Monday, 11 June 2012

I can't believe it.

I genuinely can't believe it. I really really thought you'd changed. Learnt your lesson. Moved on from stupid mistakes you've made more than once. You'd think your entire friendship group cutting off all ties with you would be enough to stop you trying this shit again!

But no. Not at all. You're exactly the same. In fact, worse. And I, like the idiot I am, fell for it. And feel bad for hurting your feelings! Just like last time. I'm a fool, I should have slapped you straight away. What's wrong with me?!

No. It's not right. Not at all. You need to understand these things are not okay. Even if you think it's a great idea and there's no downsides. You have no idea what's going on inside my head. Don't assume you can see the whole picture and you can reason this kind of thing into being something a decent person would do.

Fuck you. I'm not going to let this eat me up again. The first time it messed me up for a year. I was in a bad state really. But I've dealt with it. And that'll make it easier to deal with it again. More than anything I'm just angry at myself for trusting you again; everyone told me not to. But no, I thought 'he'll be different now'. How wrong I was.

I really want to tell someone, to get it off my chest... But I know it will only turn it into a big deal and cause problems; something I really don't want. It'll make me seem weak and stupid for putting myself in that position with you again. I can deal. I can detach. No way are you going to be the reason we have problems. No fucking way.

I'm going to slowly retreat from you. Maybe slowly enough you won't even notice; although that's unlikely. And considering the amount we talk nowadays, a slow retreat would take ages. I really don't know if I can be anywhere near you any time soon. I might freak out or get angry or start shaking again. But this is it. We're done. Twice is far too many times when it comes to something like this. And you're clearly incapable of change.

I'll probably be convinced you're not so bad again. Decide friendship means more than this. 'It's another mistake, misread signs; no big deal.' But it really is a big deal. This shit is not excusable by any amount of misguided loyalty I've built up.

You said yourself it'd be a pretty fucked up thing to do. And it is. No one who knows can understand how I've managed to move on from it at all. And now neither am I. Trusting you and yourself around me is like a bee repeatedly flying into a window. It's frustrating and getting nowhere and I'm going to keep getting hurt.

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