong. I don't care what your stupid issue was, you owed me the respect of a conversation. But no.
I'm going to get this conversation out of you, even if it means cornering you in a stairwell. No way are you going to carry on like this.

I found my notebook from 2 years ago.

I remember it not being a good time for me, but I didn't realise exactly how bad it was. Some of the things I wrote in there are shocking. It's both upsetting and relieving to know I went through that time. But I came out the other side.

The worst part is I'm starting to relate to it all again. Please don't let me sink back to that place.

i only came on here because you asked me to

I don't like to come online in this state but i wanted to make sure you knoew i was okay like you asked so I ccame on and omg typling is so gucking difficult who knew
i kept wanting to kiss you today what is that aviut i don't even like you that way,
please forget tonihy i'm ovberly fuvked and this isn;'t appropriate,
shit,. i want a cigarette.

Why does nothing satisfy you?

I don't understand what your problem is. Of course, that might just be because you'd never talk to me to tell me your problem.

I know what you want out of the mess that is/was this situation is her friendship back. Not mine. You couldn't care less about my friendship. You had your fill of that one. If nothing else, your unwillingness to accept any kind of reconciliation shows that. But hers, well hers is something you miss. You talked to her about everything and she understood. I don't blame you for wanting it back, she's an amazing person. But what is it exactly you want from me? I can't force her to forgive you for everything. You've hurt her badly, and I can't do anything about that.

I haven't wronged you in any way and you know it. So why do you insist on criticising everything I do or say? Why can't you either leave me alone or move on from this? What have I done at all that's deserved your hostility? I'm tired of this stupid argument you seem to feel the need to try and create. I leave you alone and you can't be doing with that. I've tried to show you there is nothing to argue about but clearly that's not enough for you either. Is there any possible way to win with you or do you just expect me to accept that you're never happy?

Help can come from the most unexpected places sometimes.

Thank you. So much.

I really didn't think talking about everything would help so much. Heaven knows I hate doing it. But it really did. And you listened to me, and you tried to help. In fact, I think you gave me some not bad advice.

I feel better already. Much better.

After what happened before, I really didn't think our friendship would follow through. But it clearly has. You've genuinely been there for me and I value that a lot. Next time, I hope I can help you.

I don't get you.

Your mood swings are just confusing me.

One minute you're all go, the next you're blanking me, the next you want to take everything slowly, and now you really care?

It didn't sound like you meant to back off because you wanted to make it last. It sounded like you wanted an easy way out. Were you just trying to get the sympathy and support of 'the best mate'?

I'm still assuming the same. If I don't expect you to be telling the truth, I can't get hurt if you're not.
If you are? Well we'll come to that if necessary.

Right now it sounds like you need to work on sorting yourself out before you come and pull me into it anyway.

Nothing like your best friend going missing to distract you from yourself.

She left Sunday morning, texted her dad that she was with me on Sunday evening and she's still not home.
I've not heard from her since Saturday night.
I don't have a clue where she is.

Her phone's off.
I really hope she gets in touch soon. Just to know she's alright would be enough.

Your 'We need to talk' isn't so scary when I've spent the week preparing.

You can't honestly believe I expected this week to be ignored like a blip. We both knew whilst it was happening that it showed a pretty big problem going on here. If you hadn't said something, I would have. Eventually.

It's a good thing I spent this week getting my detachment back. Because otherwise your little revelation probably would have ended up putting me in a pretty deep rut. But it's good, because I went through my rut on my own. No one around to wonder why, or even notice all that much. And I went through it pre-emptively, meaning it hurts a lot less.

And it's a good thing you realised you wanted out sooner rather than later. Well, even sooner probably would have been nicer for me, but it's all good. This week was actually just what I needed, clearly, to protect myself from whatever you're next planning to hit me with.

It means I actually get out of this relatively okay.

And I can have the victory of being right about the whole thing. Again.

I just wish you hadn't told me now. My focus is all gone from where I buried it in my work. Damn you.

BLEURGH.

d[pjweoia09hnilhjWNRFAS09JOI;LK

That's all I can say about how I feel right now.

I thought I was feeling better this morning, but I guess not.

Musical Therapy. That's what I need.

