Tuesday, 29 November 2011

I'm trying to pretend you didn't hurt me.

I know I'm lying to myself. To everyone around me. And I'm not fooling anyone.
You've really hurt me. I keep seeing you around and it genuinely affects me. You don't even care that I exist. I'm not even worth a conversation, am I? You replied and then you stopped. And you wondered why I was surprised?!
But I don't want to be that girl. The one who can get hurt because of a stupid failed relationship. I'm stronger than that. I have bigger issues to worry about. If more serious things don't affect me, why can this?
I know a main part of why you hurt me was the way this whole thing panned out. This ended exactly the same way I said it would. Right at the beginning. And you all told me I was being stupid and paranoid and cynical about the world. How could I experience life if I didn't give you a chance? Pshh. They didn't realise I had you figured out. But nonetheless you all wore me down until I let you in. And it ended the exact way I expected.
I hope you're happy the way you are. I hope you at least got some enjoyment out of this whole thing. A little closure, that's all I wanted, but you're clearly not up for that. One conversation. I have so much to say to you but clearly you're too coward to hear it. I don't expect anything to change, just to get these things off my chest so I can move on.
For someone who doesn't like it when people don't like you, you sure have a lot of enemies. And I'm not surprised. You can't treat people the way you do and then pull out the vulnerable card when it seems like it's going to go wrong. I don't care what your stupid issue was, you owed me the respect of a conversation. But no.
I'm going to get this conversation out of you, even if it means cornering you in a stairwell. No way are you going to carry on like this.

Monday, 21 November 2011

I found my notebook from 2 years ago.

I remember it not being a good time for me, but I didn't realise exactly how bad it was. Some of the things I wrote in there are shocking. It's both upsetting and relieving to know I went through that time. But I came out the other side.

The worst part is I'm starting to relate to it all again. Please don't let me sink back to that place.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

i only came on here because you asked me to

I don't like to come online in this state but i wanted to make sure you knoew i was okay like you asked so I ccame on and omg typling is so gucking difficult who knew
i kept wanting to kiss you today what is that aviut i don't even like you that way,
please forget tonihy i'm ovberly fuvked and this isn;'t appropriate,
shit,. i want a cigarette.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Why does nothing satisfy you?

I don't understand what your problem is. Of course, that might just be because you'd never talk to me to tell me your problem.

I know what you want out of the mess that is/was this situation is her friendship back. Not mine. You couldn't care less about my friendship. You had your fill of that one. If nothing else, your unwillingness to accept any kind of reconciliation shows that. But hers, well hers is something you miss. You talked to her about everything and she understood. I don't blame you for wanting it back, she's an amazing person. But what is it exactly you want from me? I can't force her to forgive you for everything. You've hurt her badly, and I can't do anything about that.

I haven't wronged you in any way and you know it. So why do you insist on criticising everything I do or say? Why can't you either leave me alone or move on from this? What have I done at all that's deserved your hostility? I'm tired of this stupid argument you seem to feel the need to try and create. I leave you alone and you can't be doing with that. I've tried to show you there is nothing to argue about but clearly that's not enough for you either. Is there any possible way to win with you or do you just expect me to accept that you're never happy?

Friday, 11 November 2011

Help can come from the most unexpected places sometimes.

Thank you. So much.

I really didn't think talking about everything would help so much. Heaven knows I hate doing it. But it really did. And you listened to me, and you tried to help. In fact, I think you gave me some not bad advice.

I feel better already. Much better.

After what happened before, I really didn't think our friendship would follow through. But it clearly has. You've genuinely been there for me and I value that a lot. Next time, I hope I can help you.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

I don't get you.

Your mood swings are just confusing me.

One minute you're all go, the next you're blanking me, the next you want to take everything slowly, and now you really care?

It didn't sound like you meant to back off because you wanted to make it last. It sounded like you wanted an easy way out. Were you just trying to get the sympathy and support of 'the best mate'?

I'm still assuming the same. If I don't expect you to be telling the truth, I can't get hurt if you're not.
If you are? Well we'll come to that if necessary.

Right now it sounds like you need to work on sorting yourself out before you come and pull me into it anyway.