Friday, 30 August 2013

I think I must have a jealousy issue big time.

That's why every time I see or hear that someone else is having a great time without me it just makes me feel angry and upset. And no it's not everyone that it applies to, but the people I'm closest with for sure.

Perhaps it's because I'm so used to being around when they're having a good time that it just makes me feel left out? Perhaps I have some subconscious self-importance that means I must always be the cause of someone's happiness.

It's certainly the case that I am usually happier with certain people around (excepting of course certain scenarios), and maybe it's the old insecurity of being more invested than someone else in a friendship. That they don't even care if I'm around or not.

The worst is the thought that they're used to it and I'm just superfluous in their life. I think that's my greatest fear with everyone I know and care about a lot. It's been there for so long as well, I'm not sure if I could get rid of it...

But every time I see a picture of one of these people out having a good time, or they mention how brilliant they are and the time they've been having has been or they simply won't stop using the pronoun 'we' about them and someone else, I can't help but feel my stomach sink through the floor and want to curl up into a ball. It sort of devastates me.

I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive about this. I guess it goes to show my dependence on certain people despite my constant striving for independence. Doing a pretty shitty job, aren't I?

But I guess in time I may get desensitised to it. Used to it enough that it just rolls off my back and doesn't have this effect. Hopefully.

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