I know what I shouldn't be doing.

The problem here is that I know exactly what I should do in this situation, I'm just consciously choosing not to do it. I'm deciding, with full knowledge of the consequences, to make the wrong decision. To do the wrong thing.

I am usually so good with self control, but this time I'm just doing the easy thing. I'm doing the thing that makes me feel less lonely and more comfortable, even though I realise it will probably leave me more alone in the end.

I think a large part of it may be because this is the first thing like this to happen in a very long time. Years. So yes, I am getting carried away as if it is the first time. I know I'm going to end up hurt, like every other time. Except this time is worse because I will end up with other people hurt too.

Why can't I just stop myself? Why can't I do the right thing, as I have forced myself to do in the past, and move on with my life? It's self-sabotage in one of the worst ways.

Why is no one stopping me?!

I hate myself

And I don't know why I expected anything different from anyone else. I am worth nothing to everyone universally and I don't know why I didn't understand that until now.

I need to stop forming attachments so easily.

I also need to stop finding people annoying as easily.

I've somehow managed to land myself a decent sized friendship group from my first day here, yet two of them I can't stand and one of them I can put up with a little too much.

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just be light and easy, not get so close to people I've only known a week and also not let them get under my skin?!

Figures it'd be the English guy that would piss me off the most though. Hah.

Hopefully when lectures start I'll manage a new group of people. And hopefully I'll keep reasonably close to those I'd like to. Without encouraging my mind's imagination.

I also need to try and actually get enthusiastic about sports. Eurgh.

I guess I've moved forward again.

I haven't found myself attractive at all over the past 9 months in the slightest. Probably over.

It's been a point of my life where I do what I want, when I want to. There is no way I have to tell anyone or ask for allowance for any of that!

But since I've started feeling differently (maybe 2 weeks or so) about everything, I guess that was included.
All I know is that I've looked at myself for the past two days and it makes me glad I don't have a mirror in our room. I've looked terrible.

For there is so much to achieve

I am only now realising that everything is accessible to everyone. That any single person can decide "yes I will do this." That all people are responsible only to their own will.

I have held myself prisoner to my beliefs and others' for years; surely it is time to let them reign free?!

I will not apologise. I will not allow inconvenience to rule my being; I will not accept any form of disencouragement for anything someone has the spirit to involve themselves in; to whatever you want must you fly and to whatever draws you must you give.

Are you seriously kidding me.

A week ago you wanted nothing more to do with me and me you. We were arranging to meet up merely for me to be able to shout at you for behaving like an insensitive prick - or at least that's how I saw it - and I wasn't even sure if I was ready for that yet.
And now you're acting like everything's okay. Like we can behave the way we used to. Like the past three months didn't happen.

Like fuck you're going to be able to walk all over me again. It's tempting to let you, but I just need to remember how you've behaved. You should know I can't trust you any more. And this behaviour is just messing with my head.

Yes, I'd like it if we could go back to before. But there's no way in hell that's going to happen any more. And you saw to that. So seriously don't go looking for it again. I've moved on from that and my nostalgia will not let me fall into that trap again.

You treated me like nothing. And now that's all we are.
I need to remember that.

The only reason I feel like a failure is because of you

I genuinely wouldn't have cared about results. I really didn't give a shit.

But I've seen them now and I realise how much of a disappointment I am

I'm fucking shit, Waste of time piece of crap.

I'm so sorry, I tried. I really did.

The whole thing left me drained,

And I wasn't good enough.

I am fucking loving life

Seriously, I may have been drinking, and be listening to beautiful music but I seriously have loved this year so far. And whilst I am completely ready for a new adventure I seriously want to make it clear how much I have loved tonight I guess.
Alex, you are amazing, Thank you so much for convincing me out tonight.
No matter what my dad says I'm applying for Nova Scotia and whether I regret it or not he can't try and control me with his "they're intolerant" bullshit. If it's true, I'll swallow my words but how can a UK university associate themselves with a place as racist as my dad is suggesting?! If it is the case then there is serious  reform to be done. If not I will hopefully be on my way to experience a different lifestyle.
I can see myself genuinely having  a good time there.

The loneliness is starting to hit.

I loved last semester. Like really, really loved it. I'd felt closer to everyone here than I had since I'd met them and I was having all these amazing times and experiences constantly. It was amazing. I'm not sure how much happier I could have been. I'd made more friends and formed myself this close knit friendship circle I could actually rely on.

But everything has completely changed. And I saw it coming, I really did. That's why I was so reluctant to let it happen and I mentioned it so many times. I knew this would happen, despite all the reassurances otherwise.

I've lost my housemates. They're all coupled up or wrapping themselves back into other things. I've lost the guys in my life. Everyone's pulling away and busy with their own lives.

Being single last semester was amazing and the best thing. I didn't know how much I could enjoy it. But it's no fun when you're the only one left. It's no fun when you have to think about another person for every one of your mates.

I can't believe you tried to use me to make her jealous.