Listening to a ridiculous amount of music will always help me feel better about something.

That and burying myself in work. I can do that too; if I ever find the motivation. Then again my work is one of the things bringing me down, so maybe that wouldn't help at all.

Films aren't working this time though. It's a shame.

Please piss off.

Like seriously. Go away. Now, please.

Stop existing.

I wish Facebook would stop telling me you're online.

It's not like it's allowing me to forget the fact you're practically blanking me. I don't WANT to be stressing about it as much as I am; please stop shoving it in my face.

I'm fairly sure I'm not being paranoid here. I allowed for that, but this is ridiculous. This is more than that time you stopped talking to me; and that was obviously purposeful. In fact, I think we talked more then.

You've clearly not been too busy, since you found enough time to go out last night anyway. And you're not even responding to messages which get sent directly to you - ergo this is purposeful.

What is even going on here? Was this the idea all along? Reel me in and then laugh as you threw me back? What? Or maybe you just got bored. Already. If so, I have to say I'm impressed.

But I'm not going to be pushed around like this. I have every right to be annoyed, and I will be. You should know I'm not going to take this sort of treatment lying down. I'm not just a convenience for you; around when it's suitable. To think I actually believed you when you said this was important to you...

Pshh maybe things were going too well; I'm not allowed any sort of happiness for long.

I'm fed up of everyone assuming I'm going to do well.

I'm genuinely worried about this exam. I'm really finding it difficult. And I'm not saying it so people will compliment me, I honestly don't think I'm going to do well.
I'm not just being defeatist, I genuinely want to do whatever I can to change that fact, but right now I'm really not sure it's going to end well at all...
So please can you all STOP assuming I'm worrying about nothing, because I'm NOT.

He texts me something happy every day.

He learns my favourite songs on guitar because he knows I love it
He memorises everything I tell him about myself
He goes out of his way to see me when he gets let out

And I'm supposed to hurt him for you. I don't know how I'm expected to do that.

I don't think this is going to last.

I think the real reason I don't want to tell him is because I really don't know if it's worth it.
I can make excuses about not knowing the right way and his feelings, but I think the genuine reason is because I don't honestly think this is long term enough to merit it.
What happens if I tell him this week, and we end the week after?

I know you're stressing about where I'm going to uni next year, but I genuinely don't feel like we can last that long. You don't have that kind of track record. And as similar as we are in some respects, we're completely different people. I get tedious over long periods of time. You're going to want to move on. Hell, I'M probably going to want to move on.

I guess I still don't trust you enough to believe you when you say this is something you're actually thinking about seriously. It's hard to do when I don't see you in days and it kind of feels like you're not making any kind of effort. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I'm hormonal. But I can't deny that sometimes it really does feel like we're only together when it's convenient. And that's not really the kind of relationship that's going to last.

What's the point in breaking the kid's spirit for something not even nearly as strong?

I hope you realise you broke me.

I was happy and detached from life before. I liked my breezy outlook on everything. I was calm, collected; not much bothered me. I wouldn't lie, no matter what. I was completely face-value.

Now I'm starting to feel again; get angry, frustrated, embarrassed. Lying is tempting its way back into my life. I feel like I can be hurt again. I'm not enjoying what is; I'm looking forwards all the time. I'm threatening to become myself a few years ago. There is a reason I changed.

I'm not saying I don't love this new phase, but I do miss the old, simple me. She was a version of myself I could finally be somewhat happy with.

So it actually did go right?

Really? Is this my life?

Something must be about to go wrong... Surely?

I think I have to face it.

If I don't like him yet, I'm probably not going to.

...

At least, I think I don't like him. I don't get butterflies when I think of him or spending time with him. I thought that was the fundamental defining thing about liking someone. Or maybe it's just exaggeration. Maybe the truth is that butterflies aren't actually real, or they're not common at least.

Maybe I really am just thinking this whole thing through with my head and not really letting myself feel anything, but I can't deny all the reasons that this is a bad idea. I don't want to tell him though. I now know for a fact we will not see each other so much if I do. And even if I don't want anything to happen with him, I really do enjoy spending time with him.

And he actually snakes his arms around my waist exactly the way I love.

Ellie says I should make you wait.

