Saturday, 24 March 2012

Well shit.

That was an, err, interesting dream. I think I've spent so long barely sleeping, my subconscious was just so happy to get a look in it didn't even try to be subtle.
I know these things are on my mind, but I'm fairly sure I've been trying to avoid them.

I mean, for one the idiotface part. I'm actually really proud of myself for that one. I was strong and I kept my own dignity. I think this one comes from that time I saw him without expecting it. It actually shocked me so much. But maybe it means I'm finally ready to leave it behind me. I eschewed him and whatnot, no wavering. I didn't run screaming either, so maybe this really is every part of my mind standing up to the whole thing and telling it to fuck off like I did him.
Or maybe it was just because newface was there, making me feel more comfortable and able to say no. But more on that in a minute.

Having two friends there who genuinely were caring about me was a nice feeling. And it really is the truth, they want to be there for me through this whole business. But I also know that it was background noise to stupid newface who's taking all my positive attention. It makes me feel petty and fickle, it really does. I have these two people here who want to help me and be there for me and all of that, and I'm just tuning it out when this shiny new kid on the block comes round. I need to accept that they're selflessly caring about how I am and I need to appreciate it more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it a lot, but it seems to be taking a back seat when it shouldn't. I've known them longer than newface and they definitely care about me more. I need to deal with this.

And then for newface. I have to say I'm not surprised, at all. I've been feeling the urge to do that since at least Saturday and it's been preying on my mind. God knows why though. I think it's at the point again where he's become this generic voice without a name. Not even voice, because lord knows his would definitely give him an identity... He's this person somewhere that's been here for me since he found out and has opened up to me a little, or at least it feels like it. He could just be saying things, of course. But either way he's making me feel like he's genuinely caring for me and about me and that's bound to lower my guard a little. But then again, the want was still there when he was right in front of me so maybe that's not what it is.
I don't think it's so much of him in particular. I think I just want some affection from someone and he's just the closest one to that point right now. But I need to stop projecting this. Quite frankly, I need to get this out of my system before it makes what's happening right now worse or more substantial. Of course, it would help if there were other options.
I think his reaction is also what I'd expect. He doesn't see me that way. Hell, I didn't until this started happening. Those stupid charged moments. Then again, I'm probably imagining the charge. Ugh.

The moral of the story?
Be glad I think I'm done with stupidface and punch him if I see him again.
Accept the help and love of the two people who are probably trying to help me the most.
Be careful with newface because neither of us want another dynamic to this. Find someone to replace him in this god-damn dream, even if they're faceless/nameless.

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