I've already told you I'm not interested. I've also made it extremely clear whose side I'd be on if it came down to you and her.

She's not interested; you need to move on.

Yes, I act that way with other friends of mine but they are such different circumstances. I know for a fact that they are acting the way they are out of friendship; not to use me to turn me as a weapon or against other people close to me.

You're a good friend of mine and I have tried so hard to help you; but if you are genuinely going to act this way then I would genuinely rather deny any connection to you.

How fucking dare you act that way. It genuinely offends me. And I hope you understand me enough to realise why.

It's funny because of all these murder mysteries I've been watching

I keep thinking you're using me for an alibi or just someone that's interested in me to use me to get to someone else... I'm imagining you're a suspect.
I don't know if it's that part of me that doesn't understand how you can be interested in me at all or that part that wants you to be using me for something more.
It's interesting but I think I may be looking into it too much because I feel like I should...

I should have kept a diary this summer.

I can't shake the feeling I've just wasted my time the past 4 months. I can barely even remember what I did in the blur of drinking and sleeping.

I also can't shake the feeling that it's all your fault I feel like it was a waste. How have you managed to get into my head enough to make me feel like I've been inadequate just because that's how you see it?! I enjoyed pretty much every minute of it. Surely that's all that matters.

Yes, that's what matters. But maybe I could have done with a few more photos.

I think I must have a jealousy issue big time.

That's why every time I see or hear that someone else is having a great time without me it just makes me feel angry and upset. And no it's not everyone that it applies to, but the people I'm closest with for sure.

Perhaps it's because I'm so used to being around when they're having a good time that it just makes me feel left out? Perhaps I have some subconscious self-importance that means I must always be the cause of someone's happiness.

It's certainly the case that I am usually happier with certain people around (excepting of course certain scenarios), and maybe it's the old insecurity of being more invested than someone else in a friendship. That they don't even care if I'm around or not.

The worst is the thought that they're used to it and I'm just superfluous in their life. I think that's my greatest fear with everyone I know and care about a lot. It's been there for so long as well, I'm not sure if I could get rid of it...

But every time I see a picture of one of these people out having a good time, or they mention how brilliant they are and the time they've been having has been or they simply won't stop using the pronoun 'we' about them and someone else, I can't help but feel my stomach sink through the floor and want to curl up into a ball. It sort of devastates me.

I don't understand how I can still be so sensitive about this. I guess it goes to show my dependence on certain people despite my constant striving for independence. Doing a pretty shitty job, aren't I?

But I guess in time I may get desensitised to it. Used to it enough that it just rolls off my back and doesn't have this effect. Hopefully.

I try to convince myself and others that I'm not high-maintenance.

But it's really a lie; isn't it?

I remember being around the age of 9 or 10 and a cousin I'd never met before of my dad's walking me around my uncle's wedding telling me about the entire concept of high and low maintenance. At the time I was a whiny kid, so I don't really blame her for criticising me on that one, but after that it's been an important thing on my mind in terms of how I judge my own character.

I've tried to change myself a lot and I don't know exactly how much of it is ultimately for the better or just what I felt like at the time. A lot of the time I've failed. But I always know that the version of me I will always like the most is the one I perceive as low-maintenance. I even remember what period of my life it was, since it's been the one I've been trying to get back to for over a year at this point. That time, when I just didn't care about anything. I was emotionally numb and that was exactly the right thing for me at the time. I could just go through life without worrying about being hurt or any of it. And a consequence of that was being insular and self-sufficing. I didn't need anything really from anyone else because I could be content with whatever I had. I don't know how long for, but I imagine it will be my favourite version of myself for quite some time.

But since then I've been constantly struggling to maintain that part of me. It's definitely failed drastically. All I try and do is hold myself back but it's like a badly made dam; it's not going to hold back the current for very long. All too many times I feel myself expecting so much more from everyone around me; expecting an onslaught of attention that, let's be honest, I in no way deserve the likes of. It continues for a while and when I don't get what I want I become angry and grumbly and moany and try to take it out on both them and myself. Of course, what with my passive-aggressive way of dealing with things, it's rare the other person actually notices anything is awry so it just becomes a strange type of self-torture. It's not until I start questioning why I'm feeling so rubbish that I realise exactly what is going on. And I consequently hate myself more in response for not making sure the dam was working. Once I've realised what's going on, I make an even harder effort to hold it all back; rebuild the dam and hope this time it'll be stronger and last longer.

What I think I need to realise is, considering how long I've been struggling with this, perhaps it's a part of me that really doesn't want to go away or be changed. It's so persistent - the current doesn't get any weaker. Perhaps the point of it all is to learn that it's something about myself I have to always hate and not do anything about, because I can't. Even though I find it one of the biggest personality flaws, not only in myself but also in others. It's a quality that really annoys and frustrates me.

Maybe I will just have to accept this part of self-loathing forever. Because trying to change it has gotten me nowhere.

