Wednesday, 7 November 2012

My brain won't shut off

So here comes the brain dump.

I know I said I wasn't going to talk to you from now on - I was going to move on and let you forget all about how embarrassing I was being - but I kind of feel like I need to justify it.

But this only comes with the assumption that if I justify it, you'll actually give some form of a shit about me...

I know I don't like leaving things messy; it makes it harder to move on from and more likely to reoccur. God knows the last thing I left messy even today comes back to bite me every so often. The open books are the most painful, for sure.

So surely explaining myself is my way of closing this book? I can say my piece and leave the ball in your court. Then again, I'd kind of like it in mine. Makes me seem more nonchalant surely?

Then again, who am I kidding? It's not been in my court for a very long time; if at all.

It could either be a very big mistake or the closure I need to move on and start rebuilding myself.

I just can't quite work out which one.

I don't even know why it's bugging me so much - why the hell do I care what you think?! Surely it's can't just be because you're a ridiculously good kisser (which I'm sad to say I will miss :( ) but I just can't think of anything else; not the way you've been treating me.

It's funny because even a really good friend of yours couldn't believe you've been acting the way you have - even he wouldn't believe it! I guess you told him more now though, cause he's never gotten back in touch with me. Well, he was nice enough to try and help I guess. Even if his attempt just led me into more trouble.

If last weekend hadn't happened, we'd be fine. I mean, not out in the open, but I wouldn't be constantly embarrassed whenever I think of you or my own actions. But then again I feel bad blaming him - even though he forced it to happen - because he really was trying to help.

Ugh I don't even know what's been getting into me. It's all well and good to say hormones, and maybe it is since it would make sense them wearing off now, but I think it was more the hard slap in the face that was my reality check this weekend. I realised exactly how worthless I've made myself here. I've lost that person that both I and the people around me seemed to actually like. I've lost whatever that edge I had was. That's why the interest has faded into this.

And I think I can sense it. I'm desperate to have some kind of attention so I scrabble around for whatever. Whatever I know they won't turn down. Because hey, that beats rejection right?

Or does it? Because haven't I just degraded myself more?

It was hard enough to face the reality that they were only prepared for one thing from me, but it's even harder when I realise it was under my own suggestion. It was all desperation in the spur of the moment. I guess the talks didn't go the way I expected so I struck out. I guess that's the biggest sign of how different I've become - old me would never have lowered herself to that for any reason.

I've degraded myself. I've gotten needy and out of my depth and I need to drag myself back up to that person I'd worked so hard to achieve and that person that kept me happy for months and months this year.

I don't know what to blame for the change. Maybe it's the lack of certain people in my life, maybe it's a response to all the change, maybe it's a reflection of the people around me, maybe it's because you and I have somehow lost ourselves. But at the end of the day it's happened. And it happened slowly enough that I couldn't stop it before it got too far. It's only really been these past few weeks when it got to the point where I genuinely have disgusted myself with my own behaviour. I'm better than this.

At least I used to be. And I can be again.

That's the thing. My issue with you is not really an issue with you, is it? It's a battle I have with myself. I need to sort myself out before I can be comfortable with whatever happens between me and other people.

I need to take a much needed and overdue step back and re-evaluate what's really that important. I need to go back to the well-controlled person I used to be that didn't just follow the scent of goddamn testosterone and was more ruled by her head. That person that people wanted to chase, not just have and leave because she was far too easy.

Because that's why this happened. I got too easy. I was really hard to get at first; that's why their interest was piqued in the first place. But then I realised the problems going on between us and for some reason that sent my hormones and brain haywire.

Maybe all this behaviour also stems from how uncertain we are right now. Maybe seeing you will help clarify in my mind what exactly I need to do. He wasn't wrong when he said it was unhealthy; two people clinging together for emotional support rather than any mutual attraction left. And as terrifying as that prospect is, I guess I have to sever that if I want to be a healthy independent person again. Because independent people don't need emotional crutches.

And I need to accept that it took years to form the bonds I made at home; and they were amazing people. I always acknowledged that kind of thing wasn't a common occurrence and I told myself never to take it for granted. But I did. Because, as I used to be able to accept, everyone is superfluous at the end of the day. Every person is selfish enough in them self that they don't really regard other people as that important in their life. Yes, okay, a friendship. But never a properly close one; those things are impossible to maintain and nigh impossible to create. And I need to remember how well I used to be able to deal with that and accept it about life and find comfort from other places. I should remember how I felt back when I had absolutely nobody; and act the way I did then.

At the end of the day, I need to go back to the independence I once had. Yeah, sure, I wasn't as carefree as I have been in my (perhaps false sense of) security, but I didn't ever lower myself to the level I feel I'm at right now. I never compromised my integrity. And that's why I didn't seem to exactly repel anyone. And that's what I need right now. As nice as it would be to feel attractive and cared for, the most I can hope for right now is to keep some form of dignity and self-assurance.

I need to find happiness and reassurance from myself and only myself. If other people contribute, sure that's fine, but never ever expect it. That's the rut I'm in right now and it's going to be hellish to drag myself out.

It's going to be hard to fix this, but I'll manage it eventually. I've been that person before; surely it can't be so hard to become her again?

And meanwhile I'll still ponder whether to clue you in on this. Whether to try and make you realise that it hasn't been the real me; at least not a me I can be happy with. Then again, you might just think it's an excuse. Or be incapable of giving out another first impression. I guess either way it's my own fault; if I hadn't have acted the way I did, would we be in a different situation right now?

It's weird because I kind of remember the point I decided to target you. I just had a long think and thought hey, maybe he'll not reject me. That's dangerous thinking. Tell me a year ago I'd be doing that and I'd be outraged. I refused to even kiss the guy I liked and that I knew liked me back (albeit temporarily) at that point! But I never targeted him, did I? He got me, and I drew him in with my personality. There was absolutely no enticing on my part in that respect. And it worked.

So why the hell did I leave that behind? I know it's harder and takes longer to build up anything in any respect in that way, but surely the past shows that it's stronger and it actually means something - let alone meaning I know the people I can talk to don't have such a low opinion of me.

Ugh I'm fairly sure you won't get into contact with me again now except by accident. And I think the best plan of action is to move on. Because trying to get in touch with you to tell you all this just makes me seem even more desperate; which is the very last thing I want to do.

I do need closure on this, but maybe I need to find another way. Maybe I'll just see you out one night and I'll be able to settle it all out then.

Then again, probably not.

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