Wednesday, 22 June 2011

More Musings

I feel like I need to start writing down what’s going on in my head. I’m very creative so maybe I need to pour this angst into something material.
So yes, I admit, I’ve been giving him special treatment. I’m not quite sure why. Actually, that’s a lie. I know why. Sort of. Whenever I meet new people, I try and find whatever way I can to connect with them, make them want to be my friend. I’ll find as many ways to contact them, conversation starters and what have you. I’m just not sure whether this is the same, or something more.
I can’t deny that the other night was a lot of fun... well, what I remember of it. Good experience and all. ‘I strike again’ sort of moment though. I don’t know how he feels about it. I don’t think he will tell me. He says he enjoyed himself too, but isn’t he supposed to say that? I was the fragile little drunk girl he’d agreed to look after. I’m amazed he stayed with me that long. If he really did enjoy it, I wonder if he’d ever do it again. Will he leave by to myself if there’s another time?
I do wonder whether they’re right when they say he wanted something to happen though. I’m not sure I know enough about him or his past to know if he was just after the skirt that was with him, or he genuinely wanted me. I’d like to think it was the latter, but my instinct tells me it’s the first. It makes sense. I vaguely recall him telling me something along the lines of him liking me in some way, and me being repetitive in my answering. I really wish I could remember what he was saying though. Plus, alcohol can drive a lot of untrue things to be said. There’s also a lot more I don’t even vaguely recall. There might be something weird in that one. They say they noticed him around me the whole night, and I’ll admit it seemed like he was hovering around me somewhat, but that seemed like coincidence more than anything. And yes he was sort of feeding me drink, but only because I asked for it. I don’t want to look too deeply into something imagined or forced together from fuzzy memories.
The best way for me to know how I feel is experience. I realise this now. I didn’t know how I felt before because I’d only had one side. I think we need to spend another evening like last time around each other, and see how it pans out. If I’m aware of what the circumstances are in my own head, then I might be able to pick up on stuff better. I need to talk to him in person too, and see if it’s just a clouded judgement by alcohol. Maybe I should have gone to his party, seen what happened there. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to get to him though. He didn’t seem that bothered about me being there, so I figured it wasn’t too important to him. I guess I won’t know if I was right... I do need to know where I stand myself though. It really might just be the excitement of a new friend, a new contact, rather than anything else. I need to find out how much of an extent this stretches to.
If it does turn out that he likes me, though, I still don’t know what I’d do. The stories I’ve heard about him... Granted they’re not actually large in numbers; only one or two, and likely exaggerated as well. But even so, I find myself believing them quite easily. I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with him. I don’t think it’d work. I remember in the aftermath of the other night considering the idea of friends who mess around, but then again, that’s the part I’m worst at. Plus I don’t think I’d be able to do anything with him whilst sober. It’d be weird. Add in the fact that I don’t think we’re even officially allowed to call each other ‘friends’ yet, and I’m fairly sure that plan is a no-go. Probably something he’s better suited to though.
I guess all I can do is wait really. Wait for the right event to come along, or the right people. And, you know, the right amount of alcohol. I have a feeling this needs to begin with large amounts of it.
Maybe I’m only creating this because my mind wants something new to occupy it, but I don’t think so. I’m worried I’m going to get too involved in it though. I know when I think about stuff enough, my mind distorts it. My memories could be changing him into a completely different person, simply because it’s choosing to see him that way. I don’t want this to end up not working out and me having to pull myself out of it if I get too deep. It’s easier to stay casual about it when there isn’t a long wait before me starting to figure out something is different and me being able to confirm it. Or maybe it’d be better if I hadn’t started to build this theory in my head; stayed oblivious to any possibility.
Ugh I don’t know. We’ll just have to see how it goes.

Clicking save is going to be so strange.

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