How much of mood is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

It's apparently proven that just forcing yourself to think happier thoughts can make you happier; so is it the same with all moods? If you convince yourself that you feel a certain way, to what extent would it actually work?

It seems like a silly question; how can you convince yourself to not care about something when you really do for instance? That's simply denial and usually comes back to haunt you and I have unfortunately learnt a few times... Although even when you're happy you can bring your mood down just by thinking of something else that's not such a pleasant idea.

So to what extent can you really switch your mood around? If you tell yourself you're unhappy, do you just become that way? Can you pick and choose the way that you feel it? Or do you end up sending yourself down a spiral once the damage is done?

The human race has a habit of wallowing; usually in self-pity. Usually a bad mood becomes perpetuated and worsened just by thinking about it. That's why most peoples' methods of getting out of them involve distracting their minds until it gets pushed aside again.

So maybe that's the only extent to which we can control our emotions; with distractions and overthinking. Although this means that we can only really impact ourselves in a negative way and in order to stop feeling so shit all the time the best plan is just to not bother thinking, really. I'm sure it's a well regarded thing that the ignorant are the happiest. Not as much thinking; of course.

I have to give you another chance.

This decision has been driving me crazy for the past two weeks.

All I wanted to do after the anger and the upset wore off was to try and work this out. That's the only thing that made sense to me. But at the same time how on earth can I not follow my principles, after how much I put into them?! What credibility do I have if in a situation of my own, all that gets thrown out the window?

I guess the main reason I feel guilty for not wanting to stick by the principles I hold so tightly is that no one else will believe me after it. Everyone I know will look down on me and think of me as some kind of phoney. But why do I care so much what other people think of me?

It's not like I've not forgiven in worse circumstances. At least you apologised. Last time I didn't get anywhere near an apology. And I forgave thrice. Forgiveness always used to be both my weakness and my strength. 

But I'm definitely more strongly opinionated than I was then. And it wouldn't be a grudge, but a matter of principle and consequence, right? It's not like we'd never talk again, we just cut off the side of our friendship that caused the issue. Surely that's the healthiest thing to do. Cut out the bit that's gone wrong. Cut out the cancer before it spreads.

But then again she told me from experience that it can happen. That there should always be a second chance given. That it doesn't mean anything in them has changed except their frame of mind at the time it happened. Just frustration, she said. Surely everyone can get overcome by frustration and lash out at some point? 

So one more chance. I think that's what I have to do. But if it happens again, that's definitely it. I'm no idiot; I'm not going through it three times again. 

Of course all this is assuming you still want to bother. Which it doesn't actually feel like right now. I hope I'm wrong with that instinct. Because I always wanted to be the empowered one that ended this and if I talk about giving you another chance and you turn me down after all this worry; that's the most degrading thing I think could happen to me in this situation.

Maybe there is more to this than I thought.

After first dreaming wishing the incident hadn't happened and that I would forget it, I spend the next night dreaming about him hitting on me and kissing me. What the hell?!

Although I have to admit he also hit on her, too. So really I was thinking of him as the one with no discrimination rather than her. Which I guess is just my mind's way to stop being mad at her. Even though she hasn't exactly done anything to make me not want to believe a lot of it was her. She was straddling him for god's sake!

I guess it's going to take a little while for me to get over. I'm not sure if it was one more straw that broke the camel's back or just a really really heavy straw. It's something I don't think I'll really grasp for a while. Maybe denial, maybe it means opening doors I never thought I'd open and so I have to find them first.

There are a lot of metaphors here.

I think seeing them apart and neither of them talking about the other will be what I need. I can slowly just pack it away in that good old box of stuff I just don't think about. It's not like my no regrets thing because at the end of the day it's not my regret to have. Except maybe introducing them. I guess I'm going to have to work on not regretting that one.

I'll have to think of it in terms of how it's helped me. In any way. Although I don't think it can help me until I finally deal with how I feel about it. And I might put that one off for a while.

I think the biggest thing I miss is the intimacy.

I just miss knowing you'll be there when I get back, or that you'll be round soon enough. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and seeing you there, whether you're turned away from me or not. I miss being able to cuddle, whenever at all. I miss knowing I'll have the company in most things I decide to do. 

I just miss having someone be close to me so much of the time.

I'm just so sick of being superfluous in this house.

I can't be bothered trying not to anymore, but I can't keep pretending I don't care, either.

I guess it's a good thing this year is over.

I'm am so done.

It's time I put my foot down and finally put an end to this. I'm done with being walked all over and I'm done with being ignored.
This is going to stop being anyone's decision but mine. I'm going to take control of this situation before I get even more carried away.

Time for my self-discipline to kick in and allow me to stop doing this; even if it is something I enjoy. Yeah sure, why not take whatever I can, but it's gotten too far. It's going to get me hurt.

And I'm the only one who stands to lose out in this scenario. I'm the one who this backfires for. Enough is enough.

At the end of the day I need to take care of myself here, because sure as hell nobody else is going to.