I always think to ask Ellie when these things happen. I don't even know why. I think it's because she has a bluntly honest policy which is exactly what I want when I'm asking for advice. Also for the detachment factor.

I told her a brief run-down of 'the story'. I didn't mention the three week hiccough though. She says I should make you wait a while. Make sure you really know what I'm about before letting anything happen. In a way I think you already know a lot of the things she said you should be finding out about me, but I'm going to take her advice. After all, it's kind of exactly what I've been saying this whole time.

She also told me not to be scared. That's not so easily done. I'm actually genuinely terrified about this. Because there's only so long we can skirt around this. Sooner or later, you're going to get fed up or it's going to happen. I think I want the second but I really am genuinely terrified of it. And I don't know how I'm going to get more comfortable with the idea. 

Drink, anyone?

I still don't exactly feel like you were telling the truth.

Maybe I'm being over-sensitive and overly paranoid, but you can't blame me if I find it just a little difficult to trust you again. Even if what you're telling me is true, I almost feel like you only mean it when I'm around.
"Oh there she is, she's quite nice isn't she?"
I know it's only been a couple of days, but it just feels as if it's half-hearted when we're talking online, you don't seem exactly interested to talk to me. It's kind of the same way you were talking to me over the past 3 weeks. I thought you were doing less of the backing off now?
Perhaps it really is my paranoid and trust issues shining through; you've made yourself somewhat of a grey spot for me.
But given your past, and the past three weeks, I feel a little like I'm just a convenience. This is why I was cautious then, and I think it's coming back to be another reason to be cautious now.
But then again, what would I know?

Okay, so now I'm confused.

Apparently it was a misunderstanding. It seems like such a convincing argument...
But what if you're lying?
"I'm so good at lying, people are less likely to believe me when I'm telling the truth"
Not really a reason for me to trust you, is it?

But at the same time, I really want to. She's not making it up when she says we'll probably be pretty good together. We probably would.
I'm still scared though. I don't know if I'm ready to go into anything just yet. But I don't think you'll wait around for long. There's only so many times you'll ask before you'll just give up.

I want to talk to you.

I need to get this off my chest. And I need to tell this to you. You need to hear it.

You might be one of those people who likes to know a lot of people. You like getting to know a load of people at the same time, you like being able to flit between groups of people. You like to keep your options open.
I can't do that. I'm just not bothered with idle chitchat and surely that's all you can do if you don't know people that well? I like to have a few people around me that know me well, than just be able to wave to a lot of people in the corridor. I like to get to know one person at a time, and know them really well. You don't work that way.
You must have caught me on a bad week or something, because I was doubting myself. But I was wrong. I am the way I am because I like it. It makes me happy. I choose not to talk to a lot of people. I choose not to stand in the smoking area all day making conversation with random people. I like the way I am and the way I am with friendship.
And you're the only one apart from Awkward Guy that has ever really found any kind of problem with the way I talk to people, so clearly my conversational skills are not that poorly lacking. Yeah, sure the things she said were true, but she admits it doesn't mean I'm hard to talk to.
But I digress.
My point is, we're different kinds of friends. We both knew this. I even mentioned it, in fact. I'm alright with that. Just because I don't like to go around not really knowing most people a tonne, but being able to hang out with a ridiculous amount, doesn't mean I can have friends like that. I don't mind being one of those people you see around and say hi to, but not really anyone special. The thing that's pissed me off is the way you went about this.
"Oh you'll get bored of me soon enough. This walking is far too much effort for you, you'll get fed up." That wasn't just me being modest or cynical or pessimistic or trying to fish for some kind of compliment. It was me telling you the truth. Because that's always how it happens. And I'm completely fine with it, I've dealt with that.
"Oh no way, I wouldn't. I'll show you, in a month we'll still be doing this. I like spending time with you and that's not going to change any time soon." Lies. Lies, lies lies. Maybe you didn't even realise it at the time, I don't know. But in the end you did exactly what I first expected from you. I suppose on the one hand it bugs me for starting to believe you. You were so adamant I was wrong, I guess I thought maybe you were an exception. For sure, no one had put in as much effort to talk to me as you did at that point.
The crazy thing is, it was the very next day that this started.
I wouldn't even be this bothered if you'd actually given me the courtesy to tell me you'd 'changed your mind'. I keep using that phrase because it sounds nicer in my head than 'gotten bored with me'. But you could have just given me some notice, and I could just move on with my day, deal with it. But you didn't. You acted completely normal and then didn't bother to wait for me, and haven't spoken to me since. Not even that, you lied to me about that day, pretending you had an excuse. You did not 'jet off', you were sat with a load of people for ages. And I saw you later on your bike just hanging out at the crossing. So don't give me that.
"Oh I don't see you around anymore!" More lies. Of course you do. I'm not acting in any way different to how I was the first week. And if you genuinely don't, it's because you're not looking. That first week, you must have been actively seeking me out, because you came up to me wherever we were in relation. You dropped conversation to come talk to me. And I know for sure you saw me today.
And it's not even like I've been demoted to average friend. I'm lower than that even. You won't come over any more at all, you don't talk... What's even going on?! Do I not at least deserve an explanation or a warning of some kind? No?
You know yourself. You should have known yourself well enough to know this would be what you'd do. Or maybe you were just lying to me long enough to work out if I was going to be an easy addition to your list. Maybe it really is as simple as the story I told to someone. It was literally you waiting for some kind of answer then moving on in search of the easiest yes you could find. If so, I'm glad. I really don't want to be friends with someone who is like that. I certainly wouldn't want to let myself get close to them.

