Friday, 12 April 2013

I'm not quite sure if I'm feeling this wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I'm clear that if I wanted to, I totally could go off and say yes to whomever I want and be well within my right. But I don't want to. I just don't have the inclination.

I don't know if it's because I'm so used to not exactly being 'allowed' to say yes, but then again it's been quite a few months since that was the case. I think it's more likely that this sort of thing has all of a sudden happened with greater frequency and I don't know how to deal with it. I mean, really? Is it genuinely happening to me?! And of course I take the easy way out, it leaves everyone less hurt and it means I have to do less explaining.

Although I also realise that there's another part of me that is doing this for him. It's no coincidence when they ask for names he's the one I immediately use. Whilst it could be because he's the closest thing I have, I think there's more to it. It's so difficult to know what the right thing is to do in those situations because we've never really worked out what is going on here. And I don't want to ruin it! It's working so well! But at the same time I can't help but wonder where all these lines stop and start and blur together.

He made it clear he doesn't want to be seen as any kind of boyfriend; and I don't want that either. I'd just really like to know, for the most part, if we're supposed to be exclusive here? I never thought it would be an issue because, let's face it, this is me. I really don't get hit on enough for it to come up. But all of a sudden it has and I'm scared if I keep clinging to whatever this thing is, I'll lose myself in it. It was supposed to be a little bit of fun, but it feels more and more like a big deal to me and I think it's a pretty dangerous way to go.

But I'm too scared to lose it to start stirring things up. I'll just hope I don't have to keep trying to make excuses. Because whilst he seemed so completely not bothered about the poem, that time I asked he said he would be. And trying to work out in my head how he sees all of this is both confusing and exhausting.

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