Wednesday, 15 August 2012

What's even the point in all of this anyway?

What we've been doing for the past 4 months. Yes, we're happy and yes, we don't regret any of it. But what are we actually achieving?

I always thought it wouldn't matter what I was doing or for how long, as long as it made me happy. Happiness is the greatest achievement in life.

But we've been happy for so long at this point and I'm starting to feel like simply pursuing this happiness means everything else goes nowhere.

I don't want to say that you're bringing me back, but I've stopped bothering with so much since we started being happy together. It's the same lifestyle for you, but I know there's so much I'm no longer doing because I don't have time any more or you've just overshadowed.

I constantly feel inadequate around people I used to be able to be the same as. I keep feeling ignorant. Like I've left the loop of my life to be with you.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to go back or stop being happy with you, but I also don't want to lose that person I was and aspired to be. I want to be able to feel like I know at least something about anything again; feel cultured and educated. I want to feel like I actually have interests that aren't you and the few things we have in common.

But that person came from hours and days and weeks of being by myself with nothing but time to explore what there is to find. Now, all my spare time is spent with you. Watching silly game shows and laughing at unfunny jokes.

People don't really take me seriously any more. I don't feel like I can be even nearly as good of a conversationalist. I need to discover more to know and love and debate about, because that's a side of me I've always loved to cultivate and have cultivated. Right now it's shrivelling; suffering from it's lack of attention. I want to keep abreast of so much and find even more, but you're always here.

Maybe it's also a little scary that I don't want you to not be here, despite everything I feel like I'm losing from myself as a consequence. But I think I really need to put my foot down. As amazing as this happiness is, it's not worth losing parts of myself to enjoy the short-lived joy that comes with it...

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