ARGH. Out of that entire week did you not pick up the most fundamental thing about me? I'd rather you told me you got bored of me than this ridiculous behaviour. I wouldn't even be mad at you if you had. At all.

There's more I wanted to say, but it's slipped my mind and, quite frankly, I don't want to try and remember it right now.

You're such a hypocrite it's unbelievable.

What the hell do you think gives you the right to criticize me for something you do yourself?!
No one asked you to cyberstalk me. Leave me alone.
If you have a problem with what I do, then ignore me. And if you have something to say to me then say it right to me.
Funnily enough I haven't been talking to or about you all the time. Just because you think the world revolves around you doesn't mean it actually does.
In fact, if anything you have been getting annoyed with YOURSELF. Ugh for goodness sake it's not MY fault you are incapable of keeping a good friend.
I've stopped being bothered.

I can't even think of the words.

God knows I'm rubbish at talking about myself or how I'm feeling. This was supposed to be helping that.
But I'm feeling ridiculously awful and I can't explain it.

I thought it was just shark week; you know, hormones. But I think there's something else to it. But I don't want it to be what I'm thinking it might be. I'm stronger than that. Really.

I don't get worked up over this kind of thing. It was a week. a week. Yes, it was a brilliant week, but only 5 days. Not even that, 4. 4 DAYS.
What the hell is wrong with me? How did I manage to let you get this much into my head when I've known you for such a short time?
I want to hate you for that.

I'm not kidding when I say I'm trying to give up on you though. I really don't want to be this worked up over you. You're this kind of person and I think I always knew it. I thought seeing you would make me less fed up, but it didn't. And that's how I know that I'm genuinely bothered. And that I'm also doing a better job of leaving you behind me.

Plus you clearly lied to me. I really can't be doing with that. And even if what you told me wasn't a lie, the context was. You did not 'jet off' that day, and we both know it. You just wanted to be with other people. The least you could have done is told me you changed your mind. I would have been fine then. At least you would have been up front. Pssh.

I got 4 days of your time, and thanks for that.
I guess I'll just see you around.

I realise now that you're the new him.

