I'm so scared of loss

 I thought I'd learned, but actually it was a facsimile of dealing with shit... I'm not dealing with shit well and I am making a mess.

FUCK. 

How do I fix this‽‽

I worry

 Am I just scared of being alone? 

Do I just pull everyone into my bullshit because I'm so scared of not having anyone? 

Fear of loss is one thing but when it is a detriment to others maybe I'm not a good person.

And when I don't get that company - I should probably be able to deal with it???

I am so fucking angry.

 I have bent over backwards to try and make you feel okay. I have spent hours of my life worrying over how things would make you feel, terrified that I would lose you.

It feels like you've beaten me with a stick I already apologised for to assuage your guilt - that's how it feels. And it's not fucking fair.

It seems to me that you are behaving like a hypocrite, and usually I can rise above that but I have poured hours of time, passion, care, pain, and tears into trying to make this work. But yet.

It's fine that you're fine - ultimately I have always wanted that for you. And just like every other fucking beating I have endured, I will eventually get through and past this. But fuck you for the pain it takes along the way.

I really didn't want it to be like this. I tried so fucking hard. What was the fucking point‽‽