I know it's making parallels in my own life that aren't strictly true, but I can see it so clearly right now.
It's like the cycle all over again, and knowing you, I'm going to end up hurt.
For three months we were each other's everything. And yes, I'm not even going to deny it; I was the best goddamn friend he's had! The people he's surrounded himself with are liars and cheaters and just genuine idiots, they don't respect him at all and in their way, it's changed him. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again. I miss the old him. But there's nothing I can do about it now. He likes who he is and he's somewhat happy with his friendships.
But I can't go around just knowing a few people, I'm one who needs a close friendship. I need to know I have someone to talk to when I'm feeling like crap, not some people who I can go sit with on a good day. You can. You do. It's how you work. And I'm fairly sure, just like him, in a month or so, you will be over this thing and you will move on. It's probably not worth your while not to anyway.
I spent the entire weekend trying to work out if you were worth letting my guard down, starting to trust.
I realise now that I don't feel like you are. I don't think anyone is. I guess I'm pretty cynical. You said yourself that I shouldn't base my trusts now on what happened in the past, but I can't help it. I don't know if I'll find anyone worth the trust anymore. And that's my own issue. But today really sort of brought it home for me.
Yes, okay it's a little overreaction for what happened, but any time anything like this happens again, no matter how small, I'm most likely going to respond like this. And I can't help it. So you should probably just walk away now before it gets any worse for either of us.
Oh, and I'm rethinking London. I guess we'll see on Wednesday.

I don't know whether trusting you is worth it.

There's so many reasons for me to trust you. You haven't given me any reason not to, anyway. Not that I know of. Though I guess I wouldn't...
And I know we have a great time together. I get on better with you than most people I know. And that's strange because I've only known you a week.
You seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with me. It's something new.

But then again, the speed with which you've fallen for me is a reminder of how quickly you could forget me. Doesn't it show how quickly you can move from person to person, feeling to feeling?
Not to forget your past. Your list is long. Very long. And mine is non-existent.
You have a reputation of moving on fast. I know you told me not to listen, but how can I not? And whatever your reasons are, I don't think this particular aspect is a lie. It's no secret that you don't do long term. It's also no secret that you like to be with someone. I refuse to be just another name on your list.
And maybe you say that you really like me. But you really liked all of the others at some point. For you, really liking something can be easy and temporary; for me it's hard and long-lasting. For a few years my motto has been 'never be more involved than the other person'. I don't think I am right now, but what if I become it? What if I end up becoming far too wrapped up in you?
If I let my guard down, there's a risk of it. A high chance; I know how I get.

After that first night, I already planned my speech for you if you tried again. I didn't want to be with anyone. I wasn't looking for that. Shouldn't I stick with my instincts?
But then again, I didn't know you as well then. I didn't enjoy your company so much. You weren't spending your own time to walk home with me, even though it made your journey so much longer. Something tells me that if I tell you I don't want anything, you'll stop and won't want to spend so much time with me. And I genuinely do enjoy spending time with you. But I'm fairly sure you'll be looking for someone else to be something more than friends with. How am I to know you're not acting like this with someone else, even right now?
Isn't there the potential, though? The potential for something really good, even if it's just for a month or two? Isn't it about time I experienced this? I've been told all my life that it's worth it, surely it must be?

I guess I just need more time to tell.

This new blogger dash is strange

It's telling me I have a ridiculous amount of pageviews for a blog no one knows about...

This is the most secure I've felt in a while.

I completely believe that dreams tell us so much about our subconscious and how we really feel. I really have worked through a lot of personal stuff by listening to my dreams.

I had one of the most hopeful dreams I've had in a while the other night. It was really nice and it's stuck with me. I mean, for the entire thing I was completely distressed and practically bawling and screaming, but the difference was that at the end, there were actually people who were worried about me.

I know there were a lot of other issues in it I need to deal with, but the end has really stuck with me. Usually in dreams I'm by myself, but in this one there were people - only about 4 or so but it was still amazing - who were actually worried for me and caring. I guess it shows how much better I've been feeling lately.

For the first time,

I think I'm actually starting to believe what you say.

I've realised

It's much easier to kid myself I'm being included when I don't try to get involved.

I should go tomorrow.

It'll give me some kind of inclusion. And maybe recognition?

You know, if the plans don't miraculously fail again.... *ahem.

Maybe I was being paranoid

Or maybe you just got over it eventually...

Being on the internet actually upsets me now.

It's amazing how the one place that used to be my respite, my sanctuary, is actually now the place that makes me feel worst right now.

Clearly my bed is the only place I can feel alright.

I just don't understand

How some people can be so unthoughtful, ungrateful and two-faced and yet still come out the other side better off. It's constantly there; everywhere is society. The manipulators win out. It's infuriating.

The worst part is when no one else sees their schemes and their stories. Oh yeah great, just worship her, why don't you. That's a great plan. Because she's really completely perfect. Yeah sure.

ARGHWEFWFIEWEIFNKLWEM:L

It's a good thing no one cares enough to check this.

I need somewhere to put stuff when I feel like ranting. Somewhere no one will check that I know who will get offended for some reason or other . I can't just write it out in a book, I lose any form of journal as soon as I start it. And I want to keep it so I can read it through and hopefully feel better.

I figure I may as well put this account to good use then.

More Musings

I feel like I need to start writing down what’s going on in my head. I’m very creative so maybe I need to pour this angst into something material.
So yes, I admit, I’ve been giving him special treatment. I’m not quite sure why. Actually, that’s a lie. I know why. Sort of. Whenever I meet new people, I try and find whatever way I can to connect with them, make them want to be my friend. I’ll find as many ways to contact them, conversation starters and what have you. I’m just not sure whether this is the same, or something more.

I can’t deny that the other night was a lot of fun... well, what I remember of it. Good experience and all. ‘I strike again’ sort of moment though. I don’t know how he feels about it. I don’t think he will tell me. He says he enjoyed himself too, but isn’t he supposed to say that? I was the fragile little drunk girl he’d agreed to look after. I’m amazed he stayed with me that long. If he really did enjoy it, I wonder if he’d ever do it again. Will he leave by to myself if there’s another time?

I do wonder whether they’re right when they say he wanted something to happen though. I’m not sure I know enough about him or his past to know if he was just after the skirt that was with him, or he genuinely wanted me. I’d like to think it was the latter, but my instinct tells me it’s the first. It makes sense. I vaguely recall him telling me something along the lines of him liking me in some way, and me being repetitive in my answering. I really wish I could remember what he was saying though. Plus, alcohol can drive a lot of untrue things to be said. There’s also a lot more I don’t even vaguely recall. There might be something weird in that one. They say they noticed him around me the whole night, and I’ll admit it seemed like he was hovering around me somewhat, but that seemed like coincidence more than anything. And yes he was sort of feeding me drink, but only because I asked for it. I don’t want to look too deeply into something imagined or forced together from fuzzy memories.

The best way for me to know how I feel is experience. I realise this now. I didn’t know how I felt before because I’d only had one side. I think we need to spend another evening like last time around each other, and see how it pans out. If I’m aware of what the circumstances are in my own head, then I might be able to pick up on stuff better. I need to talk to him in person too, and see if it’s just a clouded judgement by alcohol. Maybe I should have gone to his party, seen what happened there. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to get to him though. He didn’t seem that bothered about me being there, so I figured it wasn’t too important to him. I guess I won’t know if I was right... I do need to know where I stand myself though. It really might just be the excitement of a new friend, a new contact, rather than anything else. I need to find out how much of an extent this stretches to.

If it does turn out that he likes me, though, I still don’t know what I’d do. The stories I’ve heard about him... Granted they’re not actually large in numbers; only one or two, and likely exaggerated as well. But even so, I find myself believing them quite easily. I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with him. I don’t think it’d work. I remember in the aftermath of the other night considering the idea of friends who mess around, but then again, that’s the part I’m worst at. Plus I don’t think I’d be able to do anything with him whilst sober. It’d be weird. Add in the fact that I don’t think we’re even officially allowed to call each other ‘friends’ yet, and I’m fairly sure that plan is a no-go. Probably something he’s better suited to though.

I guess all I can do is wait really. Wait for the right event to come along, or the right people. And, you know, the right amount of alcohol. I have a feeling this needs to begin with large amounts of it.

Maybe I’m only creating this because my mind wants something new to occupy it, but I don’t think so. I’m worried I’m going to get too involved in it though. I know when I think about stuff enough, my mind distorts it. My memories could be changing him into a completely different person, simply because it’s choosing to see him that way. I don’t want this to end up not working out and me having to pull myself out of it if I get too deep. It’s easier to stay casual about it when there isn’t a long wait before me starting to figure out something is different and me being able to confirm it. Or maybe it’d be better if I hadn’t started to build this theory in my head; stayed oblivious to any possibility.

Ugh I don’t know. We’ll just have to see how it goes.

Clicking save is going to be so strange.

Wow.

Lack of postage here.

Try here instead, yeah?